I Loved A Girl Once

I loved a girl once. Her name began with the letter ‘L.’ She had red hair and green eyes. She was obsessed with Hello Kitty and always wore eye makeup with glitter in it. She was the first girl I had ever met that wore 4 inch heels everywhere. Maybe that’s why I decided I wanted to, too. Her style was like mine, but girlier, and pinker. She smelled like cotton candy and loved her cats. She made me laugh harder than anyone I’ve ever met. We’d skip class together to go drinking at the pub. She introduced me to cocaine, and I learned what it meant to love someone that you couldn’t save. And she was amazing.

She walked into my class that first day, and I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She was beautiful, in just jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. We were randomly paired into the same group, and she audibly said, “Yes!” when her name and mine were said together. I didn’t know why, but my heart jumped. Our first conversation was about strap-ons and boys with tattoos. Our next found us making plans to drink before class, since we both had the same break. And so, three days a week, that became our routine. Lunch and drinks at the pub before class. And then came our field trip to the museum. We decided to drink before that, too, but at my place. We never did make it to that field trip.

Four hours later we were giddy, giggly, and drunk. “I have a secret,” she whispered across my empty apartment. “I like you!” My heart sung. “I like you, too!” We giggled more, and had another glass of wine. She kissed me, then, and my world was changed. I had a boyfriend, and so, I stopped her. All night, though, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. The end of the night found me calling my boyfriend and breaking up with him, so that I could fuck her without guilt. Waking up next to her, my pillow smelling like cotton candy, was heaven. I was happy. Valentine’s Day was that next week. I asked her what she wanted, and she simply said, “Pink champagne.” I bought five bottles.

But she was not an easy girl to love. She was flaky. Moody. Difficult. Bulimic. A substance abuser. Manipulator. Self-mutilator. But I didn’t care. She was also funny, passionate, sexy, deep, effervescent, crazy, and like sunshine to me. She lit up a room when she walked into it. My life was better because she was part of it. She was also borderline. Luckily, I knew what that was, and how to handle it. And so, our relationship lasted longer than most relationships that borderlines have, because I didn’t fall for her shit. I let her get away with nothing. And she loved me more for it, even though she hated me in the moment.

We had a falling out over something stupid. I lived in Florida, and could do nothing to fix it. I cried for months. I felt like part of me had died. She emailed me recently, after almost 3 years of silence. “I just want you to know that I loved you very much, and I still think about you every day.” My heart smiled, and so did I. We’re both in different places now, and living life without each other. But that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think of her at least once.

I loved a girl once. And I still do, very much. Even though we’re probably not meant to be, that’s okay. I’m happy where I’m at. But I loved her once, and I love her still. Because that’s how true love works.