On Criticism and Personal Attacks

This post is not directed at any one person. It addresses numerous incidents over an extended period of time.

I’ve kept mostly quiet about the “in” crowd stuff. I haven’t felt a need to address it on my own blog, but right now, I do. I’m not stupid. While no one has outright said my name (except Sarahbear), I know that I’m one of the people that is being accused of being negative and snarky and drama-filled. And here’s the thing: I don’t expect everyone to like me. I don’t expect everyone to agree with me. In fact, if I’m not pissing anybody off, then I’m doing something wrong. Getting a reaction out of someone means you’ve made them think, or affected them in some way.

Yes, I write posts about things that piss me off. Yes, I rant and I rave and I bitch. I also write about awesome stuff, rape culture, pop culture, and sex. But you know what I *don’t* do? I don’t personally attack anyone. I never talk shit about someone else in order to make a point. I don’t use ad hominem arguments when disagreeing with something, because I don’t have to go there to make my point. I’ve never called anyone horrible names. Have I disagreed with something they’ve said or written? Yes. Have I attacked them personally? Never.

And the people that are bitching the most about the negativity of the “in” crowd are some of the most negative people I’ve ever encountered. Not only are they negative, they’re people that not only disagree with me, but personally attack me as a person. There’s a huge difference between disagreeing with and attacking my opinion about something and attacking my character. I’ve been personally talked shit about in comments sections of posts on other blogs that had nothing to do with me. My mental health has been questioned. I’ve been told that I shouldn’t be allowed to work in the mental health field. I’ve been told that I’m unfit to be left alone with a child. I’ve been called a drug addict. I’ve been told that I have no right to discuss privilege because my parents bought me a car (I’m choosing not to link to these directly to avoid creating more drama than is necessary, because who said what has no bearing on this post. But the people responsible for them will know who they are). These things have nothing to do with the arguments I’m making or my opinions on things. The vitriol that has been thrown my way has been so harsh that I’ve been brought to tears by it. Just because you’ve never met me doesn’t mean that there isn’t a person behind this blog. A person with feelings, who is capable of being hurt with your words just like the person sitting next to you is.

Tell me something: how do these things make you look like anything other than a negative, snarky, mean person? Where the fuck do you get off calling *me* negative when you say shit like that about and to me? What the fuck did I ever do to you to deserve being spoken to that way? Before you go calling me a hypocrite, maybe you should take a step back and check yourself. And wonder why the fuck I infuriate you so much that you have to repeatedly take the time to spew vitriol in my direction time and again, almost as if you sit back and follow me intently waiting for your next chance to pounce.

Disagree with my opinions all you want. But don’t personally attack me, because I’ve never personally attacked anyone. That’s not how you make your point. In fact, it invalidates anything you have to say because it makes you look insecure and like you have no other argument. Just because I attack an opinion of yours doesn’t mean that I’m attacking YOU as a person. There’s a difference. Remember that.

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  1. aagNo Gravatar
    Posted June 7, 2010 at 9:50 pm | Permalink

    There have been times that I’ve been concerned about you in a motherly way based on the things you’ve written here and on Twitter. However, I’ve never offered you advice on these things as you’ve never asked me for it.

    I’d never dream of criticizing you for these things because the fact of the matter is that we as readers see only the tiniest slice of your life — the part that you want to show, which is without question incomplete and biased.

    The Pots are showing their true colors. Let them. :)

  2. Champagne and BenzedNo Gravatar
    Posted June 7, 2010 at 10:11 pm | Permalink

    “Have I attacked them personally? Never.”

    Erm. Calling me a misogynistic asshole isn’t a personal attack, then? ;-)

    Seriously, I have tried to avoid commenting on this whole drama (admittedly, after instigating part of it) but SERIOUSLY. This is like your post on ‘being judgmental.’ Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining!


    You should follow my example and STFU because if you honestly believe you’re as innocent as you wrote above, you’ve got… erm… selective memory.

    I am a hypocritical asshole who added considerably to the current negativity – but apparently at least I have the introspective capacity to REALIZE it! ;-)

    • Britni TheVadgeWigNo Gravatar
      Posted June 7, 2010 at 10:14 pm | Permalink

      I actually almost added that I know that there is a post that I went a little overboard on you, but that you can’t say that you don’t provoke it. At that point, I had snapped. Other than that, no, I don’t personally attack people to make my points.

      And the things that I wrote that people have said to me? Are absolutely unacceptable, mean, and downright hurtful. And, aside from the one post in which I called you a misogynistic asshole, I don’t think that I personally attack anyone. Sorry, I can’t agree with you there. I think this post was perfectly justified.

  3. Sophie DelanceyNo Gravatar
    Posted June 7, 2010 at 10:22 pm | Permalink

    Rant and rave away because I think your take on all facets of life, sex, love, sexuality, privilege and such is absolutely spot on. You stand your ground, you say your piece and you stand by it, which is marvelous. I mean, damn. This is the internet and this is your freaking site. If they don’t like it, they can most certainly find other blogs that aren’t part of the “in crowd” or whatever.

  4. ANo Gravatar
    Posted June 7, 2010 at 10:34 pm | Permalink

    As someone who has encountered numerous personal attacks for stating my own opinion I do understand and respect your sentiments. Personal attacks are unkind and not necessary. With that said I do believe when people have a public journal and invite comments he/she might find that not everyone agrees with what a person writes and might even have opinions to share as well. But isn’t that the whole point of comments?

    I admit I am not an avid reader of yours because quite frankly I find your views to be rather aggressive and vulgar and often come across, to me, full of hate and a tremendous amount of anger. With that said, when I come across an entry that truly bothers me I simply do not respond or make a comment and instead move forward.

    Some of your entries, especially ones regarding sex toy reviews are helpful and appreciative; however, I get a general sense of anger when I read the majority of your posts and so I understand why some people lash out. I do not excuse the disrespectful and hurtful behaviour, I merely understand the etymology of it.

    I am often in awe at how people somehow feel it is their right to spout of hurtful and spiteful comments. I am often in awe at how some people feel it is okay to verbally attack. Just as I do not believe any human being has the right to touch another human being without consent and permission I believe I have the right to remove negativity and hostility directed at me and I feel the goes for others as well.

    I also agree though that sometimes it is necessary to speak out especially when a person admits to behaviours which are self destructive and could potentially harm someone. Still that can be done without being mean spirited.

    I rarely agree with your sentiments, in fact there are many times when I out right disagree and believe you exhibit an unhealthy lifestyle. These are my opinions though, perhaps not yours, therefore if I do not like what you are sharing I do not have to read it.

    I do believe though that anyone who writes publicly, who wishes to be a role model best be prepared for scrutiny and should, realistically try to live a healthy and positive lifestyle.

    Britni, I will never agree to abusive language. I will agree though to freedom of speech. With that freedom though sometimes comes negativity. It is a case of balance.

    All the best,

    • Britni TheVadgeWigNo Gravatar
      Posted June 7, 2010 at 10:37 pm | Permalink

      I do believe though that anyone who writes publicly, who wishes to be a role model best be prepared for scrutiny and should, realistically try to live a healthy and positive lifestyle.

      When did I ever claim I was a role model for anyone? And how is it my responsibility to represent some sort of moral ideal for people? I’m a blogger, not a public figure.

      • ANo Gravatar
        Posted June 8, 2010 at 8:13 am | Permalink

        Under no circumstances did I say you wanted to be a role model; however, many celebrities do not want to be role models, many athletes do not want to be role models, many musicians want to be role models; however, at the end of the day people look up to them. Is this fair? No. Does it happen? Absolutely.

        You have a rather interesting following. You must be aware of that. People tend to flock to you for whatever reason that might be. You are very open and well known in the on-line world of sex bloggers and you must be aware that many people look up to you, turn to you, seek you out for all you share.

        Life is not fair. When I hear people say “but that is not fair” I can not help but chuckle. Is it fair that people consider you a role model? Probably not. That does not change that you are, at least to some people and therefore I do believe it might be beneficial to perhaps think of exhibiting healthy behaviours.

        Do you have to? Absolutely not. Is it required of you to continue writing? Again, absolutely not. May you possibly be able to help people by adjusting your language, your tone to your entries, perhaps. Perhaps.

        Britni, not once did I say you must be a moral ideal for people. What is moral for one might not be for another so I would not make such a statement.

        Perhaps though you could take a moment to reflect on how you express yourself. To be clear I am not asking or demanding you to change. Quite frankly, that is not my place, I have no business saying such things and this is your journal – a place for you to express in whatever way you see fit.

        Still, in this world we all make impressions and our behaviour, whether we are aware of it or not, whether it is in person or through a computer screen impacts our world.

        Anger begets anger.

        Thank you for allowing me to express my opinions.


        • RedNo Gravatar
          Posted June 9, 2010 at 8:16 am | Permalink

          I’d like to take a moment to point out that this blog is intended for ADULTS. Also known as “people old enough to be responsible for their own actions” and cannot blame those actions on a perceived “role model”. If you’re over 18 and parrot Britni’s way of living (the “good” and the “bad”) that’s on you. You cannot turn around and blame her for your own bad decisions.

          If she were writing to kids, yes, she’s a “Bad Role Model” because of the drugs and whatnot, but she *isn’t* writing to kids. She links kids away to Scarleteen for age-appropriate advice on sexuality.

          We all read her blog because it’s *interesting* not for guidance on how to live our lives. We get great advice on sex toys, great info on rape culture and other socially important issues, and, goddamn it, we love the drama. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t read. Period. If she was just a negative nancy with nothing good to say, we’d give our internet hits to another site.

          Do I agree with every aspect of the way Brit lives her life? No. Does that fucking matter? Hell no!

          Why doesn’t it matter?? Because I’m an adult and I take full responsibility for my own actions, thoughts, and feelings. I don’t look to Brit to tell me how to live, to be my ‘role model’ and you (the Royal You, not you personally, though, yes, you personally) shouldn’t either.

          Mature adults conduct themselves respectively and won’t resort to petty attacks such as name-calling.

          Grow up, everyone.

  5. Champagne and BenzedNo Gravatar
    Posted June 7, 2010 at 10:36 pm | Permalink

    Yeah, Brit, the problem is you go through your entire life thinking that everything you do is perfectly justified and you are never to blame for anything. I have been following you for over a year now and the one thing I’ve NEVER seen you come close to admitting is that perhaps you have the capacity to be WRONG.

    As I said, the only difference between you and I is the fact that when I’m an opinionated asshole, I have the wherewithal to at least be willing to ADMIT IT – even if it takes me a day or two.

  6. Nell GwynneNo Gravatar
    Posted June 7, 2010 at 10:40 pm | Permalink

    I think if I had to deal with the amount of bullshit you recieved, I’d totally and completely crack. Kudos to you for writing what you want. *hug*

  7. pornshopgirlNo Gravatar
    Posted June 7, 2010 at 11:45 pm | Permalink

    fuck the haters, homegirl. this post was perfectly justified. there is no reason to personally attack the person behind the words simply because you don’t agree with them.

    you’re human. you’re gonna fuck up, and that’s okay, we all do. personally, i think you’re super rad :) you were the one who inspired me to start my own public blog. so, thanks!

  8. JessNo Gravatar
    Posted June 8, 2010 at 12:21 am | Permalink

    This is your blog Britni and you have the right to put in here whatever you want. I might not always agree with everything you put in here but I respect your opinions. Your an adult and it’s not my job to tell you what to do. One of the reasons I love your blog so much is because you often write post that spark debate. If someone doesn’t agree with you that’s fine…they just need to be respectful about it. If someone post a hateful comment on my blog I just delete it. I don’t mind people not agreeing with me just be respectful in your disagreement to me.
    Keep writing whatever you want in here and fuck anyone else who doesn’t like it. They’re not being forced to read your blog. They’re coming her of their own accord. If they have a problem with your writing, then they just need to move on.

    ~Jessica~ XXOO

  9. GhouldilocksNo Gravatar
    Posted June 8, 2010 at 1:24 am | Permalink

    Don’t these people have lives?

  10. tonya cinnamonNo Gravatar
    Posted June 8, 2010 at 7:57 am | Permalink

    one thing people have told me is that with my personality i scare people…
    still cracks me up to a point but it also makes me angry on a level that i am being judged before someone truly knows me.

    all i can offer is {hugs}

  11. BlaizeNo Gravatar
    Posted June 8, 2010 at 11:51 am | Permalink

    First I want to say that I don’t think you are particularly negative. Second, it is not your duty to set any kind of example, nor is it ANYONE ELSE’S RIGHT to suggest that you should. I, on the other hand, am negative.

    No one forces me to come to this site, props my eyelids open with toothpicks, and threatens to kill my family if I don’t read what you have written here. Anyone who suggests that you need to change what you write or how you are or how you live or anything about you is a person who needs to get a little clearer on the whole concept of “free will.”

    Finally, I will say I think you are a perfectly acceptable role model. I don’t, myself, like hearing about your drug use, but the only place I hear about that is on your twitter feed, not your blog. I.e. different venue; different tone; different topics. Also, I am an enormous prude about drugs, so, hey, guess what? I don’t expect you to stop doing drugs because they bother me, nor do I think a 25-year-old woman doing drugs is a bad role model, but rather a realistic reflection of general trends. That fact that you do drugs and are STILL an accomplished person makes you, actually, a rather good role model.

    Overall, you are very smart, articulate, and a good writer. People who don’t like what you write should fucking go somewhere else. Unless their families are being threatened, in which, by all means, they should keep reading things they dislike! Weirdos.

  12. JanieNo Gravatar
    Posted June 8, 2010 at 11:56 am | Permalink

    Haters gonna hate. Sadly. You put up with a lot here, I’m in awe. My grandma always says ‘If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it.’



  13. alanaNo Gravatar
    Posted June 8, 2010 at 12:42 pm | Permalink

    Ooh…does this mean I get to be with the cool kids too? I do comment and agree with you pretty often. Sycophants are real people too!

    What I want to know is how these people expect you to act when they’re harping all over you? Im not saying you’re any more negative then the word sometimes inspires, but do these people think questioning your mental health is going to make you write about rainbows and bunnies? Get real.

    People like to forget that we’re all assholes. We all do asshole-ish things and make asses of ourselves sometimes. I pride myself on remaining calm and rational and there are posts I’ve written that make me cringe at how angry I obviously was. We all get too emotionally involved in our own world views sometimes and that can lead to unfortunate behavior. We’re human. That’s what we do. But none of that means we can’t move forward and have lasting relationships with people.

    I think part of this might stem from the topic you guys blog about though. As an outsider, it can sometimes seem like sex-bloggers aren’t given as much leeway to write about non-sex topics like social issues (admittedly I only follow a few “sex blogs” so this is all my personal take). “Mommy blogs” suffer from the same thing. The reality is politics and social commentary are polarizing. People on both sides need to realize that and accept it without losing their shit (and I have definitely lost my shit before).

  14. SaNo Gravatar
    Posted June 8, 2010 at 4:17 pm | Permalink

    You ARE pretty opinionated, but negative???I don’t understand what that means. Negative because of the topics you address? How can you not sound negative about rape culture???

  15. ANo Gravatar
    Posted June 9, 2010 at 1:23 am | Permalink


    I realise that your life has nothing to do with mine and it is a choice in which I come to read. I must say after spending a great deal of time reading many entries, starting with your first and working my way to your newest, that I truly find your tone to comments in which you do not like, comments that perhaps prickle you or disagree with you, you simply do not accept and your rebuttal carries a tone of great hostility.

    I have not once approached you with wickedness in my tone. I have not once approached you with venom or profanities and yet you have responded to my comments with what can only be assumed to be anger, (using all capital letters) and by expressing yourself with profanities.

    I understand my comments may cause friction to you and I even respect that I might say something which triggers something in you. With that said, I must say, I find it odd you would even accept comments if you only ever desired to embrace the positive ones. Still, this is your blog, you absolutely have the right to do whatever it is you wish.

    With that said, even though I do not always mesh with your entries and or responses to comments left, I do believe that many of your readers, the one’s who do wish to stand up for you, are part of the negativity I know I have experienced from reading and sharing on your blog.

    I find it amazing that should someone disagree with you that person is considered a “hater”. Why is it that a person who disagrees automatically lands in the pile of “haters”? I disagree with you but I do not hate you. I do not know you so how can I hate you? I realise that you do not control what people write and I do not hold you accountable for any other person’s response. Still I find it interesting how opposing views, for many of your readers, automatically makes the author of said views a “hater” and or other negative names I have read while reading your writings.

    Not once in any of my comments have I ever called you names, used profanities or declared that you were/are an awful person. I have though challenged your thoughts, beliefs and behaviours. I have challenged what you think and act; however, I have never once done so with any negativity, with any malice. I am not certain I can say the same for how you have responded to my comments.

    I believe it is unfortunate that people who do have opposing views from you are readily and regularly verbally attacked. Now you might not think you are attacking someone’s point of view; however, just like the author might feel he or she is not attacking you, you might feel as though a comment is a personal attack and vice versa.

    I think it is a shame that I find such judgement from some of your readers and even from you from time to time when you are addressing comments because truthfully I appreciated some of your entries. Unfortunately though, I do not feel as though you are open to discussions where I might not cheer you on, where I might not agree with your sentiments.

    I do not know you Britni. I have never claimed to know what you have experienced, what your life story is, what hurdles you have had to overcome, what successes you have had in your life. I do not know anything about you except what you have shared in this journal, on your formspring and your twitter and although I would not tell you how to live your life, I would not tell you what choices to make, I would think that you are a person who is about growth, about pushing past behaviours and examining your life and your relationship with people you know face to face, with people you communicate with on-line. Unfortunately though, from my experience, I do not believe you are such a person which is why I have made the conscious decision to no longer read your entries, read your questions on formspring and or follow you on twitter. I am certain my decision does not affect your life, in fact I would hope it did not.

    I am curious though if perhaps what I have shared today might cause even the tiniest reflection inside of you regarding how one person “sees” you. I do not believe we should base our feelings about ourselves on how others see us; however, I know I have often witnessed an entirely different side of myself simply from “seeing” myself through another person’s eyes, through a person I really do not know. Sometimes that person can show me things I truly was not aware of.

    I do not hold you accountable for what some of your readers say; about some of the negativity, some of the hurtful things they direct at other readers who have made comments; however, like does attract like. Something you may or may not think about.

    I do wish you much success in your life Britni. And I do hope that with time and experience you might be willing to pause and reflect on your choices and perhaps one day admit that sometimes you are at fault that sometimes your choices are not the best and that just because someone points out an unfavourable behaviour does not mean that person is not a good person, not a person of worth and that his/her comments might actually have some validity.

    Life is about lessons. Life is about respect. Life is about being willing to listen. Life is about communicating without hate, without judgement, without name calling. Life is about reflection and willingness to change and grow.

    At least for me it is.


    • Britni TheVadgeWigNo Gravatar
      Posted June 9, 2010 at 1:52 am | Permalink

      I have never called you a “hater.” Yes, I have disagreed with comments you have left, and I have expressed my reasons for that in a reply. Yet, even though you disagree, I’ve published your comment. You are not someone that I am referring to as “a hater.” The people I am talking about have gone out of their way to attack me. You say that you’ve never called me names. Yes, I know this. Yet the people that I’m addressing *have*. Don’t assume that what I’m writing pertains to you. You disagree in a respectful way. That is fine. Others do not. That? Is not fine.

    • Britni TheVadgeWigNo Gravatar
      Posted June 9, 2010 at 2:00 am | Permalink

      Question for you, A: why is it that the only comments you have ever left on my blog have been on posts where I complain about the way people respond to me, and you lecture me? Because before the posts you commented on today, the only post you’ve commented on before was when I told people to STFU. If you want to comment here, by all means, keep doing so. But you have to speak up more often than when I seem to ask for opinions or bitch about the way people respond to me.

      Because, honey, I don’t need your lectures. You’re not my parent; stop trying to be.

  16. ANo Gravatar
    Posted June 9, 2010 at 8:22 am | Permalink

    Your responses came to my e-mail and I believe it is important to answer questions and you have politely asked me. I have actually left, to my knowledge many other comments; however, they were not posted. In fact I responded to the entry “God’s Vagina” as well as, “PSA: Vaginas Are Stretchy,”Creepy Alligator Comin,” “Product Review: SpareParts Theo Harness,” “Wardrobe Malfunction: Fetish Party” and “Vulva Beautiful” and those are the ones I remember. And in those comments I actually agreed with what you were saying or complimenting you on your wardrobe. I also sent a comment to your response to my first comment on the post “Privacy Invasion” and that did not appear either.

    As I have no reason to believe you would lie I can only believe that the comments I made simply did not reach you, a glitch in the internet highway perhaps.

    Britni I did not say you addressed me as a “hater” that was directed to some of your readers. I apologise for the misunderstanding.

    I do not assume what you write in general in directed at me, I do not think I concern you enough to do so. Anything I have replied to, what I speak of in my most previous comment to you is directed to how I interpreted what you have directly said to your replies to my comments and general comments made by other readers.

    I think it is interesting how you interpret my comments as lectures for they sincerely are not. I have merely shared my thoughts. Nothing more. Nothing less.

    Again, I wish you all the best.

  17. sexie sadieNo Gravatar
    Posted June 11, 2010 at 2:00 am | Permalink

    To A~

    Please read Britni’s Byline – “I’m nothing but a brash and impetuous girl striving to be true to myself while searching for somewhere to belong, someone to love, and a better version of me.”

    I would say that this very succinct sentence embodies who she is and what her goals are, while displaying humility and portraying a sense of responsibility; all in under 30 words and DESPITE all of the shit she’s gone through.

    Allow Britni to use the tone she needs to have her voice be heard. Obviously it’s working for her, and is in fact evidenced by your investment of much thought, effort, and time in posting repeatedly here. And remember that we all have our path to walk, it’s just that some, like Britni, have more fascinating feet to follow. Which is, of course, why we read her.


  18. Guy MelvinNo Gravatar
    Posted June 15, 2010 at 4:01 pm | Permalink

    If I had a dollar for each time I came here! Amazing read.

  19. Mr PuckNo Gravatar
    Posted June 28, 2010 at 1:31 pm | Permalink

    This comment has been edited by the blog author to something much more representative of the bullshit that was written here. OH THAT’S RIGHT: NO ONE CARES. Have a nice day!

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