Sex Negativity Grosses Me Out

Those of you that follow me on Twitter may have noticed my outrage last night regarding a post on Toy With Me about squirting. I tweeted:

So what was it that got my panties all in a twist about this piece? Well, I’m not sure where to even begin. How about with the title, Squirting Vaginas Freak Me Out? Well, what if I was to say that long labia freaked me out, or red pubic hair freaked me out? If you had either of those two things, I’m sure you’d feel AWESOME about yourself after reading that. But I’m a snarky bitch capable of tongue-in-cheek writing. Maybe the article itself would prove to be less offensive.
Except it wasn’t. Some excerpts (emphasis mine):
Have you watched porn lately? [...] Not only do most of these women squirt when they orgasm, meaning actually ejaculate from their vaginas, they fucking gush buckets! 1. I don’t entirely see how that’s sanitary, nor how you can really clean up after an event like that, and 2. I’m sorry… EW. Why is this desirable? Why is this something that turns men on? In fact, if you’re a man, would you please leave a comment and let me know what about this seems awesome to you?

I am hereby calling for a return to the 1970’s view of women; somewhat hairy, kinda dorky, but innocent and with bodily fluids that primarily stay in the body. I, like men, would really like to see a porn with someone who looks more like me.

Anyway, I think the real issue is that this is all getting out of control. I need things to go back to the way they were. No more squirting, no more DVDA, no more sex that nobody except the actors actually have.

Are you a squirter? Does it turn you on? If so, dear G-D… why?

Within a matter of MINUTES, my timeline blew up with outrage and retweets. Not only that, the comment section on the article itself blew up as well, with many intelligent, respected, and rightfully pissed off sex bloggers saying their piece regarding this post.

They made some really fantastic and wonderful points, and did so much more eloquently than I could have (and did). None of them were personal attacks on the writer’s character, and all used her words and points to back up their criticism. Some of the points that were made included:


I find it laughingly ironic that the tag line on this blog is “I have a vagina and I’m not afraid to use it,” yet you’re squicked out by a natural function of the vagina in some people. That’s rich.


Wow. I can’t remember that last time I read something so far down the spectrum from Sex Positive. As a man that has been with many “Squirting” women I can tell you this is not a new thing. and no woman should be made to feel like a freak for doing it any more than they should be made to feel as if they are deviant for enjoying sex or reaching orgasm as they were in previous eras.


That closing line right there? It CLEARLY expresses that something many women find natural is something you think is disgusting and reprehensible.

“No more squirting…no more sex that nobody except the actors actually have.” That’s you saying that no one except the porn actors/actresses can actually do this.

You are closed minded. You don’t provide another perspective or opinion on the matter. Your tone is very ‘be all, end all, I am the one true authority on this matter’ and if that’s not what you intended? Then word things more carefully.

“I don’t have to compete with those porn stars, because they look like me!” Since when do women confident in themselves and secure in their partner’s desire for them feel the need to ‘compete’ with porn stars?


I don’t care if you think squirting is weird. I don’t care if you don’t want to even remotely attempt to do it yourself (newsflash: sometimes G-spot stimulation just makes you squirt… god forbid this ever happens to you!). I care that you’re shaming squirters and making incorrect generalizations for the sake of writing a not-even-funny article.

Darling Dove:

…shame like this is what made it so I can hardly squirt at all anymore. When I was younger I’d do it with hardly any effort and it was SO satisfying. Now its hard for me to even gush. All because of that shame about it being ‘dirty’ and worrying that guys would hate it. [...] And its just this kind of shame that makes girls less receptive to orgasm in general. This type of stress and worry that makes them hold back or not be able to let go. [...] Please stop trying to make others feel inferior because they like something that you find gross/you disagree with. Cause that is the same damn argument used in every other kind of discrimination, if you take it down to the bones of it.


What is unsanitary about female ejaculation? Do you find semen disgusting too? Squirting is not some new fad. A lot of women are capable of doing it, but we’ve been taught for so long to be ashamed of our bodies and what they do that many women never get to experience any type of orgasm. Let alone a squirting one.

And how did the site administrator respond? Like a bratty fucking child. She basically told all of those disagreeing with the post to fuck off, under the guise of trying to promote commentary that was “thought-provoking, edgy, and against the grain.”

What, are you Republicans now? Get the fuck over yourselves. I would think that such a community would be able to read a thought provoking sarcastic humorous post from a fabulous writer and discuss it rationally without jumping on it like a herd of sheep. The sex blogging community needs more opinions that go against the grain and writers should have the right to express those opinions without being vilified. The amount of shit that I read in my reader from the “me to” crowd is what appalls me. The vast majority of it is recycled total crap. I am proud that we here at Toy With Me have the balls to post thought provoking, opinionated, humorous prose that may cut against the grain. Get use to it.

What a GREAT way to do PR! Look, I’m all for against the grain, edgy, and thought-provoking. And I’ll agree that the sex blogging community can become a bit of an echo chamber at times. But if you’re going to encourage people to post opinion pieces that go against popular opinions, you have to expect that people are going to disagree. If you want the right to post whatever you want, then your readers have a right to comment however they want. I don’t think that any of the comments that were critical were rude or distasteful, but the responses by the site’s supporters and contributors were; they were defensive and shot down and alienated a very large number of what very well could have been new readers.

In case you weren’t totally convinced that this site is not sex-positive or female-positive in any way, you might want to check out posts such as:

I Am Afraid of My Vagina:

Before the feminists start throwing copies of Betty Friedan’s classic, “The Feminine Mystique” at my head, screaming about how I’m sending out the Wrong Message about being female means that I must embrace the genitals, let me assure you this: I am an equal-opportunity genital hater. While I like their function, I don’t really want to sit around waxing poetic while staring dreamily at The Penis either. Genitals, to me, are just kind of weird looking. [...]

While to most people, the prospect of coming eye-to-proverbial-eye with another person’s genitalia is something that happens voluntarily after a few too many Long Island Iced Teas, I’m a recovering nurse, and I once worked on the floor where babies are delivered. Trust me when I tell you with absolute certainty that there is such a thing as an ugly vagina. I’ve been eye-level with enough of them to know.

You Are Not Bi. You Are Just A Slut:

If you can picture yourself in a loving, sexual relationship with a person of either gender, then congratulations, you are an ACTUAL bisexual person. However, if you are one of those people who went out, got drunk off of Schlitz, kissed a girl/boy (as appropriate) on a dare, and then went home and listened to Katy Perry’s “I Kissed A Girl” on repeat for four hours, you, my friend, are not bi. You. Are. Slutty.

Birth Control For Men: Not A Chance:

There may be a reason why us females have been the ones to take the pills, put on the patches and shove in the diaphragms. Let’s put it this way: when your husband or partner watches the kids, does he ever forget to give them breakfast? Does the little one sit in a poopy diaper for a little too long sometimes? And is it common for him to forget to remind the 10-year-old to change his stanky underwear? [...]

In general, I think men were made with a lot of wonderful, endearing qualities, such as the ability to fix things with limited resources and a genetic predisposition to protect and provide for their families at all costs–but remembering mundane everyday things, especially things that they probably feel are a “woman thing”–is not one of them. I am pretty sure that the human population might just increase exponentially if the birth control was handed over to the testosterone fueled members of society.

What disappoints me the most about this site is that it’s run by a bunch of women, and is trying to tout itself as sex-positive, when it really isn’t. It’s a bunch of shame-filled crap, spouting the same kind of rhetoric and beliefs that have made us so ashamed of our bodies for so many years, wrapped up in a pretty, “sarcastic” package. But I’ve got news for you, Toy With Me. Many a truth is said in jest. I know, because I used to write these kinds of articles, in this kind of tone, and about these kinds of things. I was covering up my shame and embarrassment about sex and my body with “jokes.”

The first time I ever squirted, I was in high school. I’d never heard of it before. I didn’t know what it was, and neither did my boyfriend (so clearly I was influenced by all that newfangled porn that’s CONVINCING women that we NEED to teach our bodies to do this GROSS and UNNATURAL thing). I was so ashamed and embarrassed that I cried, and was never able to let go and lose myself in my orgasms again for many, many years. Shortly after that happened, I was dating a guy that actually said, “ew” because of how wet I got. And so I apologized to every guy that I was ever with, so that they couldn’t criticize me first. I was ashamed of my body and what it produced, convinced that I was abnormal and a freak. And it’s shit like this that just reinforces that shame.

I’ve removed them from my sidebar, and don’t plan on giving them any more traffic beyond this post. As Dan said, I think they need a new slogan for their blog, as “I have a vagina and I’m not afraid to use it!” doesn’t seem to fit, as many of their writers seemingly *are* afraid to use them. Especially if they squirt.

EDIT: I’ve said my last piece over there, though I’m sure the words will fall on deaf ears. I felt I needed to get that out, though I seem to be much more civil and respectful than any of the people associated with that site, so it’s probably fruitless.

This entry was posted in Caterwauling About The Patriarchy, Griping and Kvetching and Bitching, Sex Miscellany, Sexuality, With A Little Help From My Friends. Bookmark the permalink. Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.


  1. Hubman
    Posted November 24, 2009 at 6:57 am | Permalink

    Who knew the sex-positive blogosphere could be so negative?

  2. Another Suburban Mom
    Posted November 24, 2009 at 7:34 am | Permalink

    I am really surprised that a "sex positive" site is so negative about a natural sexual act.

    I also do not think squirting is gross. One of these days when I have some free time, I am dying to try to figure out how to make it happen.

    And as for the Ugly Vagina lady. Of course the vagina is not looking especially lovely after giving birth. You just pushed several pounds of human being though it and its all bruised and swollen and stitched up.

    But you should be proud of the vagina for performing some very hard labor successfully. (pun intended)

  3. Sexy Sixty
    Posted November 24, 2009 at 8:29 am | Permalink

    I've never had the pleasure of experiencing a squirting vagina,. but I think my reaction would the same as I see in the porn movie. Total happiness. I think it would be a blast (pun intended) to get a shower while dining out.

    May be a little messy, but isn't good sex always a bit messy?

  4. eva
    Posted November 24, 2009 at 8:45 am | Permalink

    :s What a negative blog. And these women are grown up, too, they're not inexperienced teenagers who doesn't know better.

    I'm glad I'm not grossed out by genitals! It's nice to enjoy what life has to offer :)

    Oh and by the way, I can't believe that you had a guy say "ew"!? He couldn't have been very good at pleasing the ladies if a bit of sogginess took him by surprise.

  5. Brigit
    Posted November 24, 2009 at 9:28 am | Permalink

    What the heck? Normal biological function is normal biological function is normal bio-fucking-logical function.
    And it's quite sad that that site is written by adults. It seems that, for them, the only appropriate type of sexuality is their particular flavor of sexuality.
    Human sexuality and sexual mores are wildly varied. If they are starting the judging not even at the practices themselves, but at the human bodies and their function, maybe they should start blogging about other shit.

  6. phaedrafallen
    Posted November 24, 2009 at 10:09 am | Permalink

    Love this post. It puts this so much more eloquently than I did.

    I think their site would be fine if they didn't advertise it as being sex-positive when it is clearly not.

    I wrote a response to both the squirting and the bisexual articles.

  7. Topaz
    Posted November 24, 2009 at 10:11 am | Permalink

    I'm still shaking my head in shock.

    I have no words about that site, but this is what I love about you – the way you call out bullshit. Reading this post must give them pause and reexamine the message they intend to deliver.

    Still shaking my head..

  8. champagneandbenzedrine
    Posted November 24, 2009 at 10:38 am | Permalink

    Wow! What a post!

    I'd actually got seriously snarked by two posts on Toy With Me – the one about men and birth control and the one about bisexuality. I wrote pissed off comments on both of them and got much the same response from the author as you did.

  9. Welcome to Chicago, Jillinois
    Posted November 24, 2009 at 10:54 am | Permalink

    I actually prefer porn that feature women who squirt because you KNOW they're getting off and not just faking it for a paycheck, which is way hotter to me. Why should men be the only ones in control of the moneyshot?

  10. Alexa
    Posted November 24, 2009 at 12:06 pm | Permalink

    I, too, find it hard to believe that the owner of that blog has the nerve to call themselves "sex positive."

    Perhaps they don't understand the concept there. Slut shaming sure isn't sex positive. Shaming someone else's sexual proclivities certainly isn't sex positive.

    This woman sounds like someone fresh out of the 1950s, actually.

    At any rate, as you pointed out, the ridiculous reply she provided speaks volumes about the maturity level there.

    And Brit, your responses were very articulate, my dear. Well done, and thanks for bringing this to everyone's attention.

  11. nenasadije
    Posted November 24, 2009 at 12:37 pm | Permalink

    i'd love to see a post about how you were able to embrace the squirt. you mentioned one guy actually said "ew". it would be interesting to hear about a guy who said "hells yes!"

  12. thedirtysideofus
    Posted November 24, 2009 at 12:56 pm | Permalink

    I love your post thank you for sharing it with everyone!

    There are clearly not sex-positive at all!

  13. Vanilla Kinks
    Posted November 24, 2009 at 1:09 pm | Permalink

    Kinda related to the subject at hand . . . I still apologize to every man I'm with about how wet I get.

    It only takes one "that's gross" comment to really make you feel ashamed of what your body naturally does.

  14. Red
    Posted November 24, 2009 at 1:19 pm | Permalink

    Morbid curiosity makes me want to check out the site…not wanting them to have another hit because "negative attention is *still* attention" is what's stopping me. I don't want the owners of this clearly sex-negative site to think they've snagged another reader.

    I propose a boycott! I also propose we all repost Britni's post (and obviously site her as the author) with some sort of an intro telling people to *not* go read and comment because, as Britni said, our comments are falling on deaf ears. The only way they're going to get the message is if they stop getting traffic.

    What say you all??

  15. alana
    Posted November 24, 2009 at 1:25 pm | Permalink

    I’ve never heard of the site you’re talking about and I’m kind of glad. Yes you can try to be edgy and thought provoking but you don’t do that by putting down a whole group of people. It’s like drawing Obama in a turban – it’s not thought provoking, it’s racist.

    Maybe it’s time someone started a new website.

  16. blueeyedtawni
    Posted November 24, 2009 at 3:29 pm | Permalink

    you know wtf?
    being a squirter is not bad at all.Its one of the things my boyfriend really enjoys about me.
    i bet the owner of that blog only does missionary and nothing else.
    its peoples attuides like that ..that make me mad !
    Thanks for sharing this chicka ..much hugs!

  17. twg
    Posted November 24, 2009 at 4:32 pm | Permalink

    Thanks for taking this on. Attitudes like this are why I was freaked about coming in front of someone when I was younger, and why I didn't know what the hell was happening when I came for years, I might add.

    It's fucking normal, it happens to a lot of people, and fuck the person who wrote that for being just like the people who made me feel shamed about it when I was younger. I come hard, I soak the towel, and too bad for you if you don't come out of an orgasm soaked, because you know what, that shit is intense. That's all I have to say on the topic.

  18. Epiphora
    Posted November 24, 2009 at 6:53 pm | Permalink

    Wonderful post, Brit. I also really, really like the last thing you said on the original post. You're so wonderfully articulate and smart. :)

  19. namelesschaos
    Posted November 24, 2009 at 10:17 pm | Permalink

    I against by better judgment posted something on that thread. I feel dirty for not just ignoring it, but since I already threw my two cent in might as well repeat what I posted here. mainly what struck me about the article and those defended it is the inability to recognizes the difference between a deliberately performed act and an involuntary (for many) physical response.

    Ironical she talks about feeling pressure to do thing because of porn when she creates an even more unrealistic form of pressure by comparing squirting to acts such as facials she and her supporters do is implying that squirting is as voluntary and can be controlled and thus creating pressure to control an involuntary response.

  20. Librarian Babe
    Posted November 25, 2009 at 8:05 am | Permalink

    That whole post and the utter ignorance expressed by the people supporting it is astounding. Apparently as I said in my comments, it IS still socially acceptable to make women feel bad about their bodies.

    So what I'm going to do is start reading your blog and never visit that other blog again (I hadn't heard of it in the first place before this situation.)


  21. Jacalicious
    Posted November 25, 2009 at 7:54 pm | Permalink

    excellent post. what is sad is that the author over there has likely never squirted. that's the real shame.

    oh, and humour is funny.

    if something isn't funny, saying that it is 'humour' doesn't make it funny. in fact, having to point that out at all should be a good indication that one has failed at their attempt.

    ps forgive my extra 'u's in humour – I'm canadian. ;)

  22. Mr. Toy With Me
    Posted November 26, 2009 at 12:40 pm | Permalink

    You think that the intent of the article was to shame women? That she sat down and said…"hmmm, how can I go about shaming women with this post?"
    I think your reaching.

    Listen, all she did was say that after watching some porn that she found squirting yucky. She certainly never said that because you squirt, then you must be disgusting. She asks why people find it desirable. She says that she doesn't understand it.

    If you take this video and show it to 100 women off the street, how many many of them do you think would say. "ew." I would bet that it would be a significant number.

    If that reaction makes you feel ashamed because you don't feel the same way, well then I really don't know what to say to you. I personally find it hot. Sandy probably does as well as she has stated that she is an enthusiastic squirter. I can see how some people can be weirded out by it though. {shrug]

    The site isn't sex positive? That's ridiculous. When Sandy decided that she wanted to move the site to this format she purposely went out of her way to recruit writers that were not sex bloggers.

    She wanted to hear from women that for the most part are not typical sex writers. She wanted to have writers that could really relate and connect to the audience that that she is trying to reach. Does that make for some posts that may come across as not being as enthusiastic towards certain aspects of sexuality as a typical sex blog? Probably. I don't see it as a hanging offense though.

    It's just another take on sex. To say that the site is not sex positive based on a few posts is shortsighted. Let me point you some of the content that perhaps attempts to better make that point.

    Female ejaculation 101

    When children find your sex toys

    The psychology of submission

    Guys, bum play won't make you gay

    Purity balls – Metaphorical incest is cool

    I can go on and on. We have a massive amount of content on the site. Some is more enthusiastic about sex than others, but this is a site that embraces sex.

    Now as far as the comment thread goes… that was a total shit show. I can assure you that Sandy regrets how she handled the situation. I think it was a good lesson for her as an administrator of a busy site and she has posted to that affect.

    Lastly, The Kinky Jew says in her latest comment on the post.

    "Again, I appreciate those who respectfully disagree with me, or who have been offended (and I apologize again for that, as it was not my intent) but managed to keep their tone civil."

  23. sarahbear
    Posted November 26, 2009 at 2:14 pm | Permalink

    Unfortunately it is fruitless. As you can see from Mr. Toy With Me's comment, they aren't interested in what the outcome of the article caused but instead choose to keep focusing on what the intent of the article was.

    My only hope is that people were able to find blogs like this one via the comments over there, or even just read those comments and know that one person's lame opinion of something doesn't mean they're a freak. I hope women (and men) know that there is a whole world of sex-positive, friendly and educational blogs for them to read from.

    I'm so glad you posted this. I wanted to say so the other day when I read it but I'm a little shy and everyone else seemed to say what I was thinking. Thank you. =)

  24. Britni TheVadgeWig
    Posted November 26, 2009 at 4:44 pm | Permalink

    Mr. Toy With Me,

    Thank you for stopping by and saying your piece in a respectful way. And I appreciate Kinky Jew's last comment, as it seemed that the all of the ones before that were really apathetic to the fact that many people were offended by her post.

    Are there sex-positive pieces on the site? Yes, there are. And I totally support and love the fact that Sandy wanted non-sex bloggers as contributors. Everyone has sex, and everyone's voice should be represented. However, I'm not a "professional," either; I'm just a regular girl that writes about sex. I also have supported the site, even though I had read a few pieces that rubbed me the wrong way. I linked to you guys on my sidebar and subscribed to you feed. I like hearing new perspectives, and enjoy reading things that I disagree with, because they make me think.

    However, the pieces that I linked to far overshadow a lot of the good stuff on the site. It's one thing to write a personal opinion piece, or talk about something that you don't get or like. It's something totally different to insult people that do get or like it. And as long as you choose to publish pieces like that, I cannot consider the site sex-positive. Clearly, I'm not the only one that feels that way. If so many people didn't agree with me so strongly, this whole thing wouldn't have gotten as big as it did!

    I was offended by the post, which is why I commented and tweeted, but it was the response to my (and others') comments that *really* turned me off. While Sandy apologized for responding emotionally and harshly (and honestly, I'm glad she did, because when the *site administrator* was that rude and intolerant of people commenting on her blog, I was REALLY turned off), Kinky Jew not only didn't apologize, she belittled and insulted those of us that disagreed with and/or were offended by her piece. And that's not okay.

    I am actually going to re-link to you guys, because I think that dissenting opinions are important. However, "Ew, gross, if you squirt or like squirting, something is clearly wrong with you," and "you're not bisexual, you're just a huge slut" will never, ever be sex-positive. Sarcasm or not, if you want to see an example of satire and personal opinion, check here. Those posts were neither of those things. The post about male birth control was sexist and insulting to every responsible, decent male out there.

    You guys have the right to publish whatever you want, and I have the right to disagree with any and all of it if I choose. We'll have to agree to disagree, I suppose.

  25. Mynerva
    Posted November 29, 2009 at 5:43 am | Permalink

    Really – to squirt or not to squirt, surely it's personal preference? As a squirt-curious individual, I would love to experience the freeing nature of it, as described here. That notwithstanding, although I understand that there are many glands that provide wetness and lubrication around the vagina – I do not know of any bodily receptacle that can contain cups of fluid in that region, other than the bladder. Now if cups of squirting is piss – so what! Piss away. I understand the umbrage taken against the negativity of the original piece of writing, but it also appears that some people who do squirt, find it somehow deeply upsetting to be questioned about it. Which leads me to wonder whether it is they who have deep down concern about it.
    As far as I am concerned – squirt away, squirt as much as you want – or dont! But trying to pretend that it's some magic fluid doesn't make it magical! If it's piss, then revel in it! And piss, when fresh does not smell any different to other bodily fluids.

    Great pieces of writing, Brit! I hope this post does not offend you.

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  • Britni TheVadgeWig

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