You don’t have the right to touch my body without my consent. How many times do I have to fucking tell you that? There’s a reason I don’t go to clubs. It’s because I can’t walk through a crowd without someone grabbing my ass or touching me, and I don’t handle that well. In fact, I tend to turn around, tell them they’re sexually assaulting me, and they don’t take it very well. Things usually end poorly. But last night was my friend’s birthday and she wanted to go to a club. So we went.
The night started out well. Good food. Drinks. Dancing. At one point I was dancing with a guy, and I felt what I thought was an erection against me. I shrugged it off, but as we continued dancing, it became very clear that it was, indeed, an erection, and now he was rubbing it on me. I went up to my friends, who were talking to the DJ, and told them that I wanted to leave NOW. Through no fault of their own, between the drinks and the loud music, they didn’t understand just how urgently I wanted to get out of that place. I went up to the bar to pay all of our tabs, just to get us out of there, and Boner Guy came up behind me and full on tried to penetrate me under my dress.
I got the FUCK out of there, and my friends, realizing that I was missing, came outside to find me. I was sobbing. What the FUCK gives someone the right to touch my body? NOTHING. NOTHING GIVES ANYONE THE RIGHT TO TOUCH MY BODY. It’s MY body. But people don’t seem to fucking realize that. So many guys feel like they can take whatever they want from women. But NEWSFLASH: my body belongs to me. NOT YOU. And unfortunately, that’s one of those crimes that I have no proof of, and can’t report to the police. My friend went back in and got him kicked out when she told the DJ what had happened, but beyond that, what can we really do?
I woke up this morning still able to smell that man on me, and I felt sick. I live my life in constant fear of being sexually assaulted and touched without my permission, and there’s clearly a good reason that I’m afraid of that. Because it happens. Every single day, to more women than you know.
I'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
Good Vibes 
79 Comments
That is so, so, so horrible. *hug*. And I totally agree. *another hug*
*hugs* OMG That must have been terrible! It IS your body and he had no right to do that to you! You should’ve given him a bloody nose or kicked him in the crotch!
Don’t take any shit from anyone. You don’t deserve it.
*hugs*
Absolutely awful. Most men don’t even think that it can be considered sexual assault because, hell, they’ve got their clothes on. And most women don’t realize it either. They just walk away, which gives guys permission to do this to someone else.
Unfortunately, your friends were probably too drunk to understand what the hell was going on (been there, had that happen). But you got yourself out of a bad situation.
Next time, just tell your friend that you want to celebrate her bday with her, but clubs are off limits and if she still wants to go, you’ll hook up with her before hand for dinner and drinks or after for greasy food and gossip.
that’s terrible! i had a similar (well, nowhere near that bad) experience at a club. this guy was rubbing all over me and i tried to move away. then he spilled his drink all over me and I told him to apologize and get the fuck away. he wasn’t phased by it and kept being creepy. my friends were appalled, and then found out that he was “a friend of a friend” or something, so they dismissed it. I said I wanted to get away and they were like, “no, it’s ok, he’s so-and-so’s friend.” why would that make it ok?? I got out of there and was crying outside until my friend found me. I guess something about the close proximity to everyone, the loud music, the drinking, etc. makes guys think it’s ok to rub all over girls. ugh. I’m so sorry this happened to you! The worst part is it made me feel guilty and ashamed, despite the fact I did nothing wrong.
I always used to tell myself that if anything like this ever happened to me, I’d deck the guy or scream really loud. But when it did happen, all I could manage was to run away. I’m so sorry and I hope you’re feeling even a tiny bit better.
I tell myself this all the time. I even carry a knife with me in case something bad does happen. The sad thing is (besides the fact that I even feel the need to carry a knife with me for something as simple as going for a walk), I know I wouldn’t be able to use it. I’d just try to get away as fast as possible and then cry.
This sucks and is one of the reasons I don’t go to clubs. I swear I’m like an old married person, but I don’t like being touched by people I don’t know. I like to have my space. If Ryan ever left me I’d probably be single forever cause there’s no way I could deal with that type of shit.
The thing that worries me was at the end when you said, “I live my life in constant fear of being sexually assaulted and touched without my permission, and there’s clearly a good reason that I’m afraid of that.” I know what happened at the sexual assault treatment place, but I really hope you find the help you need. Cause it’s not healthy or right to have to live that way and it doesn’t have to be like that.
Ugh
And:
“I live my life in constant fear of being sexually assaulted and touched without my permission, and there’s clearly a good reason that I’m afraid of that. Because it happens. Every single day, to more women than you know.”
This.
I’m so sorry that you had to deal with that. People like that guy make me sick.
I can’t believe the amount of this I put up with when I was under 25. I would never let someone do that now. Ugh. How does anyone think that’s appropriate, btw? Gross.
Fuck, I’m so sorry (and enraged) you had to go through that shit. I hate that fucking shit. Hate it. I hate that I can’t go to street festivals or clubs without what’s basically family bodyguards so I don’t get pinched/fondled/whatever. I hate assholes that think it’s fine and dandy to invade my personal space and touch me without fucking permission. Once, I was listening to some metal bands at a bar and it was one of my cousin’s friend (who was also a student from the same department, natural sciences, as me and Mr.B) rubbing himself on me while I tried to escape all throughout the place. No one did anything. I ended up escaping to the bathroom and the motherfucking asshole followed me there and started insinuating himself. Thankfully I had a fish gutting knife with me and took it out on him and he went away. But I don’t want to think what would have happened otherwise, or what that preppy-looking asshole has done to other women.
Last time I saw the jerk that assaulted me he was a biology grad student at UPenn doing outreach at the same time I was doing so back home. I saw his smirking face and all I wanted was to punch/kick the bastard until there was only a pulpy mess left. And maybe kick him some more.
“I live my life in constant fear of being sexually assaulted and touched without my permission, and there’s clearly a good reason that I’m afraid of that. Because it happens. Every single day, to more women than you know.”
This. And so much so that it is one of the reasons I rarely go out and have a vast arrangement of things I can use as weapons. Am I over-doing it? Maybe. But I rather be overdoing it than not, and even if I do there’s no guarantee my efforts would be effective.
Sucks. Totally.
But, really, not much different than that dude on Real Life not wanting to be kissed on the neck by some other dude.
If we expect respect for ourselves and our bodies and our space, we need to GIVE the same respect. Just cuz dude was an asshole doesn’t mean someone had the right to touch him without permission – any more so than the way you look, were dressed or where you were gave this dude the right to touch you.
Can’t have it both ways.
Humping and trying to penetrate someone without their consent is hardly the same in magnitude that kissing someone on the neck without their consent.
In addition, no one here is implying that men are not entitled to ownership of their own bodies, that men’s boundaries shouldn’t be respected, or that people of any gender should assume that a man’s consent is implicit.
I don’t know where your dismissive, flippant “can’t have it both ways” comment is coming from, either.
*blink*
Seriously? Sure, there are levels but ANY touching that is not consented to is just as wrong. Saying a kiss is not like humping is the same as telling Britni that humping isn’t as bad as… whatever.
My attitude comes from this post http://britisshameless.com/2010/07/the-real-douche/ that Britni wrote, where the asshole from the Real World was “a homophobe” for not wanting to be touched inappropriately.
You cannot have it both ways. It’s either all wrong or not wrong, not somewhere in between dependent upon who the victim is.
Just because I didn’t address it directly in the post does not mean that I condone inappropriate touching, regardless of who the victim is. Where in that post to I excuse the behavior or say that it’s okay? I don’t. I just fail to address it, which I’ll admit I should have.
But seriously? This condescending bullshit is highly inappropriate and hurtful on this post. Disagree with me on any post you want, but please, don’t do it on a post where I’m talking about attempted rape just the night before.
Well, I KNOW I’ve heard you say something along the lines of “Not addressing it is the same as being an apologist, because you’re letting the real issues be swapped for trivial ones”. Something like that, anyway.
The point is that you can dedicate a whole post towards how wrong it is to happen to girls, yet have this whole other post where you choose to vilify this guy and ignore the fact that part of the vilification stemmed towards someone else, part the events which came from their own harassment.
It is often the viewss which are left under the surface which are actually most apparently in a broad understanding of a piece(s) of writing such as your blog – most people cannot remember exact sentences you said, but they can remember you ranting at a male who was sexually harassed and then contribute whole posts to how horrible it is when it happens to women. That is hardly condescending, merely an observation.
Also, not every man is a potential rapist, and thinking in these terms is far worse than saying “people who try to give a little bit of healthy, sane advice to women about how best to avoid dangerous situations are the ones in the wrong”. The latter is simply advice based on general practicality, whereas the first is an unfounded, huge assumption about 50% of the human race. It is still only the evil, dickheaded people without a proper moral conscience that commit crime. Let’s not think of all men in this light – even potentially.
I’m going to nicely ask you to stop commenting on my blog. From here on out, any comment of yours will be deleted. I don’t mind disagreement, but every comment you leave is with the intention of calling me out, and you’re never supportive of anything, including of me when I’ve just been sexually assaulted. This was not the post to call me out on, and therefore, is the last straw for me.
It is all wrong. But saying kissing someone without their consent is the same as trying to penetrate someone without their consent is like saying shoplifting is the same as armed robbery. It’s ludicrous.
And I can’t believe you actually used a post in which someone talks about nearly being raped the night before to argue with her over this.
Sexual assault is all bad, but kissing on the neck and attempted penetration are sort of… different. Really.
And are you seriously using a post in which someone talks about how she was sexually assaulted the night before to berate her for her opinion in another post? SERIOUSLY?
Classy.
Berate? No. Just point out that it doesn’t go both ways. It’s unfair to dismiss any person’s concerns about inappropriate touching and we should all remember that.
But it is perfectly fair to come into someone’s blog the night after she’s been sexually assaulted and lecture her in the post where she talks about the assault?
*shrug*
If that’s how you want to look at it. My point was simply that it happens to men, too and is even more often brushed off as irrational when they complain about it.
It happens to PEOPLE every day, not just women. And every instance, to every person, is just as valid – even if they’re a homophobe, even if they’re a jerk, even if they’re a slut, even if they’re drunk.
It happened to Brit last night. And you are using her post about it to try to make some point on her back.
“Even if they’re a slut?” What exactly is a “slut”?
Perhaps, if it’s the wrong time and place to argue, we should continue discussing at another time.
It’s no more right for you to keep harping than it is for me.
“It’s no more right for you to keep harping than it is for me.”
I did not come on this blog and “harp” at someone who had just been sexually assaulted. You are pretending an equivalency that does not exist.
I am perfectly fine with you ending this conversation. I will simply have to live with my curiosity about what you meant by the term “slut”.
This is why putting the onus of “no” on women will never work. As discussed in another post on your blog, decent people see the default state of others as “no”, and don’t go ahead until they hear “yes”, and keep hearing it.
I’m sorry this happened.
““I live my life in constant fear of being sexually assaulted and touched without my permission, and there’s clearly a good reason that I’m afraid of that. Because it happens. Every single day, to more women than you know.”
And that’s just another reason why I rarely go out.
Hey Carrie Ann, don’t you have a cancer patient to harass or something? You are the most insensitive bitch I have ever come across. You always like to wade in to shit when people are wounded. You be representing.
Quoted for truth….
Let me get this straight, Carrie Ann. You were trying to be provocative and annoying, or at least definitely knew what you said was going to provoke and annoy. People were subsequently provoked and annoyed. And now you’re all butthurt that people are telling you that you accomplished your goal and think you’re a troll.
Why? You got the reaction you were looking for. Shouldn’t you just rest on your laurels and consider it a job well done?
Britni, I’m so sorry this happened to you.
oh god shut the fuck up.
very bold statement for a gutless cunt that wont leave their name, contact details or web address
Shutting the fuck up is what allows rape culture to flourish. Which would be, I’d guess, why you want Britni to shut the fuck up. Good girls keep their mouths shut and let men do whatever they want to them, right?
You’re right. It IS your body. And NO ONE has the right to touch you without your consent. I’m so very sorry you had to go through this sweetie. *Hugs* Seriously? I would’ve decked him for you. Fucking bastard.
*sigh and a hug* Brit i’m sorry this happened to you. HAS happened to you. But more….I hate that you, and other girls your age, live in fear. You don’t go out because you think this will happen. THAT is the part that’s unfuckingacceptable and it’s sad that you girls have to feel that way. I know, we can think tough in our heads like Ghouldilocks but if you can’t do it when the time comes….then maybe you need help. Help in the form of a few really good self-defense classes. Get the skills and the confidence that YOU can protect yourself. I don’t care that you’re teeny and he might have been twice your size. Martial-arts-based defense training doesn’t care about size. Please hon, don’t let these creeps rule your life.
I hope that didn’t come across wrong. I’m not minimizing what happened and how you feel about it. I’m not saying you did anything to “deserve” it.
You can’t change the assholes. You can’t go live in a place where this will never happen. You shouldn’t ever hand your life over to this fear…..but you can change you. You can take these classes and practice and gain your confidence and know that if any poor fool messes with you? He’s goin down. By your hand.
You can’t change the assholes. You can’t go live in a place where this will never happen. You shouldn’t ever hand your life over to this fear…..but you can change you.
Glad someone shares my opinion. In the country I came from that would be normal, if cops come while you are beating someone for sexual assault they most likely will just help you (beating the guy). In America assault works both ways, so it’s probably a wise idea to leave it as a last resort, but if everything else fails — why not. Or just pepper spray motherfucker, so he remembers it:
http://www.milestonesafety.com/pepper-spray-information.html#legal
I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s for this very reason I don’t go to clubs or bars, and never would without my hubby protection.
And guys I’m sorry but this arguing is really insensitive in my opinion. I’m sure Britini is upset enough with what happen to her she doesn’t need that crap.
I am incredibly sorry you had to go through all of this. I hope that you are taking care of yourself and trying not to let the online drama break you down. *hugs*
I’m a bit behind on my reader list and only just got to this post yesterday. I don’t understand why anyone would blame you for what happened. Any female who has ever been to a hetero dance club has been assaulted by an erection being rubbed on her while dancing. That is never cool and I don’t know why guys think that that’s ok. But what he did is absolutely unforgivable. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. And I’m so sorry that other people won’t just give you the support that you need and deserve.
You should learn about guy’s mind a bit more — your life would be easier. First of all why do single guys go to clubs? To find a sex partner of course. When you are dancing with a guy in a club he thinks you find him sexually attractive, so he moves closer to you.
If you don’t want to be intimate with him, stop him right there. Just plain tell him “keep your distance” or “don’t touch me”. If he continues to get into your comfort zone, tell him “I’m not interested in you, find someone else”, don’t wait until the “rubbing” part. If you don’t stop a guy he thinks it’s OK to move closer, how is he supposed to know that you are not interested to have sex with him if you tell him nothing?
I don’t say that guy in innocent, but don’t always blame the others in your problems, learn how to communicate with people properly (b*tch slap that motherf*cker, so he finally gets that he’s doing something wrong
otherwise you’ll be the one suffering.
Hey, thanks for the victim-blaming, asshole.
And no, I don’t need to “learn how guys’ minds work.” They need to learn to be respectful and that it’s not their place or right to grab and grind all over someone just becaues they happen to be in a club or dancing with him.
I never blamed you Britni, and I never defended a guy, he is a fucking animal in my opinion. But you should read and try to understand what people say instead of reading what you want to read (victim blaming blah-blah). I understand your devastation, but my point is that you can suffer all your life (and be right of course, there is nothing you did wrong) OR you learn how to deal with real people in the real world and prevent such situations from happening.
It’s not like there is a big brother watching for you and as soon as somebody breaks a law police comes and punishes him, laws are just words unless there’s someone actually enforcing them. You need to learn to watch out for yourself. It’s like walking on dark criminal streets and then complain than you were robbed. Of course it’s robber’s fault (you were just walking on a street, right?), but much better to avoid it in the first place.
I know that women very often seek only sympathy when they talk about stuff. And you do have my full sympathy. But men are problem solvers, so I just gave you a manly advise how to avoid these situations in the future.
Wow. You are offensive on multiple levels. Not only do you buy into and reinforce the idea that women need patriarchal protection of some kind but you ARE doing that whole blah-blah-victim-blaming thing. You seem to operate under the idea that just telling some guy to back off or hitting him will actually work. Sometimes it will. Other times it won’t and that person will go right on ahead and assault you. THAT is the real world. Britni walked away from the situation and tried to leave as soon as she could but she got assaulted anyway; but it’s still her fault because he’s a horned up guy who can’t control herself and she didn’t do enough of to stop it.
You talk about women and men in the most stereotypical ways possible. Not all men are wild, uncontrollable animals. To say that women in some way need to change their behavior because men ‘work a certain way’ is bullshit, and yes, victim-blaming.
We need to stop using sexual harassment and rape as a way to tut-tut women and their behavior and start putting the blame where it actually belongs: on the vile human beings who are assaulting and raping people.
you buy into and reinforce the idea that women need patriarchal protection of some kind
this is what I wrote above: “It’s NOT like there is a big brother watching for you”, “You need to learn to watch out for yourself” (I think I meant to “look after yourself”, English is my second language, sometimes I use wrong expressions). My point was that you should NEVER rely too much on protection from someone. Maybe I did not communicate it properly, but I never said that women NEED patriarchal protection although I see nothing wrong in a man protecting a woman. I protect my wife for example and I think it’s great that she does not need to worry about stupid things (like assholes touching her) I can take care of.
We need to stop using sexual harassment and rape as a way to tut-tut women and their behavior and start putting the blame where it actually belongs: on the vile human beings who are assaulting and raping people
I agreed with this point, from beginning, I don’t know why you tell it me one more time.
Sexual assault prevention tips guaranteed to work.
How about you learn a bit about how the mind of fucking predators work before writing self righteous, victim-blaming bullshit directed at someone who was recently assaulted?
Anyone that continues to sexually touch a person when the person has, first of all not given them permission, and on top of that clearly showed that they have no interest in pursuing any sort of sexual interaction with them is a sexual predator. And you know what? There’s plenty of peer-reviewed research about how their minds work, and plenty of places that discuss and explain such things to the laity. Also, there is such a thing as Pubmed.
You should probably read a bit before spouting uninformed, erroneous, not to mention ridiculously callous, nonsense.
http://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2009/11/12/meet-the-predators/
http://www2.ucsc.edu/rape-prevention/pdfs/PredatoryNature.pdf
http://www.publicintegrity.org/investigations/campus_assault/assets/pdf/Document5_Lisak_study.pdf
The guy was wrong, he broke a law, there is no Britni’s fault in it, she has a legal right to sue him. Anything changed after I said that? Will she gladly go to the club next time and have a good time there? What is more important for you — see him in jail or see her happy and free of fears?
The thing is that it doesn’t freaking matter if he was in a club!! Plenty of us have been harassed and assaulted in seemingly safe places, or during necessary mass transport, randomly at our work or study places… If the prescribed solution is to not go to places where we could be harassed we might as well lock ourselves in our houses and forgo the outside world.
Sexual harassment and sexual violence will continue to happen, no matter where we go, how we dress, how we present ourselves, how conservative we are, etc. As long as society focuses on the victims’ behaviors and motives instead of doing so to the perpetrators they will go on doing repeat offenses. Thanks to the “well she should have protected herself better” meme.
If the prescribed solution is to not go to places where we could be harassed we might as well lock ourselves in our houses and forgo the outside world.
There is no silver bullet, every case is unique. To tell guy to back off (just tell it the way that he understands that you are dead serious) is the simplest one which probably will work in most cases.
In my opinion to walk away silently is not a much better solution.
How many fucking times do we have to tell you that it freaking does not work that way? I mean, seriously, how obtuse can you be? Christ, I cannot even count anymore the amount of times telling some harassing/assaulting bastard to stop hasn’t worked. At all.
Saying that Brit should have asked for him to stop instead of going away is like saying that one should just ask a mugger to stop instead of trying to escape. Could it work? Probably, if the mugger wants it to. But obviously not in every case, and not for most sexual predators - which you would have known if you took the time to freaking read about the type of predatory behavior we are talking about and criminals that have it.
There’s enough research on this type of crime to understand this type of criminal behavior and give options on how to reduce its ubiquity in society.
Your poorly researched opinion has no basis on reality – it’s how you imagine reality to be and how you would react to the events going on in your imagination. In other words, it is useless and places the responsibility of the outcome of the events on the victim.
In my experience saying “get away from me,” even in a really serious tone, is read as you “joking” or something anyway! You can’t reason with a sociopath.
maybe he is not a sociopath, maybe he is just way too drunk to think clearly. Does not hurt to try.
I think you might be mildly retarded.
I feel so much desperation in you post, like there’s no solution to the problem. How about this:
you tell a guy to stop, if he does and continues his predatory behavior, you pepper spray him and then walk away, at least he will think next time before doing something like this.
And the mugger — tell him to fuck off, if he does not — shoot him (pepper spray may work as well).
I still think the very best way is to learn to avoid such situations from happening in the first place, if it did happen, be ready for some bold moves, otherwise you will live in fear all your life.
You really are that stupid. Wow. Look braniac, I’ve punched the motherfucking hell of assaulters more than in one occasion, I’ve screamed bloody murder to fend off a kidnapper, and threatened with gutting knives, mace, and huge guy friends other assaulters as well. Those facts do not erase the fact that I was still assaulted by those people.
What planet do you live on? No, seriously, what planet? I’d like to move there, because it sounds so much more reasonable than the real world.
Now might also be a good time to rehash the definition of mansplaining:
[w]hen a dude tells you, a woman, how to do something you already know how to do, or how you are wrong about something you are actually right about, or miscellaneous and inaccurate “facts” about something you know a hell of a lot more about than he does.
Ya know, like being sexually assaulted.
Ladies! All we have to do is tell attackers to STOP! It’s so very simple! How could we not have tried that?! Wow, thanks, mansplaining dude who surely has a superior knowledge of what he’s talking about! I’m sure NOT A SINGLE ONE OF US has tried that strategy before!!!
Oh man! All I needed was some dude to tell me that all I have to do is tell the guy to stop! NOW I KNOW HOW TO AVOID IT!
Because, you know, all that struggling and crying and yelling and stuff I was doing before as I was held down by neck and suffocated into a pillow clearly wasn’t enough.
questions?
Has every woman out the been sexually harrassed or assaulted?
What did they do to avoid the situation?
Did they say fuck off to the offender?
This is not vicitm blaming……
legitimate questions.
Now pounce on me all you want.
But if you can step outside the emotion and venom and answer the questions……
You might see a whole other side to this discussion.
The statistics say 1 in 4 women will be a victim.
As for the answers to your other two questions, when I was raped, I repeatedly said no, tried to get away, struggled, and cried until he forced my face into the pillow.
The first time I was sexually assaulted, a friend came into my room while I was asleep and took my pants down. I ran out when I woke up and realized.
The second time, I was followed into my bedroom at a party and pinned and tried to get up, but I could not. He was very strong, and had a hand over my mouth.
This time, I kept trying to move away, but the guy followed me. I tried to get out of the situation.
I don’t see any other side to this discussion, do you?
How do you “avoid” getting sexually harassed anyway? That happens to me every fucking day on the street.
Guess what? Even if a woman successfully fends off a predator and prevents him from intercourse, she still was sexually assaulted. And it still isn’t right or necessarily any less traumatic.
Also? You’re a douchebag victim blamer no matter how much you pretend that you’re just “asking questions” or trying to get past “emotion and venom”. Jackass.
Both of my assaults took place in a public area in the middle of the day. I was surrounded by people I knew in both instances. I told both of my attackers (different men, by the way) to fuck off in no uncertain terms, both before and after the assaults.
So, is the other side of this discussion that I’m supposed to be seeing that I shouldn’t have been out in the daytime? That by being outside in a public place during the day with friends that I was failing to protect myself adequately? Really?
I have been sexually assaulted. And you know what I was doing? Sitting at home, minding my own fucking business. Wearing a long dress. Sitting on a computer. NOT talking about sex or sex toys. Just chilling. And I got sexually assaulted. Even after I firmly and repeatedly told the guy to stop, he didn’t. So how do some women avoid getting sexually assaulted? Let me quote Melissa at Shakesville:
“Quite literally, the only thing a person can do to avoid being raped is never be in the same room as a rapist. Since they don’t announce themselves or wear signs or glow purple, that’s not a very reasonable expectation, is it?”
ok so 1 in 4 women will be raped/assaulted…. according to statistics….
I’d reallylove to see the questions asked in the data collection.
Reason I bring this up is… if 1 in 4 women will be raped/assaulted does that inversely mean that 1 in 4 men are rapists?
Or do 1 in 40 men rape 10 women in their lifetime?
And these men are never put up on charges?
Britni thank you for your calm response.
The other responses were like thoseof tea party or birther types who cant seem to have a rationale discussion.
One last question…… Did you call the police in regards to any of your assaults?
If not why not?
No, statistics show that it’s a small percentage of men that tend to assault over and over again. So it’s a small number of men doing the assaulting, but a large number of women being victimized (though I tend to think the number is higher than 1 in 4, because of underreporting). There’s a really good post about who the predators are here.
I did not go to the police because I had no case. The first two, I ran out before anything “bad” (not that being fingered while unconscious isn’t bad) happened, and the other time, someone opened my bedroom door before the guy was able to get my pants off. The guy in the club, I mean what proof do I have? It’s a club.
As for my rape, I’ve discussed in detail why I didn’t go to the police here. This is also a really good piece about why women don’t go to law enforcement.
And it’s not that no one can talk rationally about it, it’s just that a lot of us get frustrated because we live our lives every day dealing with this, and when someone tries to argue with us about something that we live every single day, it’s like being told that we don’t know what we’re talking about, or if we looked at it differently, we’d see that it could have been prevented, which just goes to reinforce the fact that WE were somehow responsible for what happened, whether it be because of how we acted or what we didn’t do (fight hard enough/scream loud enough).
Hey moron, I answered your questions. You, however didn’t answer mine.
Also, GUYS: THIS DUDE THINKS HE’S A LIBERAL!
you might be mildly retarded
You really are that stupid
I don’t know why are you attacking me personally instead of talking on a subject. Up to this point I was telling just my personal opinion, which is based on a common sense. Now I took some time to search for sexual assault prevention tips and there is only that much you can do. But the thing is that you should put an effort to prevent this from happening. There is nothing you can do to guarantee yourself safety, but telling a potential assaulter a solid “no” is one of the things which actually may help. The tips below are from here:
http://www.sexualassault.army.mil/prev_reduce_victim.cfm
1) state what you want
2) Remember: “No” means “No.” If you do not want to be intimate with another person, tell him or her clearly. Use a confident voice and body posture.
3) Match your body language to your words – don’t laugh and smile while saying “No.”
4) Do not just “go along” for the wrong reasons.
5) Watch out for warning signs or “red flags” from your partner in intimate situations.
Red Flags to Watch Out For
Gets angry or sulks if he or she doesn’t get what he or she wants
You should be especially alert if the person you are with:
1) Ignores, interrupts, or makes fun of you
2) Sits or stands too close to you or stares at you
3) Has a reputation for being a “player”
4) Drinks too much or uses drugs; tries to get you to use drugs or alcohol
5) Tries to touch or kiss you or gets into your “personal space” when you barely know him or her
6) Wants to be alone with you before getting to know you, or pressures you to be alone together
7) Does what he or she wants without asking what you want
9) Pressures you to have sex, or tries to make you feel guilty for saying “no.”
This is what happened last time someone linked me to “prevention tips”: http://britisshameless.com/2010/06/drunk-bitches-totes-deserve-to-be-raped/
Read the comments. You’ll save yourself the headache.
And you want sexual assault prevention tips guaranteed to work? Here: http://girlwpen.com/?p=1729
Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work!
1. Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behavior.
2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!
3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!
4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.
5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON’T ASSAULT THEM!
6. Remember, people go to laundry to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.
7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.
8. Always be honest with people! Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.
9. Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless they are awake!
10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone “on accident” you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.
And, ALWAYS REMEMBER: if you didn;t ask permission and then respect the answer the first time, you are committing a crime- no matter how “into it” others appear to be.
And now, I’m done engaging with you, because you’re clearly not listening to us AT ALL. You’re continuing to talk at us instead of hearing what we’re saying. Any comment from here on out will not be published, because this conversation is not getting anywhere.
Ah, the sweet sweet sound of placing responsibility where it should be!
I don’t think there’s any other appropriate reaction than to laugh at you at this point. You’re simply just repeating “information” other people have already posted. It has already been extensively discussed on this post and others on this blog why prevention tips is not particularly helpful. I can only conclude you a) are clueless and b) have not paid attention to anything anyone else has been saying. It’s kind of rude to jump in on a thread without reading the comments and discussion before you.
I’d also suggest watching this video: http://britisshameless.com/2010/06/rape-prevention-tips-and-victim-blaming/
Ivan and she hates me, why are you coming here asking these people to educate you? There is SO MUCH information out there, I would suggest that you educate yourself BEFORE entering a conversation about what is obviously going to be an emotionally difficult topic. If you wonder why we get so upset, it’s because you come here and ask us questions that could be easily answered if you spent 10 minutes reading wikipedia articles, and then, secondarily, you get all annoyed when we get upset.
Ivan, seriously, dude. These things you are saying? Every single person here has heard these things all the damn time since we were little girls. You telling them to us now is offensive and patronizing. Please stop.
she hates me, comparing the level of emotion here to Tea Partiers is incorrect, because Tea Party people make up statistics and lies and then foam at the mouth about them. These women here a. have personally experienced what they are talking about and, b. have read studies and reports and academic papers on the subject. You comparing us to irrational haters is patronizing and offensive. Please stop.
Ask yourselves, you two dudes, “What am I trying to get out of this conversation?” Because you are not going to get us to “calm down” and “just see another side.” The reason you are not going to be able to do this is not because we’re a bunch of unhinged harpies (though your reactions show that you surely would like to believe that we are), it’s because a. your questions have been asked and answered over 40 years of research (she hates me, if you want to know what questions are asked in such research why don’t you go look it up?), and b. because the topic is upsetting, and being told not to be emotional about it is even more upsetting.
Ivan, you have been told “no” many times now in this conversation. You have been told to shut up and go away. And you haven’t done these things. Much like a dude in a bar, you cannot take no for an answer, because you have what is called “male privilege” where you think everything you do is a-okay, and if people try to call you on it you say, “What? What? I was just talking!”
Instead of wondering why people here are offended by you, maybe ask yourself what YOU could be doing that is offensive.
And Britni, please block these people. Not allowing comments from shit-stirrers who can’t be bother to educate themselves is NOT the same as silencing dissent. Also, it’s your blog, and if you actually wanted to silence dissent, I’d be supportive of that, too. Because it’s YOUR body and YOUR mind and, yes, indeed, you SHOULD get to say what happens to it.
I was showing my (feminist although he would never say it) not-boyfriend this discussion and he said, “She can block comments from whoever she wants for whatever reason, even if it’s a legitimate comment. She could allow comments only from Japanese people for example. Geo IP blocking. It’s theoretically possible if the software of this site allows it.” He’s a geek. And I guess it sounded funnier with his Dutch accent because EVERYTHING sounds funnier with a Dutch accent.
Also, he says, “Those guys sound like douchebags. Or is that sexist to say?” (He only learned what a douche in English is about a month ago.)
I’ve been blocking IPs of trolls lately. Gotta do what I’ve gotta do.
Good. Seriously. When is not letting assholes come here to rile you the same as “silencing dissent?” When it’s your blog, never.
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