Afraid of Men

This postcard from this week’s Sunday Secrets on Postsecret reminded me very much of my ex-girlfriend.

That isn’t to say that she didn’t love me. Or that she still doesn’t. It doesn’t invalidate our relationship, or take anything away from the connection that we had. And still have. However, sometimes I wondered if she gravitated towards women because of her history with me. She’d been molested, raped, abused, and hurt by almost every man she’d ever known. Sometimes I think that I was a “safe” person for her, and one that didn’t hurt her and she knew wouldn’t hurt her. I would never hurt her. In fact, I’ve hurt other people in defense of her. She’s done the same in defense of me. I’d kill for that girl. But our relationship was always based more off an emotional connection than a physical one, at least on her part.

And so, the question still remains sometimes. How much does she really like women versus how much she hates men? And the other question that remains is, does it really matter?

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  1. SaNo Gravatar
    Posted August 17, 2010 at 1:08 pm | Permalink

    I think this is an interesting question. I can’t speak for your friend, but I definitely see traces of reaction to abuse in my sister, who identifies as bi. She feels less threatened by women’s bodies.

  2. EveNo Gravatar
    Posted August 18, 2010 at 12:42 pm | Permalink

    That sounds rather similar to the relationship I had with my ex-girlfriend (more of an emotional than physical connection). Except she had no history of abuse and no hatred or fear of men. She also identified as straight. The comparison suggests to me that perhaps your ex-girlfiriend would have been more interested in men if it weren’t for her history of abuse. But I don’t think it does matter, ultimately. Even straight people sometimes are attracted to or fall in love with people of the same gender (like my ex), and maybe she still would have even without that fear of men. The only thing that truly matters here is what DID happen. Still, it can be hard not to wonder about it. I know I do.

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