Product Review: Randy

“Let me ask you a question, and be honest. Do I make you horny, baby? Do I? Do I made you randy? Yeah!”

After reading Epiphora’s review of Vixen Creations’ Vixskin Randy, I sent it to Profligacy. I told Him that I was scared of Randy. He immediately ordered it, complete with next day shipping. Fuck me. Which, of course, is exactly what He planned on doing with it. Randy is, for lack of a better term, a fucking beast. And it is completely Epiphora’s fault that I had my vagina ripped open and ravaged with a cock as thick as a Coke can. Thanks, Epiphora! Actually, it’s probably my fault for sending Profligacy the review in the first place. But I digress.
It’s not the length of Randy that scared me; he’s only got 5 1/2 inches of insertable length. It’s Randy’s insane girth that scared me– a 2 1/8 inch diameter of girth, to be precise. Now, maybe that doesn’t seem like all that much. Trust me, though. IT IS. Look at Randy next to the Fun Factory Curve, a toy often regarded as “girthy.”

Now, look at Randy next to the Rascal, which was, until this point, the girthiest toy that I’d ever taken.

Simply put, Randy is fucking big. And frankly, I was fucking petrified. But Profligacy is a big fan of putting large objects into my vagina, scaring the fuck out of me, causing me pain, and working me up in order to be able to fist me with His monstrous hands. Therefore, Randy was apparently the perfect purchase.
When Randy arrived, my first thought was, “Damn! This thing is HEAVY.” And it is. Randy weighs a full pound. My second thought? “Oh, shit. There is no fucking way that thing is fitting inside my vagina. Nope. Not happening.” Randy comes in the standard Vixen Creations tube, but getting him out was a challenge because the base of Randy is pretty much the exact same size as the tube. It took a little pulling, but I finally got him out.
Now, I love the Vixskin material. Randy also comes in silicone, but Vixskin silicone is a beautiful material that is very unique in the way it feels. Vixskin feels, in a word, realistic. It’s soft, squishy, and really quite lovely. Vixen Creations is run by queer people, and therefore, many of their dildos come in realistic colors and shapes, and are also harness compatible. Randy is no different. He comes in vanilla, caramel, and chocolate. Despite their names, these are not yummy treats for you to eat. They are really more like skin tones. My Randy is caramel. I would have preferred him in the beautiful green color, but it’s been discontinued. Sadface. But when he’s inside me, his color does not matter.
There was no way in hell that Randy was going in without warm-up. And so, Profligacy got to work. There were fingers, probably a cock, and god knows what else. Then, He went on to my Rascal, which we had yet to try yet. It felt amazing. He fucked me with that for a while, and then He removed it. I knew exactly what was coming, but I was relaxed and in post-orgasmic bliss and too out of it to worry much. Until He tried to insert Randy.

My vagina screamed, “NO FUCKING WAY GET THAT THING OUT OF ME NOW,” and it hadn’t even gotten farther than the head. Profligacy removed it and resumed fingering me. And then He tried inserting it again. OHFUCKHELLNAH. At this point, I was backing away towards the headboard, trying to escape from THE THING THAT WAS TRYING TO MURDER MY VAGINA. Again, He removed Randy. And finally, He tried a third time to get Randy inside me. It hurt. I could feel my vagina stretching, but I took a deep breath and let Him push Randy all the way in.

Mother of god, Randy is fucking big. Now that He was in, I began to relax, my vagina stopped yelling at me, and instead sighed a happy sigh as she adjusted to having herself wrapped around Randy. With Randy inside me, and Profligacy thrusting him gently while fingering my clit, I came. And I came hard. And it was fucking awesome. I can’t really describe how FULL you feel with Randy inside you. Because that’s the only word for it: full. And orgasming with him in is awesome, because you really have something for your cunt to clench and grab onto. And so, it’s official: Randy makes me randy, baby, yeah!*
Now, if you want all the basics, and all the boring-ass info that everybody puts in every review, here you go: Randy is made from Vixskin silicone, blah blah blah. Non-porus, blah, blah, phthalate-free, blah, sterilizable, blahblah. Antibacterial soap and water, 10% bleach solution, or dishwasher to clean blah blah blahblah. Water-based lube only. Blah. Harness compatible, anal safe due to flared base. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. If you don’t know all this already, you’re clearly not paying good enough attention.
Randy is definitely not something that I want to use every day. And I’m unable to insert Him without a partner, as I just can’t seem to get myself warmed up enough to do so. But, as a size queen, and someone that loves having my cunt filled, Randy really is a great addition to my toy box. He’s a special occasion kind of toy, but that doesn’t make me love him any less. In fact, it might make me appreciate him even more!
If you’re not a size queen, Randy is not for you. But, if you like a challenge, Randy is definitely a fun one! You could even give yourself a prize if you get him all the way in, though I think the orgasmic satisfaction he provides is reward enough. If you think Randy sounds like something that you want to own, what are you waiting for? Go buy one!

product picture
Dildo by Vixen Creations
Material: VixSkin
Buy from EdenFantasys

*Yes, I’m aware of the fact that I’m a total loser. Bite me. Though I have to warn you, I like biting. A lot.
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  1. Amorous Rocker
    Posted February 9, 2010 at 6:36 am | Permalink

    Okay, when I was 18, I had a guy friend that I partied with a lot. We fooled around and the first time I saw his cock, it scared the fuck out of me. No joke. He was a little bit bigger than a Coke can. And yes, we used an actual Coke can to compare it to. He was also not lacking in the length department. I couldn't get my mouth open wide enough to get him in there, granted I don't have a very big mouth despite what people might think, lol. But still. I couldn't take him there and I wasn't letting him anywhere near my vagina. So, my friend slept with him instead and then walked funny for days after. I always thought he'd make a killer porn stuff with a cock like that but he said he'd probably get stage fright, ha.

    Now though, I'd probably try out the Randy. Knowing my body the way I do, I doubt I could even get it inside me but it would be fun to try. =D Seriously a shame they discontinued the green color though.

    I can't see wanting to use that beast anally! Holy fuckshitwow.

    Aside from the great review of the product, you totally had me chuckling with the Austin Powers reference. ;) Awesome.

  2. Britni TheVadgeWig
    Posted February 9, 2010 at 6:40 am | Permalink

    I slept with a guy, who, on my old blog was named "The Man, The Myth, The Legend." His cock made an audible thud when he rolled over and it hit my stomach. It was the scariest thing ever, and hurt like a fucking bitch.

  3. Amorous Rocker
    Posted February 9, 2010 at 6:50 am | Permalink

    Haha! That makes me laugh but I'm sure had I been in bed with the dude and had that happen, I'd have been tripping out a bit. Or tripping out a lot. Depending on how sober I was (or wasn't) at the time of the thud. Vaginas are amazing.

  4. Welcome to Chicago, Jillinois
    Posted February 9, 2010 at 8:15 am | Permalink

    Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!

    Also, my Man, Myth, Legend was called "Horse." Yes, vaginas ARE amazing.

  5. Vanilla Kinks
    Posted February 9, 2010 at 8:38 am | Permalink

    I'm definitely intrigued . . .

  6. Dangerous Lilly
    Posted February 9, 2010 at 8:47 am | Permalink

    I gotta admit I've never fucked a guy that big.

    They do have a lovely shade of purple for the silicone Randy. I wonder how much different the materials would feel?

  7. moresexchocolateandredlipstick
    Posted February 9, 2010 at 9:55 am | Permalink

    My God girl! That is crazy! I can't even imagine that – I can barely get a girthier-than-average cock into me! It's a shame that you don't want a baby, because I'm thinking that would be pretty simple after Randy!

    —Amy xxxx

  8. Joanna Cake
    Posted February 9, 2010 at 2:02 pm | Permalink

    My vagina has shrunk back on itself in fear! It couldnt manage to get the kids out and it's not even going to attempt the Randy!

    Although my brain is saying that it wouldn't mind having a go with the Rascal :)

  9. Epiphora
    Posted February 9, 2010 at 7:12 pm | Permalink

    LOL, you're welcome! Perfect review.

  10. Ghouldilocks
    Posted February 9, 2010 at 7:15 pm | Permalink

    Looking at that thing makes my vagina hurt…

  11. namelesschaos
    Posted February 9, 2010 at 7:26 pm | Permalink

    I was wondering were you and the Randy were going to end up ever since you commented in blog that the much smaller Rascal hurt your cunt. Glad to see it went well.

    You want to know something scary…I'm intrigued if *I* could ever take that thing I've (male here so we're talking up the ass) I already plan to get a 2" dildo in the near future. Judging from all the glowing reviews this will be my next size up if all goes will with the 2".

  12. Advizor
    Posted February 10, 2010 at 1:23 am | Permalink

    Great review. They say that "size doesn't matter" but it's a hoot to see you try. Great Post.

One Trackback

  1. By Product Review: Ophoria Beyond 3 on September 21, 2010 at 12:01 am

    [...] that are not curved, unless there’s something else special about them (i.e. the massive girth of Randy). And after Epiphora’s glowing review of the Ophoria Beyond 3, I decided that I needed to get my [...]

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