Wardrobe Malfunction: Goodbye Florida

Last night was my going away party. A lot of people didn’t show up. But the people that mattered did, and I had a fucking blast.

I am wearing:

  • Dress from Heritage 1981
  • Yellow pumps by Michael
  • Green beaded necklace

A minimalistic outfit for me!

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Jack

Jack was my first college boyfriend. “Jack” is short for “jack rabbit,” as sex with him was what I like to refer to as “jack rabbit sex.” If you’ve ever seen that Sex and the City episode, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. I almost died the first time I saw it (the jack rabbit sex starts around the 6:15 mark).

I guess it could be referred to as “jack hammer sex,” too, as it’s just a lot of frantic humping on his part while I lay there and pretend to enjoy it.

Okay, so the sex with Jack wasn’t great. But he was one hell of a good kisser. In fact, we met by kissing. My first night of college, I was wandering the halls of my dorm, drunk. I turned a corner, and there was the cutest thing ever. Totally my type (at the time): 5’6, 140 pounds. Dark hair. Boston accent. I said, “You’re hot. Can I make out with you?” And so, I did*. And that’s how we started dating.

It didn’t last very long, as we were new to college and neither one of us knew our drinking limits yet, and we didn’t handle ourselves well when intoxicated. The residents of our dorm floor witnessed a lot of embarrassingly intense fights. I even slapped him across the face on two separate occasions, which is something that I regret deeply. But Jack and I managed to stay friends. For the remainder of college, whenever we were both single, we’d fuck. He walked into my room once during a party and saved me from being raped (he didn’t know that was happening; he just happened to be looking for me. Thank god he was!). When my roommates threw a party that I had no part in, and then left when the cops showed up, leaving me (who was asleep in my bed) to take the rap, he sat with me and gave his name and ID, too.

He’s a good guy. And we have plans to have drinks next week, when I get back to the city. I wonder if his bedroom skills have improved any in the last 3 years? Maybe I’ll find out!

*I later told my mom that I met an adorable boy, and we were kind of dating. She asked his name. I told her. It turns out, that when she was helping me move in, she was standing behind him and his parents in line for the elevator and told him, “My daughter would love you!” Turns out, she was right!

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Wardrobe Malfuntion: Fuck the World

I never go out wearing leggings as pants. But for some reason, I felt this outfit called for it.

I am wearing:

  • “I Hate People” shirt (stolen from The Irishman)
  • Black shiny leggings from Target
  • White “Bukkled” shoes by Steve Madden
  • Teal sunglasses, Target

I'm so hardcore.

And check the back:

So. appropriate.

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Posted in Wardrobe Malfunction | Tagged | 3 Comments

Day 8: Your Favorite Internet Friend

Picking just one internet friend would be unfair, and I can’t and won’t do it. I have so many of you, and you have all enriched my life so much. Most people don’t understand the social world of the internet. When I tell them that I’ve never actually met some of my best friends, they think it’s weird. They don’t understand how that could be. I refer to you as “my friend so-and-so” in stories or to friends, as if I do know you. Because I feel like I do. Some of you know more about me than the guy that sits next to me at the bar 4 times a week.

As painful as networking on the internet can be, as personally attacked as I so often am, it is far more rewarding than hurtful. I have a support system and network that reaches out to me when I need it. I’ve had people I’ve never met send me things. Help me find jobs. Give me money when I desperately needed it. Help me write academic papers. Help me arrange aspects of my move. Things that people that have never met me have no right helping me with!

I’ve met some of you in “real life.” And it’s been like I’ve known you forever. Tearing down the virtual wall wasn’t weird. I knew who you were, and you knew me. I hope to meet more of you in the future. Thank you, all of you, for being my friend through thick and thin, and for supporting someone that you’ve never met. I’ve gotten through some really rough spots with your help, and these friendships I’ve forged mean more to me than you know.

Brit

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Posted in 30 Days of Letters | 3 Comments

Barsexual

I met a really hot butchy androgynous girl in a bar last night. She was on a blind date. She did not like her date. She did like me. So she fucked me in the bathroom.

It was awesome.

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Posted in Sexcapades | 8 Comments

Day 7: An Ex

I have many exes, and many of them will fit the criteria for one of my future letters. Therefore, I’m going to write a joint letter to all of my exes.


To my ex-partners,

Thank you all, each and every one of you. Whether I look back on our relationship fondly, or wish I could erase the memories forever from my mind, each relationship taught me something valuable. From some of you, I learned what true love looks like. From others, I learned what it most definitely does not look like. Some of you taught me how to be a better partner, and some of you taught me to be a better person. Some of you showed me what it looks like when two people love each other but are just not compatible. Some of you showed me what a healthy breakup looks like. And others of you were almost impossible to get rid of or let go of. With some of you, I explored new parts of myself, whether it was my sexual orientation, a new relationship model, or my submission. Some of you let me be me, while others of you tried to change me. Some of you I moved on from in a moment, while there are others that I’m not sure I’ll ever truly get over. Some of you, I still speak to regularly. Others of you I know I will never speak to again.

You’ve all served a purpose, and that’s why I can say that I don’t regret dating any of you. Even if the relationship was horrible, it taught me something about myself, and about other people, in the end. So thank you for being influences in my life that have helped to make me who I am today. No matter what, I wish the best for each and every one of you.

Brit

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“I know how to spell, and use grammar but find it more fun to write how i talk.”

I got this message…

I definately don’t take myself seriously and am kind of looking for a partner in crime which I don’t think you would have a hard time fulfilling. I do have a thin for short girls with attitude so naturally Im sending you this message. I love your style and would be very happy to hear that you have a Bike and want to adventure. let me kno!

and decided to check out the guy’s profile, even though I a) was annoyed by the spelling/grammar, b) am not short, and c) do not own a bike, have never owned a bike, and do not know how to ride a bike.

The profile was GOLD.

I amuse myself. ill prolly amuse yourself too. I know how to spell, and use grammar but find it more fun to write how i talk. Also i tend to talk in ways that amuse me. don’t be a stickler, you’re not my mom, lets have some fun. i like to bike, paint, snowboard, play pool/darts, hang out, and most of all, adventure, and second most of all the Bruins. Seriously. Its like i could be in fever pitch 2.

I think that third line is actually an excuse because he doesn’t know how to spell or use grammar. But I’m glad that, at the very least, he amuses himself. I’m also glad he’s not looking to date his mom. Furthermore, wasn’t Fever Pitch about baseball? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Let’s continue.

Although my life is pretty much an open book if your worth telling it to, i guess i would have to say that its (even though ive come along way from with this) i care too much, and that leads me and girls im with to get too serious too soon. I hope that the next person im with has as much self controll with their emotions as i have accuired, but if your the right girl ill be open to your extra lovin’.

This must be an example of him “writ[ing] how [he] talk[s].”

Too bad I don’t own a bike.

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Posted in Make Me A Match | 9 Comments

Sound Advice

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Posted in Awesomeness, With A Little Help From My Friends | Leave a comment

I Bet Amanda Bynes Reads “Cosmo”

Amanda Bynes seems to be one of those girls who obsesses about finding “the one,” and is only happy when she’s in love. Also, one of those girls that doesn’t handle breakups so well. I checked out her Twitter feed the other day, and…

I decided to Google her and see if she’d given any awesome interviews about love or being in love, and discovered that this is not the first time that she’s tweeted obsessively about love/the person she’s dating. The tweets have since been deleted, but E! Online had reported at the time that:

Amanda Bynes is kinda going crazy on her Twitter. She started tweeting Grammy night about this mystery dude she’s unofficially dating (rumors say it’s Kid Cudi). Since then it’s been all ♥s, :) s, love quotes, miss yous, make it official requestsmarriage and things like “so turns out i prefer chocolate over vanilla. interesting :) ” . Her Twitter is the perfect example of what not to do at the beginning of a relationship unless you want to seriously freak someone out.

So, yeah, I just get the feeling that Cosmo is written for girls like this. Just sayin’.

ETA: OH MAN. I just found a full breakdown of this, and uh… it does make Amanda look a little obsessive, no? No wonder the tweets were deleted…

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Posted in Culture Goes Pop, Mag Mocking, Relationships | 13 Comments

Day 6: A Stranger

People are strange when you’re a stranger. But that doesn’t mean that people aren’t worth meeting. In fact, if you’re one of those people who are strange, and not *just* because you’re a stranger, chances are that I’d be way more interested in meeting you, anyway.

So come say hi. I promise I don’t bite. Unless you’re a disrespectful piece of shit. Then, I kick.

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Posted in 30 Days of Letters | 1 Comment