On Transphobia, Intolerance, and Being An Awful Human Being

Last night, I was outraged by some insanely transphobic and heteronormative tweets that went up. Now, before I go any further with this, I’d like to say (and I’ll get to this at the end, too) that I have no problem with people not being into queer porn. I have no problem with people not finding something that I find attractive to be hot. My problem with this particular person was the language that they used, their refusal to understand our points when we disagreed with her, and her complete intolerance of anything not heteronormative and cisgendered. The tweets were a response to Courtney Trouble week over at Epiphora’s blog. I highly suggest checking out the reviews over there– holy shit, there’s some hot porn happening!
Here are the offending tweets:

Epiphora and I both had an immediate reaction to the tweets, and replied in kind. I’m posting the conversation and tweets here (notice that the offending party ignored my points completely), so you can see them before I make my points. Her tweets are in regular font, Epiphora’s are italic, and mine are bold.

@Epiphora: I don’t think you even know what you’re talking about at all.

@britisshameless: Whoa whoa whoa. That comment is so full of heteronormative ideas and privilege you have no idea.

Sorry? I’ve looked and girls that look like guys are just a turn off for me. I’ve seen bigger chicks in a few, but just a few.

Courtney makes a concerted effort to cast bigger chicks. And there is no female submission that I saw.

That’s like me saying, “Sorry, I’ve looked, but fat chicks are just a turn off to me.”

by sub I mean the ones getting fucked most, the bottoms. And yeah, April [Flores] is nice, but.. eh. I was very convinced that some of the stars, by appearance and name, were men before I saw their uncovered equipment. So it just doesnt make sense to me.

if you think April is the only big girl in the films, you’re on crack. Some of them are trans. You are ridiculous.

The thing is, not everything is gonna be everyone’s cup of tea. Everyone has preferences. But to criticize something for “not being your thing” is dismissive and ignorant. And insulting to those that enjoy it, appreciate it, and make it.

I’m not going to memorize every big chicks name in CT’s films. Sorry you think I’m ridiculous but its how I feel.

I didn’t tell you to. But you’re making assumptions about what queer porn is. The point is that it’s a conglomeration. Not everyone has to be transphobic.

I guess so. It’s hard for me to know what queer means when people use it to mean 50 things though so there’s my confusion. so because it doesnt turn me on I’m a transphobe? That makes no sense at all.

No, because you keep insisting you “thought” these people were “men” until you saw their “vags.”

You’re a transphobe because you’ve insulted someone else’s gender presentation by completely refusing to accept or understand how it could be desirable or acceptable for someone, just because it isn’t to you. It’s called cis-privilege. Look it up.

because I thought they were. They looked like guys. I didnt have the room to type vagina.

And then, my friends, came the mother of all tweets.

That is sad. You are CERTAINLY allowed not to like it, but man, you are not being respectful when you explain it at ALL.

IT’S NOT ABOUT LIKING IT. It’s about refusing to understand or accept it, and judging it.

And this, folks, is why we have oppressed people, inequality, and hate crimes. Hey, go fuck yourself. I hope one day you know what it’s like to be ostracized for who you are. [Actually, no, I don't. Because it sucks.] But as a self-identified “fat” person, you should know what that feels like. Apparently, you’re too stupid to realize that it’s exactly the same thing you’re doing to others.

The thing that angers me the most about this is that this person didn’t even try to understand what it was she was talking about. If you don’t get trans, gender, queer, etc., that’s okay. But there are ways to ask someone to explain it, explain the appeal, explain the theory behind it without insulting it. Instead, she chose to make blatantly judgmental, heteronormative, and, frankly, insulting statements about it.

It can “not be your thing” without you insulting it. It can “not be your thing” without you dismissing it, the people that like it, or the people that make it. You can “not understand it” without assuming and acting like you do. And she clearly doesn’t, because she calls the bottoms in the scenes “subs” and the tops “dominant,” when topping and bottoming have nothing to do with D/s. Again, that’s fine to not know that, but stop acting like an authority and jumping on people that are trying to correct and explain.
Carnivalesq put it really eloquently when she said:
See, this is an opinion: “All this new queer porn with trans guys. Trans guys don’t turn me on. I prefer real cocks.”

This is transphobia: “I hate this porn with people who seem like guys till I see their vaginas and realize they’re actually women.”

It’s transphobia, and it’s intolerance.

Precisely. It’s not transphobic to not be attracted to transpeople. But it’s transphobic to say “I thought they were guys until I saw their vaginas and then realized that they’re chicks” because they’re NOT chicks. That’s not how they identify! They don’t fit into a binary gender presentation, and that’s the point. Calling them women is horribly insulting to them, because that’s not what they or how they identify. It’s not up to you to put your labels on someone else’s gender.

Plus, to say you don’t care if you’re transphobic? That’s fucking disgusting. How can you not care if you invalidate everything that someone stands for, who that person is, insult them, and belittle them? How can you not care? Ignorance is one thing, choosing to be ignorant is quite another. And intolerance? That’s ALWAYS unacceptable.
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  1. Colleen
    Posted February 9, 2010 at 4:09 am | Permalink


    Glad I was quoted.

    I agree with this post.

  2. Darling Dove
    Posted February 9, 2010 at 7:07 am | Permalink

    Look. I was raised to know queer = gay. I dont give a fuck about reading into my porn because IT IS PORN. I cannot recognize transpeople on sight. I see vaginas in porn and to me they are a woman. I see cocks in porn and to me they are a man.

    Someone being trans, in any form of life, honestly is not my business at all and I'm not going to fucking research any kind of porn. It happens to be my taste that I dislike woman who look like men and men who look like women. I always have. They are not attractive to me. Since they are in porn and their 'cis gender' is on display, excuse me for seeing that and USING THE LOGIC THAT MOST NORMAL PEOPLE HAVE TO DEDUCE GENDER. How is it not logical to see "Hmm, everyone has a vagina, I think this must be lesbian porn- but maybe just lesbian porn with more masculine women" when you see a selection of common trans stuff?

    But you know what? Fuck you. Fuck you all for being insensitive bitches who will LEAP at the first sign of drama. Especially you brit, because you've just been feeding off of drama to get blog hits lately and its damn annoying.

    If I am a transphobe, I dont care. I didnt see your tweets because I've unfollowed you and I really dont care what you think about it. If you're so goddamn uptight to make a blog post about me NOT CARING AND NOT READING INTO PORN, then excuse the hell out of me. It's porn. You watch it to see people fuck, not for social motherfucking commentary.

    So yeah, fuck off bitch.

  3. Darling Dove
    Posted February 9, 2010 at 7:10 am | Permalink

    BTW reason I dont care if YOU PEOPLE say I am a transphobe is because I know me and I know I'm fucking not. I've never been rude to a transperson in my fucking life except when they were trying to abuse me and then it was a "You're a bad person" issue not a trans issue.

    So yeah, I certainly dont care if the same bunch of people who brought me and the internet "All men are potential rapists" also claim I am a transphobe.

  4. Britni TheVadgeWig
    Posted February 9, 2010 at 7:18 am | Permalink

    you've just been feeding off of drama to get blog hits lately and its damn annoying.

    Um… how so? And if you know anything about me, I don't give a FUCK about blog hits.

    Also, I flat out said that I don't have a problem with people not getting it and not understanding. But asking about it, or asking for clarification is all it takes. Or saying, "hey, it's not my thing." Instead, you were totally dismissive of anyone else's attempts to explain the problem with the way you stated your opinion.

    I know that not everyone knows about trans issues or queer issues, or anything like that. And I get that. But you don't have to be dismissive, intolerant, and closed-minded about it.

    So yeah, I certainly dont care if the same bunch of people who brought me and the internet "All men are potential rapists" also claim I am a transphobe.

    Oh, honey, *we* are not responsible for bringing THE INTERNET "all men are potential rapists" rhetoric. That's been around feminist sites, theory, and such for years and years and years. Don't give us so much credit.

    I didn't name you, because I didn't want to personally attack someone that was unaware that I even felt the way I did, but I do appreciate you commenting. Honestly, I do. Not everyone would have the balls to do so.

  5. Darling Dove
    Posted February 9, 2010 at 7:34 am | Permalink

    Did it ever occur to either of you though that maybe I watch porn for sex and not to know everything about the people contained in it? Honestly, I never knew any of those stars beforehand, and I dont know, nor does it particularly affect me if they are trans.

    I was dismissive of it because I was being attacked for saying "I hate trans people" WHEN I NEVER SAID THAT. I said I did not like chicks who look like dudes. That is what I said. It's not as if they were labeled 'trans' or 'not trans' and honestly I'd rather assume that they werent than that they were. If you think Names are a giveaway you're dead wrong because I've seen women with some damn masculine names due to their parents wanting a boy or something.

    And well, the blog that made it into a giant pissing match and decided to go for "what offends people the most" rather than "what gets our point across the best".

    Just read something you're saying as if it was said to you. Have you not defended your opinion before? And you guys apparently dont even have a problem with my opinion- BUT THE WAY I SAID IT. That is such a small thing to nitpick its not even funny. I even prefaced it with "I will probably make a million enemies" if I remember right. I KNEW someone would take it wrongly. I didnt mean to say, I hate trans guys. I meant to say, I see a bunch of people with vaginas, and some look like guys, and thats not my taste in porn.

    Because, you know, if I want to watch women in porn I will watch women. in porn. And if I want to watch men in porn I will watch men. in porn. It's fucking porn. I'm not specifically attracted to manly girls or girly guys or trans people. So honestly its not my business where they come from or what they do.

    Btw.. I ignored your points because your tweets are protected. I CANT SEE THEM. Not unless someone RTs them, which someone (who also left a non-directed parting shot at me) so kindly did.

    If me saying this stuff invalidates peoples existence and what they stand for- So be it, but I wasn't informed that I was so god damned important to be able to invalidate people with a simple preference comment made on fucking twitter.

  6. Darling Dove
    Posted February 9, 2010 at 7:40 am | Permalink

    Anyways, I have better things to do than this. But if you think not putting a name on it excuses you for taking like.. what, 6 or 7 comments on twitter from someone you don't know a god damned thing about and calling them a transphobe and an awful human being, you're really wrong. I cannot think of a single thing you meant to do by calling me that except start drama.

    I'm out though. I really dont care anymore. Unfollow me if it bothers you that damn much that I happen to simplify things to 'cisgender' in porn, and that I don't really care about being politically correct when everything can offend someone somehow in this day and age.

    Even if I did say I dont like trans people- I want to know what business of yours it is who I do and dont like? But, in real life, a persons personality matters to me more than that. Unfortunately for everyone else (I guess), in porn, what matters to me is the sex. How the people look, and the sex. It's porn.

  7. Britni TheVadgeWig
    Posted February 9, 2010 at 7:44 am | Permalink

    You're missing the point. The point is very well summed up in Carnivalesq's comment. I never said you had to like it.

    I also unlocked my tweets last night, so that you *would* see my RTs. I just locked them again about half an hour ago.

    Either way, you're never going to convince me of your point, and you're clearly unwilling to try to see mine. So be it.

  8. Colleen
    Posted February 9, 2010 at 7:48 am | Permalink

    The point:

    You said, "I'd like queer porn if it wasn't dominated by VERY athletic submissive girls and dominant ones I can't tell are girls till I see their vag."

    …implying that you saw trans men, thought they were cisgendered males, until you "(saw) their vag" and realized they were "dominant ones (girls)."

    Truth: Some masculine people in porn are men. Some are masculine women. Some are trans men. Trans men ARE ACTUALLY men, but their genitals do not match what they feel inside.

    Also, I do not think cisgender means what you think it means.

    Cisgender: is an adjective that means, "someone who is comfortable in the gender they were assigned at birth."

    When you say, "Since they are in porn and their 'cis gender' is on display, excuse me for seeing that and USING THE LOGIC THAT MOST NORMAL PEOPLE HAVE TO DEDUCE GENDER," you mis-use the word cisgender. Please look it up.

    I think the word you mean is genitals. Their genitals are on display. "Cisgender" is an identity, like "transman" is an identity.

    We do not take issue with your opinions. We take issue with your lack of information. Please google words you don't know the meaning of.

  9. Welcome to Chicago, Jillinois
    Posted February 9, 2010 at 8:28 am | Permalink

    This is why I don't Twitter.

  10. Saraid
    Posted February 9, 2010 at 2:17 pm | Permalink

    @Darling Dove – Okay, so you don't like masculine women, fine – transmen are not women. That's why what you are saying is so offensive.

    That's a simply as I can put it.

  11. Essin' Em
    Posted February 9, 2010 at 2:18 pm | Permalink

    Applause to you, to Britni, to Epiphora, to Carnival, to everyone that spoke up to educate.

    Cis privilege is something that a lot of people don't get. It's hard. In the same way that 30 years ago (and sometimes today), people were angry at the idea of hetero privilege, and before that, at white privilege, and before that, at male privilege. People don't like realizing that there is inequality in society, and that they, by default, have privilege that others don't.

    I understand watching porn and not seeing what you like. I've watched some queer porn (and I <3 queer porn), and have been like "I like the people, but this is too lovey dovey; let's have some fucking." Other people have watched the same video, and said "oh my god, they said the word cunt. This is far too hardcore for me." Porn is not meant for everyone.

    However, there is a huge difference between "this doesn't turn me on" and saying transphobic/fat (or skinny) phobic/homophoic comments. This tweeter is certainly not the only one to have these reactions, and they don't make her a bad person. It does mean, however, that this is an educational opportunity. Some people choose to learn — I've had lots of people ask me what cisgender even means. Others, like in this case, choose to go back into ignorance. That is there choice, but it does make them a phobe. Transphobe/sizephobe/etc.

  12. Darling Dove
    Posted February 10, 2010 at 12:12 am | Permalink

    I understand you wont post the whole story, such as my comment where I said I KNEW I'd make enemies by posting it, which I said because I knew I was incapable of articulating myself tactfully, and the comment that prefaced my "I will have what I want" comment to epiphora, where I said "You have what you like and.." because it boiled down to preference.

    But here is what I would like you to consider.

    Are you not, by posting slanderous and hateful comments towards me, doing the same thing you accuse me of, except towards one individual?

    I am not a politician. I am not an activist. I am not going to go out tomorrow and stage an anti-transsexual protest. I said one thing, and that is that I do not like women who look like men in porn. It is not to my taste. I do not care much about their sexual or gender orientation because it is porn. I am one person with preferences that differ from all of yours, and one person who has admitted REPEATEDLY that I have very large issues with tact.

    I dont care if you have an issue with me, and I don't care if you consider me a transphobe. I don't. But I do care, just a little, about comments taken out of context and posted to make me intentionally look like a cuntwitch on a blog that will be there FOREVER. You know why I care? Because when people look me up online, this isn't what I want them to see. It boils down to preference. I've been fairgamed before, and I have a large pile of shit under my various names that will likely haunt me for the rest of my life.

    So if you choose to keep this up, it's your bag. If you really want to, I would like to request that you either post my comments in their entirety, however, or DO NOT POST THEM AT ALL. They are MY comments and my intellectual property, and I am not authorizing them for this usage unless they are displayed in full and not snipped out of context. Just because my tweets aren't 'protected' doesn't mean I give you license to use them to defame me on a blog that, after you stop blogging, after I stop caring, after everyone stops really giving a fuck, will still be here, recorded on the internet for all to see, just because some people got offended at my lack of tact.

  13. Darling Dove
    Posted February 10, 2010 at 12:12 am | Permalink

    So, take this how you will. I'm sure it will be some kind of a 'win' for you or something. But before you make comments about me being awful, and wish for me to be ostracized even more in life, maybe you should stop and take a look at the full implications of what you, yourself are doing.

    If you keep this up, even with my comments in their entirety, I'll still consider it telling that you'd rather ostracize someone publicly for what boils down to tactless preferential comments, than consider that maybe thats all they were- tactless preferential comments. That you'd publicly put a permanent mark on an individual for their preference.

    Now, if I came on twitter and said "KILL ALL TRANNIES, FUCK ALL JEWS, BURN THE GAYS AND FURRIES" then by all means, PLEASE slander me. Please do. But I am not going to do anything like that. Because contrary to what you think, I have no PROBLEM with transsexual people or transgender people.

    Oh and for the record 'Connie', I've seen cisgender used multiple times on the EF forums to mean someone born into their proper gender, IE; "cismales" and "transmales" in comparison, so this issue with definition is not entirely my fault.

    This will be my last post on your blog. Whether you take it down or leave it up is your decision, but I have made my wishes known. I am poor, and I do not have the money to pursue a slander or libel-based lawsuit, so you do not have to worry about that. I will just go back to my life, being 'an awful human being', and wondering where, on the "reviewer signup" sheet it said "Must be an expert in tact, and must never say anything that might even slightly offend any group in the universe, or else they are subject to public libel and defamation". I really did miss that part.


  14. Britni TheVadgeWig
    Posted February 10, 2010 at 2:42 am | Permalink

    DD, I have no idea why you are freaking out over this to the extent that you are. I've now posted your comments in their entirety. It's also not libel or slander, I never mentioned your name. YOU mentioned your name. And you would really pursue a lawsuit over something like this if you had the money? WOW.

    You keep saying "I don't care," but you clearly do. If it was a personal attack on you, your name would have been mentioned. It wasn't. I was making a point. YOU turned it into an attack.

  15. Britni TheVadgeWig
    Posted February 10, 2010 at 3:12 am | Permalink

    Okay, your other tweet is up. It doesn't change the point at all, but there ya go. And I didn't publicly tarnish your name, nor do I have any desire to see you "suffer." YOU made this about you by having hissy fits in my comments. And YOU tweeted all this in the first place, so you've already publicly shared these words.

    Calm down. People disagree about shit. The "awful human being" reference was more towards the "I don't care if I'm transphobic" comment. Because to me, that implies that you don't care that you're insulting people. Once it's been pointed out to you, even if you were doing it unknowingly before then, there are ways to go about rectifying that. But instead you got butthurt and decided that you didn't care about being ignorant (because you had no desire to look anything up, research, or ask) or phobic. THAT was the part that offended me so greatly.

    And you chose to attach your name to this, which I respect. I wasn't the one that did so. I was using your words to make a point WITHOUT "tarnishing" your name.

  16. Ghouldilocks
    Posted February 11, 2010 at 12:51 am | Permalink

    Um. Crazy lady is crazy.

    How do you NOT care if you're transphobic (or a phobe of any sort)? That's just… well, it's just plain shitty.

  17. April
    Posted February 11, 2010 at 2:37 pm | Permalink

    So here's my opinion and you know I'm always going to be honest, so here it goes:

    The only thing that I think DD could possibly have said initially that would upset someone is that she referred to the transgendered man as a woman. And he is not a woman. Even though he has a vagina. Inside, he thinks he's a man.

    I would like to know how someone who isn't knowledgeable of the LGBT community is supposed to know, after seeing a vagina, that the person is transgendered? Can you see how they feel on the inside? Maybe DD just thought he was a very butch female? I'm sure it's easy for you to identify trans people but that doesn't mean it's easy for everyone.

    Even still, you wrote, "You're a transphobe because you've insulted someone else's gender presentation by completely refusing to accept or understand how it could be desirable or acceptable for someone, just because it isn't to you." Maybe I missed it, but she didn't say, "I don't see how anyone could possibly like this kind of porn." She said SHE didn't find it desirable. She didn't say it was unacceptable either.

    I think you guys jumped her tweets inappropriately. Maybe you could've just said BEFORE calling her a transphone, "Hey, just so you know, the one's who you can't tell are girls til you see their vag are not actually women. They're transgendered men. And calling them women is offensive. I'm not sure if you knew that or not." Maybe you could've educated her right off the bat instead of making your own assumptions about her opinion, which it was, her opinion, and not called her a transphobe. And then to call her an awful human being in your title? Wow. I can see why she responded the way she did on your comments. You and Epiphora definitely could've looked at this as an opportunity to educate someone in a nice way.

    You know I heart you, Brit, but I think this was poorly handled and completely made into something it wasn't.

  18. April
    Posted February 11, 2010 at 7:31 pm | Permalink

    Oh and I'm not to be confused with the April you guys were referencing in the porn. I have made some of my own home porn, but I'm by no means a porn star. =)

  19. Rockin' With a Cock in
    Posted February 15, 2010 at 2:54 pm | Permalink

    Since this has cooled, I'd like to point out for anyone who stumbles upon this later, that DarlingDove never said one of the things that people have been throwing back and forth. She never said "saw their vag." Epiphora did. I don't know what she was trying to quote, but it was a misquote. DarlingDove said "were men before I saw their uncovered equipment" and for some reason after Epiphora said the "saw their vag" part, DD said she didn't have room to type vagina, which didn't even make sense to me since she didn't say vag in the first place. I say all this because I was watching the Twitter convo and also I read the above text. It's possible that there was another person involved that I didn't follow, but either way the text didn't make it into the original post here.

    I pretty much agree w/ the commenter April above me.

  20. Britni TheVadgeWig
    Posted February 15, 2010 at 3:01 pm | Permalink

    Rockin, she *did* say "saw their vag." I screencapped it at the beginning of this post. It's right here: https://twitter.com/DarlingDove/status/8843854604

    "…ones I can't tell are girls till I see their vag."

    I copy and pasted those tweets word for word.

  21. Epiphora
    Posted February 15, 2010 at 5:02 pm | Permalink

    Rockin': Yes she did. I was quoting her because that's what she said and it contributed to my sense that she was being insensitive to trans people. I wouldn't just throw a quote out there for no reason.

  22. Rockin' With a Cock in
    Posted February 16, 2010 at 10:45 pm | Permalink

    Shoot, I missed that. I was recalling watching the conversation happen and I don't think I saw it initially, so when it was quoted, it seemed off to me, because the last thing I'd read was the equipment comment.

    I'm sorry for that mistake. I should have reread the screen caps.

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