Privacy Invasion

My room is a mess. Instead of harassing me to clean it, like she usually does, my mother took it upon herself to clean it for me while I was out for the night. This was very nice of her…

except that my sex toys were EVERYWHERE. I don’t think there were any dirty sex toys anywhere, but all the toys I have to review were on the bed, including my packing cock, a harness, and a bunch of dildos. There was an entire (open) duffle bag at the foot of the bed overflowing with toys.

I thanked her for cleaning my room, but I was understandably upset. I felt like my privacy had been violated. I understand that it’s her house, and she wants me to keep my room clean. Fine. But JUST ASK me to clean it. Don’t take it upon yourself to go into my room and clean it, because I’m a 25-year-old woman, and I probably have things in my room that I don’t want you to see. Like my sex toys. Or the condom wrapper on the floor.

My mom said, “Britni, I *know* about your sex toys.” But there’s a huge difference between knowing that I review sex toys and have a lot of them and actually seeing the collection and straightening it up. I’m pretty horrified about the whole thing.

And this is just one more reason why I need to move out.

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  1. SarahbearNo Gravatar
    Posted June 7, 2010 at 12:21 am | Permalink

    It’s a cycle. I’m sure you dug through your mom’s stuff when you were little. My kids are -constantly- plundering through my sex toys. If it’s their favorite color, looks cool or has a cute face on it they want to play with it. I feel your pain. =p

  2. DymionNo Gravatar
    Posted June 7, 2010 at 1:25 am | Permalink

    Think of the good side… after something like this, you know you can talk to your mom about anything without feeling embarassed.

    • Britni TheVadgeWigNo Gravatar
      Posted June 7, 2010 at 1:28 am | Permalink

      My mom and I already can, and do, talk about anything and everything. It’s just more that I didn’t need her seeing the size and quantity of the toys I own, especially things like butt plugs, strap-on harnesses, and packing cocks.

  3. Saturday StevensNo Gravatar
    Posted June 7, 2010 at 1:34 am | Permalink

    Ugh, this reminds me of when I was younger and my mom did that. All you gotta do is have a panic attack and she’ll stop cleaning your room for you. Well, I don’t know if that will work for you but it did for me.

  4. SaNo Gravatar
    Posted June 7, 2010 at 3:19 am | Permalink

    Yeah, moving out sounds like a necessity. Is it feasible in the near future?

    • Britni TheVadgeWigNo Gravatar
      Posted June 7, 2010 at 10:29 am | Permalink

      Once I get a job I can move out. I have enough saved up to be able to afford somewhere without one, but I want a steady income before I do it.

  5. evaNo Gravatar
    Posted June 7, 2010 at 4:01 am | Permalink

    Agh I know the feeling, I used to feel violated when there’d been a parent in my room too. They didn’t even have to touch anything or move anything, I could just tell they’d been there as the energy had changed and the room didn’t feel mine any longer.
    Let’s hope your mother isn’t interweb savvy enough to find your blog!

  6. Champagne and BenzedNo Gravatar
    Posted June 7, 2010 at 8:53 am | Permalink

    “I felt like my privacy had been violated.”

    LOL! I think perhaps you have unrealistic expectations of privacy considering you’re living in your parent’s house (and that’s not a dig – when I was precisely your age, I was actually living with the ‘rents so I totally sympathize with you.)

    • Britni TheVadgeWigNo Gravatar
      Posted June 7, 2010 at 10:28 am | Permalink

      I don’t think it’s unrealistic to expect my mother to not clean up my sex toys.

      • gilesNo Gravatar
        Posted June 9, 2010 at 6:04 pm | Permalink

        That has to be quote of the year.

    • AshleyNo Gravatar
      Posted June 8, 2010 at 3:35 pm | Permalink

      I don’t think it’s unrealistic as an adult, even in your parents’ home, to expect privacy. Of course, every parent is different; I still live at home with my mom and she respects my privacy. She doesn’t go in my room without asking or knocking, she doesn’t go through my stuff (even if it’s just laying around), she doesn’t open my mail, and she stopped cleaning my room when I was old enough to do it myself (even when it gets messy enough to drive her nuts), etc. So maybe because of that I’ve come to believe that if you’re an adult, it doesn’t really matter if you live at home: you deserve privacy.

  7. Sophie DelanceyNo Gravatar
    Posted June 7, 2010 at 1:19 pm | Permalink

    Augh! That is so unbelievably frustrating. My parents were cool enough to leave my room alone when I lived alone, but I do distinctly remember my younger sister finding my toys when I was 15 or 16 and being absolutely mortified. It doesn’t matter how old you are, what they know or what they think they understand, touching someone’s private things (especially sexual things) is unsettling and a total invasion of privacy. Maybe you should print out these comments and put them on your door.

  8. alanaNo Gravatar
    Posted June 7, 2010 at 1:48 pm | Permalink

    haha…I think I agree with C&B. Obviously you should have privacy, but as a parent I find myself siding with your mother. (Oh how the times change.) If Holden kept his room dirty (there is a difference between dirty and just messy) I would probably eventually clean it myself. At the very least just to make a path in order to get the dishes/food out of the room.

    Actually now that I think about it, maybe your mother wanted you to feel upset and understand that she wants the room clean. No matter how it has to happen. Parents are sneaky like that.

    • Britni TheVadgeWigNo Gravatar
      Posted June 7, 2010 at 2:16 pm | Permalink

      My problem isn’t that she wanted my room to be cleaned; if she had asked me to clean it, I would have (as she’s done before when she feels it gets to That Point). And I think there’s a difference between taking it upon yourself to clean the room of a 6 or 7 or 10-year-old child and a 25-year-old one, especially when you know the kinds of things she receives in the mail.

      • alanaNo Gravatar
        Posted June 7, 2010 at 3:49 pm | Permalink

        That’s true. Cleaning it myself would be the last straw and I would definitely make it clear that he needed to do it or I would before I actually went into his room. Ultimately it’s my house though. (Again, I don’t really care if its messy. Our house is always messy, but I’d never tolerate food plates. Ants are a bitch and roaches freak me out.)

        Luckily I’ve never had to deal with this. I moved out as soon as I possibly could (only to regret it when I dropped out of college to get a second job). My aunt once read my diary, but I don’t think that’s the same thing.

  9. Nell GwynneNo Gravatar
    Posted June 7, 2010 at 1:54 pm | Permalink

    I don’t think that respecting your privacy is unreasonable at all. My room is a current post- semester land mine, and my parents don’t do anything more than gently remind me to unpack and prove that my room has a floor. One parent does know that I occaisonally receive free toys in the mail, but doesn’t pry.

  10. ElodieNo Gravatar
    Posted June 7, 2010 at 2:28 pm | Permalink

    I can understand feeling your privacy was invaded. I wouldn’t mind my mom seeing/knowing about my sex toys — I’d be afraid she’d store them wrong though.

    My mom follows my blog somewhat, so she already knows quite a bit, but I think SHE would mind having such first-hand knowledge of my toys. Especially the flogger, though that’s technically my boyfriend’s.

  11. MissMarNo Gravatar
    Posted June 7, 2010 at 7:43 pm | Permalink

    Oooh, I have also had the horrific experience of having my mother rooting around in my old bedroom and my apartment. When she came over to spend the day, I had to hide various objects of whips, corsets, strap on’s and of course the sexual toys and hope to god she did not look in the third closet and find herself covered in BDSM and sexual products. She did not ever see them but I am always worried when she enjoys popping on over to see me. At least since I live two hours away, it gives me enough time to put the items away.

  12. jacquieNo Gravatar
    Posted June 7, 2010 at 8:27 pm | Permalink

    could have been worse, you could have had to look through your mom’s sex toys

  13. ANo Gravatar
    Posted June 7, 2010 at 10:22 pm | Permalink

    Although I understand the need for privacy, as you pointed out you are a 25 year old woman and not a child, therefore your mother sincerely should not have to tell you to clean your room, you simply should keep it clean IF you already know your mother expects a clean room. You reside in her home. You understand what it is she desires. Why should she need to tell you again, since you are a grown woman. Children tend to need repeating, but a grown up?

    I understand it can be frustrating living at home at your age and having a mum look through your belongings would feel awkward and definitely invasive; however, it is her house and it is unfair of you to expect to be able to have an untidy or dirty room if she does not wish for that.

    • Britni TheVadgeWigNo Gravatar
      Posted June 7, 2010 at 10:24 pm | Permalink

      How about the fact that my mother has never told me that I am EXPECTED to keep my room clean? How about that I lived on my own for 5 years, and my room was a mess. It’s just how I keep it. Again, if I knew my mother EXPECTED a clean room at all times, I’d attempt to be neater. But she didn’t ask me. She took it upon herself to walk into my room and clean it without asking me, telling me, or looking for another solution.

      • Carrie AnnNo Gravatar
        Posted June 8, 2010 at 3:17 pm | Permalink

        Most adults prefer a clean home. If she’s already asked you to clean your room before, when it “gets to that point” she should not have to continue asking. You already know she prefers you keep your room clean – because she’s asked before.

        You’re an adult, a 25 year old woman, you should not have to be asked, talked to, reminded or even told what the expectations are.

        Invasions of privacy suck but telling your adult child, repeatedly, to do something so basic sucks even more so.

    • GhouldilocksNo Gravatar
      Posted June 8, 2010 at 6:21 pm | Permalink

      Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ, people. Get a GRIP. IT IS A GOD. DAMN. ROOM.

      As an adult, (no matter what state of disarray my room may be in) I do have the right to expect some privacy.

      I live in my parents’ home. I have my own room. NOBODY touches anything in that room except for me. Why? Because, though my parents own the actual room, the THINGS in that room are MY property. They belong to ME.

      If my parents were to just waltz right on into my room and go through my things, I have every right to feel violated. Especially if they were to go through things as personal as sex toys.

      I mean COME ON. Are you all seriously telling me that you wouldn’t feel violated if your parents (of all people) went through items that may have been in your vagina or ass? I find that hard to believe.

  14. gilesNo Gravatar
    Posted June 8, 2010 at 6:20 am | Permalink

    No, I think having a grown up child at home means you have to accept that they’re an adult and not invade their space, any more than if you had a lodger. The “My house/My rules” thing might be logical, but it’s not reasonable and bound to corrode the relationship.

    (However, perhaps cleaning for you is her only available way of nurturing you…. don’t be too hard on her.)

    @ Miss Mar: If you’re worried about your mum rummaging, deploy some decoys where she can find them if she violates your privacy: shocking items that, however, are not fetish – a vibrator, hardcore straight sex DVDs, that sort of thing. It’ll punish her, but not give her any material for worry.

  15. JessNo Gravatar
    Posted June 8, 2010 at 9:02 am | Permalink

    I see both sides of this for sure…that’s really embarrassing and I’d be worried she improperly stored things and may cause damage to the toys.

    However, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume that you are expected to keep your living space clean. Not clutter, but obv. food is going to attract bugs and stuff – no one wants that in their house. I think the point is that you shouldn’t really have to be asked to clean your room, esp. at 25.

    I’m inclined to agree that she may have done it to embarrass you enough to want to just handle it yourself in the future.

  16. gilesNo Gravatar
    Posted June 10, 2010 at 4:43 am | Permalink

    On reflection, there are really two issues here;

    Is it OK to invade and clean? Possibly. Possibly not.

    Is it OK to do so when there are private things scattered around? Absolutely not.

    Longer version:

    (1) Is it OK for the parent of a stay-home-adult reasonably invade their room to clean?
    Lots of argument up thread about this. It’s debatable.

    (2) Is it OK for the parent to intrude on a private situation?

    I think that has to be a resounding “no”. Even if it’s OK to invade and clean, if you were in residence road-testing adult products, or having sex, she’d blush and beat a hasty retreat. If you’re not present, some situations can still be private: e.g. you left your diary open on the bed, or – going back a few decades – Polaroids of intimate moments. I think scattered sex toys easily comes into this category.

    (Sorry to resurrect this, and – hey – I’m an erotica blogger so I don’t know why I’m giving this brain space, but there you are….)

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