Maybe One Day I’ll Be More Than Just Sex To Someone

If I had a nickel for every person that’s told me that I’m “fun,” but “not the kind of girl you bring home to your mother,” I’d have quite a few nickels. And honestly, I think that’s one of the meanest things you can say to someone. It’s like a punch in the gut. “I like fucking you and all, but if you think this is going anywhere, you’re sadly mistaken.” And apparently, when I’m gone, the only thing there is to miss about me is the sex.

The other night, I received two random texts at ungodly hours from different exes. One wanted to have Skype sex with me (um, no), and this is after he reconnected with me randomly and has only contacted me to say lewd things after 1 AM (“Do you squirt?” “Did the guy you slept with make you cum?” “Can I see your tits?” Duh, none of your business, and no). The other “misses my mouth.” As much as sex is a big part of my life and my relationships, it saddens me to know how many people see me (and our relationship) as just that. Only that.

I’m so much more than that. There’s so much more of me to miss, and I hope that one day, someone will realize that.

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  1. SaNo Gravatar
    Posted September 25, 2010 at 3:32 am | Permalink

    I’m sorry. Maybe it’s because you are very confident sexually, which is uncommon? I think that a lot of people find it easy to categorise women as either confident and sluttish or shy and virtuous. Most of the people I know don’t, though!

  2. LalaNo Gravatar
    Posted September 25, 2010 at 4:22 am | Permalink

    As long as I have been reading your blog I have realized you are a strong person, who has gone through many bad experiencies. I know I maybe noone you care what she says but I have felth (while reading) soooooooooo many good things about you, not just sex. And I am sure you will find someone (or more people) who also will see what we see, and then you will forget about all those who say such unnecessary words. Nah, they are not worth you!

  3. KeenacatNo Gravatar
    Posted September 25, 2010 at 4:34 am | Permalink

    In fact, I always felt the (not so) hidden meaning of this trope was:
    “Hey, I enjoy you being a sex-crazed maniac in bed, but I don’t believe you can behave like a decent person in front of other peoples moms. You’d probably show her your tits or something.” FUCK THAT! Somebody who says that doesn’t accept you as a person.
    Should be the dead end for further anything.

  4. DeandraNo Gravatar
    Posted September 25, 2010 at 9:19 am | Permalink

    Then maybe you shouldn’t sleep with people so quickly. Slow it down and make them get to really know you before you jump into bed with them. I’m sure you let them get to know quite a bit about you but there’s no denying you sleep with new people quickly. There’s nothing wrong with that but it’s often not the way to build a lasting relationship with both parties caring more about each other than they do the sex. There’s nothing at all wrong with enjoying sex but if they don’t really know you and what makes you so wonderful, how do you expect them to miss more than what they think there is?

    • Britni TheVadgeWigNo Gravatar
      Posted September 25, 2010 at 5:13 pm | Permalink

      The people I’m talking about all dated me for over a year, so I don’t think the problem was sleeping with them too quickly or not giving them a chance to get to know me.

      • twgNo Gravatar
        Posted September 25, 2010 at 9:03 pm | Permalink

        You can wait. My friend did. Two months, she just dated a guy. Then, finally they slept together. And guess what? He didn’t call her again.

        The first guy I slept with, we were together over a year. And he dumped me a couple months later by *not returning my calls*.

        Takes all kinds.

      • KeenacatNo Gravatar
        Posted September 26, 2010 at 4:40 am | Permalink

        Makes it even worse. :/
        But then, you’ll find somebody eventually.

    • SkyddsDrakeNo Gravatar
      Posted September 26, 2010 at 10:14 am | Permalink

      I slept with my husband the first evening we met. No one has ever known or understood me better. No one has ever appreciated me the way he does. Hate to say it, Deandra, but I think your logic is flawed. It’s a matter of the person. If they’re right for you, they’re right for you.

      Britni – I haven’t really gathered from you blog whether you’re a “it’ll happen when it happens” kind of person. However, I HAVE gathered that you’ve had a rough time for quite some time, you’re really busy getting things in gear and on track in Boston (glad to hear that seems to be going super swell), and maybe now just isn’t the time for “that one” to step into your life? It’ll happen. Gods know it just takes a bit longer for some of us than others! Ugh… I can see how you’d be so disheartened with messages like that coming your way, though. Worst part is? They probably don’t even grasp the message they’re actually sending when they say those things.

  5. Chronicles of a CosmNo Gravatar
    Posted September 25, 2010 at 9:35 am | Permalink

    Ugh. I’ve kind of had that happen with a previous relationship. Because I was up front about my sexuality–what I liked and wanted, I was dumped because I was obviously a sex crazed fiend. Headdesk.

  6. twgNo Gravatar
    Posted September 25, 2010 at 9:59 am | Permalink

    If my mom can put up with Brad for two years, there are just no excuses for anyone else :)

    But I know what you mean. And that is an awful thing to say to someone, and IMHO good enough reason to never fuck them again.

  7. SkijNo Gravatar
    Posted September 25, 2010 at 10:23 am | Permalink

    I would miss you for a lot more than that if you disappeared out of my daily blog reads. :)

  8. EveNo Gravatar
    Posted September 25, 2010 at 2:51 pm | Permalink

    Then what kind of girl does one take home to one’s mother? The kind you dont’ want to sleep with? I mean, any person you sleep with is engaging in exactly the same types of activities you are by virtue of DOING THEM WITH YOU. Does that make them the sort of person they wouldn’t bring home to their own mother? No! Because, generally, people aren’t bringing their bedroom activities home to their parents. They’re bringing home company and conversation. If they are capable of doing “fun” things with you in private and still spending quality time with their parents, there’s no good reason why that shouldn’t be equally true of you if you’re someone they care about. In short, anyone who says that is a jerk.

    I know my knowledge of you is limited, but based on your writings, you seem to be an intelligent and engaging person. Why is it so hard for people to reconcile that with the idea of a woman being uninhibited about sex?

  9. RedNo Gravatar
    Posted September 26, 2010 at 4:31 am | Permalink

    You know I love ya, and you know I agree that there’s no such thing as “sleeping with someone too quickly” (I slept with my boifriend the second day I knew him in person/fourth day I knew him/after our first date) and we’ve been together in a healthy & happy relationship for almost a year now. So…that’s not it. I think it just might be the guys you choose. You said yourself that you have an affinity for partners with addictive personalities and problems (past or current) with addiction. People in the midst of either their recovery or their addiction cannot connect emotionally to another person in a healthy/productive manner. You know that. It’s not that they don’t miss other things about you; they just aren’t capable of accessing those emotions due to their disease.

    You admit to your White Knight syndrome. How about next time, finding a person you can be equal partners to instead of trying to save? You’ll feel loved, safe, protected, appreciated as well as being able to provide those feelings to (and having those feelings be felt by) your partner.

    BTW, as others have said, you’re way more than awesome booty. I know you know that. :) Don’t let any exes make you feel less than; those peeps are exes for a reason.

  10. AprilNo Gravatar
    Posted September 26, 2010 at 9:09 am | Permalink

    I dated this guy once for a few months. We had amazing, mind-blowing sex together. His 30th birthday was approaching and he sat me down and told me we needed to talk. He said, “I’m about to turn 30. Most of my friends are married, having children and are serious about their lives. I feel like I should be heading down that path as well. So, I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to see each other anymore.” I asked, “Why?” He said, “Because I need to find a girl that my parents would approve of.” Of course I was very offended. “And how do you know your parents wouldn’t approve of me?” He said, “Because you’re a freak in bed.” (with a big smile on his face) I replied, “Oh yes, that’s right! I forgot that if I were to meet your parents, I would just spill my guts about how much I like you to fuck my ass, tie me up, gag me, choke me and tell me what a whore I am! Any respectable girl would keep those comments to herself!” Then I immediately left.

    Sometimes it seems like a double-edged sword when trying to figure out men. They want a girl that’s going to give them great sex but then if you do, they put you into a category of “not parent worthy”. Then if you give them vanilla sex, they put you into a category of “boring”.

    That guy I mentioned above met a girl, married her 6 months later and is miserable. He emailed me on the day of his wedding saying, “I’m thinking about you.” He emailed me on his honeymoon saying, “I really wish this was you laying next to me.” I didn’t reply to either of those emails. A few months later I wrote him this long email explaining why I was so mad at him. I asked him why me being good in bed automatically removed me from the “parent approval” category. I told him that was absolute absurd because even though I’m good in bed (according to him), I’m still smart, funny, caring and most definitely presentable to anyone’s parents. He replied back to me and told me that I am absolutely all of those things and he was 100% wrong to think otherwise. He claimed to regret ever thinking that I wasn’t.

    Oh well, his loss.

  11. AprilNo Gravatar
    Posted September 26, 2010 at 9:19 am | Permalink

    I should add that I wasn’t talking about ALL men.

  12. Miss MagentaNo Gravatar
    Posted September 26, 2010 at 12:22 pm | Permalink

    Hey there- I know it seems like utter bullshit when someone says ‘Oh, I know how you feel’ but I genuinely know how you feel. I get the same shit spouted back to me and it never feels any less hurtful no matter how many times you hear it. Following in the same vein as Sa, its like there’s this barrier between liking sex and behaving yourself in front of the parentals- what, do they think you’re going to spill the intimate details of your sex life at the dining room table do they? It’s this kind of shit that shows how frickin backward and (in a lot of ways) sexist some guys still are; if a woman likes to grind then oh, she just *has* to be a whore 24/7 right?

    While I don’t comment much, from what I have read of your blog Britni shows that you’re intelligent and a strong soul. There’s someone out there for all of us but unfortunately there are a lot of fucking losers out there. Don’t give up hope- you’ll find them in amongst these shitheads.

    xx MM

    P.s: My inner teen-movie-fetishist thought of the most immature and hilairous way to get R.E.V.E.N.G.E if they won’t give you R.E.S.P.E.C.T- send them a gym sock with “Introduce THIS to your mum, arsehole :) ”. So stupid but hahahahahahah!

  13. she hates meNo Gravatar
    Posted September 26, 2010 at 3:21 pm | Permalink

    sex is…..
    sweat, hormones, drool, smiles….

    love is….
    being able to have a serious conversation with someone while taking a poop with the door open.

  14. MissMarNo Gravatar
    Posted September 27, 2010 at 12:09 am | Permalink

    Oh god, I could have used this post two weeks ago and again a few days ago. I had this same thing pulled on me by two different males. One only comes around for sex and makes sure I am not thinking this is going anywhere by falling off of the face of the earth before popping up a month later to try and get me to sex him up at his convenience. The second, let me know, ‘Honestly, I am attracted to you physically and I would not mind fucking but you are not ‘datable’ material’. Thankfully, I let the second guy know he looks too awkward looking to even be more than a one night stand. Still, it really frustrates when you hear that you are only good for the sex and not to go beyond the bedroom.

    Thank you for this post because it makes me resolved to find better people who appreciate you for more than a roll in the hay.

  15. JaspyneNo Gravatar
    Posted September 30, 2010 at 2:07 pm | Permalink

    Took me a long time to find the right guy who accepted me for who I am, and that included one broken engagement. I broke up with him because as soon as the ring was on my finger he became a whole different person and the sex stopped. It’s a weird thing with guys, the Madonna/Whore complex. Like their mom’s have some kind of x-ray vision and can see inside your panties ?

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