Jesus has been amazing in maintaining his sobriety from heroin. He’s done a better job than I ever expected him to do. After I gave him the ultimatum at the end of November that he stops using or he loses me, his heroin addiction has been a non-existent worry. He got a Suboxone prescription and was doing great. I know that it’s never that simple, but I wanted to believe it would be that simple. I wanted to believe that our case would be different, that he’d be able to just decide to stop using and we’d never have to worry about it again. To put it simply, I was willingly living in my ignorant bliss.

And so, when he confessed to me the other night that he’d slipped up a couple weeks ago, I felt like I’d been blindsided. I hadn’t seen it coming. We just moved in together. I’m preparing to spend my life with this man. But I should have seen it coming. I work with addicts on a daily basis. It’s my job. But then again, this isn’t my job. This is my life.

He said that he had been afraid to tell me because he thought I’d be angry. But I’m not angry. He said that he had been afraid to tell me because he thought I’d be disappointed. But I’m not disappointed. I’m fucking scared. I’m scared because I just moved in with this man. I’m scared because I plan on marrying this man. I’m scared because I love this man, and I don’t want to lose him to this drug.

When I asked him why he stopped using, he said because of me. He didn’t want to lose me. That wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear that he stopped because he realized that he was done with the shit. I wanted to hear that he stopped because he didn’t like the way it made him feel. I don’t want to be the reason that he stops using, because I worry then that it won’t last. That when we have problems, he’ll have no reason to abstain anymore. I worry that it means that he’s not really done with it, that he still has another run in him.

But I have to acknowledge the fact that he came clean to me. He told me. He only used for a few days before stopping. And I’m grateful for those things. And at the same time, I’m angry that he hid it from me for two weeks, letting me move in with him right after he’d relapsed. I feel like that is something I have the right to be aware of so that I can be fully prepared to make the huge decision I was about to make. I’m angry that he didn’t call me when he was about to use, so that we could talk about it and maybe he would have stopped himself. There are so many things going through my head, and I’m just trying to process them all.

I can work with someone that is willing to be upfront and honest with me about his addiction and his slip ups. We can work, and I know that. We will work, and I believe that. But it still doesn’t change the fact that I’m fucking scared.

This entry was posted in Relationships, Self Medication, Soul Searching and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.


  1. tonya cinnamonNo Gravatar
    Posted April 10, 2011 at 2:57 pm | Permalink

    trust is a fragile thing but love is stronger .Take both and it will give you the strength to make it… give you hugs chicka

  2. Another Suburban MomNo Gravatar
    Posted April 10, 2011 at 4:22 pm | Permalink

    I am really rooting for the two of you, but I know that addiction is strong, but hopefully Jesus can finally overcome it.

    Sending hugs to you both.

  3. SaNo Gravatar
    Posted April 11, 2011 at 5:23 am | Permalink

    You are right to be angry. Moving in with someone is a huge step. You should know where your boyfriend is standing as regards to drugs. This is not a scandalous request. I hope your trust in each other continues.

  4. Snazzy ANo Gravatar
    Posted April 11, 2011 at 5:14 pm | Permalink

    That’s the problem with the ultimatum you gave him. He did stop because of you, not because he wanted to.

    I’m not saying he didn’t want to quit and just hadn’t found the strength to yet. I’m just saying at the moment, what made him quite was because you threatened him with something he couldn’t stand to lose. That shows he loves you more than he loves the drug but it doesn’t change the fact that he quit right then because of you, not because he was ready to walk away for him.

    I’m not trying to criticize, just trying to offer a different perspective. I’ve been clean 6 years and it took 3 years before I stopped having to fight the urge to turn to a substance when my emotions got the best of me.

    Your fear is legitimate but I hope for the both of you his relapse was only a small bump in the road on his way to recovery. I know you’re strong and will give him the tough support he needs through this ordeal. Best of luck to both of you.

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  1. By Reminders on April 12, 2011 at 12:03 am

    [...] Jesus’ confession the other night, I asked if we could keep Narcan in the house. I’ve got it in the bathroom [...]

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