PSA: On Heterocentric Sex

A (lesbian) friend  and I were having a conversation the other day, when talk turned to scissoring (what?? It’s TOTALLY normal to have random conversations about scissoring with your friends!).

Her: “Oh, I love the lesbian scenes in mainstream porn. I find it hysterical that people think we actually do that. I mean, DO GUYS REALLY THINK WE SCISSOR?”

Me: “Obvi. We’re all scissor sisters! Woooo!”

Her: “I just think, man, those chicks must get some wicked labial bruising after all that bumping and grinding. ‘Here, lemme rub mah junk on yoo.’”

Me: “I imagine some pretty intense razor burn, as well. But I especially like the double-ended dildos.”

Her: “Yes! The straight, floppy ones! They just each get their own end and no one touches it at all. They just kind of wiggle around on it.”

Me: “‘Look, Ma! No hands!’ It’s like a party trick.”

Later that day, I was out with some friends. One of the guys, when he found out that I was into women, asked, “So, how awesome is scissoring? I wish *I* could scissor with someone!” OMG, LESBIANS DO NOT SCISSOR! DO. NOT. SCISSOR. NO SCISSORING. I’m sorry to kill all your heterosexual male fantasies, but… NO. Grinding? Yes. Usually on legs or some such appendage. But crotch-on-crotch? Notsomuch.

Once I had shattered his fantasy, he said, “So that leaves… what? Oral sex and double-ended dildos?” *sigh* NO. NO FLOPPY DOUBLE-ENDED DILDOS. Why are guys at such a loss as to how lesbians have sex? When you take away scissoring and double-ended dildos, they think there’s nothing left! Like, remove the penis and there’s no way for good sex!

Come on, guys! Way to be horribly uncreative. Fingers. Fists. Tongues. Dildos. Vibrators. Strap-ons. And that’s just off the top of my head! I tend to forget that, outside of my non-vanilla, non-hetero bubble of sexland, most people still have a very non-diverse, heterocentric view of how sex is to be had. P in V. A penis is not required for hot sexxx, and even with a penis, there are more things that you can do than just penetrate.

This has been a Public Service Announcement.

This entry was posted in Public Service Announcement, SGO, Sex Miscellany, With A Little Help From My Friends. Bookmark the permalink. Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.


  1. GarryNo Gravatar
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 12:32 am | Permalink

    Come Britni, why shatter all hetro fantasy’s? PSA or not

    • Britni TheVadgeWigNo Gravatar
      Posted April 7, 2010 at 5:24 am | Permalink

      I hope this was a joke. If not? Fuck off.

  2. KaraNo Gravatar
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 1:33 am | Permalink

    Great post and well said Britni :) Kara & Jessica XOXOXOXOX

  3. cleofayeNo Gravatar
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 2:04 am | Permalink

    Thank you Thank you Thank you…… I too live in my little LGBT, sex filled world. It seems every time I’m with new people I get the “how do lesbian’s do it?” question. If you can’t figure it out yourself, I would never want to have sex with you, man or woman.

  4. RedNo Gravatar
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 2:59 am | Permalink

    Scissoring, from experience, is super difficult and not at all that enjoyable. The idea is hot, but the reality hurts your legs and your vadge. And double ended floppy dildos were created for those bachelor party strippers who perform in hotel rooms…and rarely enjoy their own shows!

  5. AmyNo Gravatar
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 6:59 am | Permalink

    The concept of scissoring has always confused me a little, it just seems to me that people don’t fit together that way, at least not comfortably!


  6. Garnet JoyceNo Gravatar
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 9:35 am | Permalink

    Bah! I have to disagree with you again on this. I’m not a lesbian, but I am queer and I love scissoring. Sure its kind of like tetris and its not going to make me cum, but it feels damn good when it’s with someone I care about a lot. It’s more about intimacy than anything else. I do agree with you though about the straight double sided dildos. Those are ridiculous. I want to touch my partner not just fuck them with the same dildo.

    It should be noted though that have actually dated many lesbians who didn’t seem to know that sex could be anything but oral. It tended to be a big old yawn fest. I think there are a lot of lesbians out there that could use some education as well as hetero men

  7. twgNo Gravatar
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 10:18 am | Permalink

    “A penis is not required for hot sexxx, and even with a penis, there are more things that you can do than just penetrate.”

    Please tell this to every guy who has lost wood around me. Anytime that happens, I feel like the guy gets all moody and cuts the sex off, and it’s like, now I’m going to remember “oh, so and so couldn’t get it up last night” instead of the alternative where you get creative and use something besides your dick to show me a good time and I remember “wow, he was so hottt last night, I didn’t even know he could do that with his tongue/fingers/etc.”

    And no, I’ve never done any of the mentioned activities with a woman either. Maybe guys get obsessed with scissoring because you do that finger approximation of it when you’re like 13 or something.

  8. Nell GwynneNo Gravatar
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 10:19 am | Permalink

    Love. This. Post. So. Ridiculously. Much.

  9. Cand86No Gravatar
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 11:21 am | Permalink

    Bookmarked, to be posted in response to the weekly, if not daily, Yahoo! Answers question that asks “How do lesbians have sex?”.

    Also, I blame “South Park”. I’ve never had so many people tell me about scissoring until that episode aired.

  10. rNo Gravatar
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 1:20 pm | Permalink

    Poor, clueless straights. I bet some of them think gay guys sit around sword fighting with their peens too. :)

  11. liatardNo Gravatar
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 2:21 pm | Permalink

    I’m totally down with what you’re saying about heterocentric ideas about sex, but I have to point out… some lesbians DO have scissor sex. And it IS awesome. Which doesn’t negate your point, that most people are completely mystified as to how two women could pleasure each other. So, just sayin’, don’t hate on the scissoring to get your point across. Its practice is alive and well (off the porn sets!).

  12. quizzical pussyNo Gravatar
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 3:09 pm | Permalink

    Hear hear! I have no idea why guys find “showing off girl-on-girl” more entertaining than women actually fucking in non-contrived, genuine ways. Sure, there are many ways to have sex and it’s possible that some women are into those “lesbian” porn tropes, but they have to be few and far between.

    When hetero fantasies are of things that don’t even look like they could get the average woman off, I have to wonder why they’re actually fantasies.

  13. twgNo Gravatar
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 7:44 pm | Permalink

    Oh, and don’t forget, all lesbians have huge claw nails and still love fingering each other :)

    • LindsayNo Gravatar
      Posted April 7, 2010 at 9:20 pm | Permalink

      THAT is what I hate the most about mainstream lesbian porn. Those NAILS! Just shuddered thinking about it. Ouch! Guh.

    • PixieNo Gravatar
      Posted April 8, 2010 at 7:14 am | Permalink

      The crazy nails *shudders*

  14. LindsayNo Gravatar
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 9:19 pm | Permalink

    Aaaaaaand this is why I love you.

    I get asked the same shit all the time, except I like to tell the boys that we all scissor… and that’s it. They don’t need to know what makes lesbian sex so much better than hetero sex, or else they’d be usin’ all muh trixxx and stealin’ all muh broadszzz and I for one am NOT okay with that hahaha

    Let them eat cake, let them think scissoring is real. For the betterment of lesbian-kind!


  15. BlowJoyNo Gravatar
    Posted April 8, 2010 at 9:30 am | Permalink

    “Sure its kind of like tetris and its not going to make me cum” = Quote of the Fucking Day by GJ!!

  16. Wilhelmina WangNo Gravatar
    Posted April 8, 2010 at 8:06 pm | Permalink

    yeah… most men i talk to automatically jump to this and it confuses me to no end, especially when there’s tons more fun and *less complicated* things to do besides that.

    the idea of scissoring does appeal to me, but i can’t envision myself trying it with anyone anytime soon. i’d probably either kick my partner in the face by accident, or pull a muscle in my leg.

    have also spoken to some hetero men who *legit* cannot understand sex without a penis. i feel like they’re doing *themselves* a disservice by focusing all their sexual potency around just one body part!

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