I’ve gained a healthy 20 pounds since moving to Boston 7 months ago, putting me at around 120 pounds. It’s the most I’ve ever weighed, though I know I’m still very thin. And generally, I like the weight on myself. I feel like I look better and healthier and fuller. And I tend to prefer other women with weight on them, too. More weight than I carry myself. I like women that society generally considers “chubby” or even “fat.” I like women with curves and rolls.

But I’m still having trouble adjusting to my new body. I bought a dress in a size 5 the other day; the largest sized item of clothing that I’ve ever purchased. Part of me cringed at the fact that I had gone up to a larger size than I’ve ever been. My boobs are now between a D and a DD, making most clothing items difficult for me to fit into. I’m sizing up to a medium in most things, as opposed to the small or extra-small I’m used to wearing.

And logically, I know I look good. I know I look better. I know there’s nothing wrong with how I look. Logically, I know the only reason I even cringe at gaining weight is due to ridiculous patriarchal standards of beauty that are unrealistic and damaging to women. And yet, I can’t help being affected by them, even though I pretend I’m not.

I know that I look great, and I definitely feel great. Now, it’s about actually believing that I look great the way I am, whether I’m 100 pounds, 120 pounds, or 200+ pounds. It shouldn’t matter, and I hate that it does.

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  1. Nadia WestNo Gravatar
    Posted April 8, 2011 at 8:38 pm | Permalink

    I know what you mean about ridiculous patriarchal standards – I’m coming at it from the other direction. I’ve lost a lot of weight over the past year and fit into a size 14 – the size that overlaps the “regular” sizes and the “plus” sizes. And I was horrified to realize that somehow being a 14 (no longer a 16, 18 or 20) made me feel “ok.” And it’s truly not that I wasn’t just dandy before, but those stupid standards constantly told me that if I shop at Lane Bryant I’m not quite “normal.” And now I’m on the edge of “normal.” And I think it’s sad that I feel like this.

    I’ve been going through a lot of trying to adjust to my new body. I like it, but it feels so foreign that it’s hard to deal with sometimes. Gradually, I’m getting used to the new and appreciating it, but it has taken a few months.

  2. VanillaKinksNo Gravatar
    Posted April 9, 2011 at 8:53 am | Permalink

    You’re a beautiful, magical woman no matter your weight!

    All women are!!

    Go find that body confidence. I know you have it!

  3. SkyddsDrakeNo Gravatar
    Posted April 9, 2011 at 11:38 am | Permalink

    Sometimes I wonder if it isn’t the way clothes are made that encourages me to hate my body. I think if I could just walk around stark naked all the time, I’d feel better. Instead, I have to try to find clothes that are made to fit one part of me, but not another. I really think the secret to feeling comfortable with gaining weight (Go you! Awesome achievement!), is finding a good tailor.

  4. SaNo Gravatar
    Posted April 10, 2011 at 8:07 am | Permalink

    I love how candidly you write about your struggles. It’s inspiring.

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