All of Me

I have the best Master/Daddy/boyfriend in the world. I’m not an easy person to be with, and I know that. I suffer from depression, and it comes and goes often. I actually think it’s more like dysthymia, which is worse, because that means it never really goes away. And that makes being with me really, really hard.

You see, when I get depressed, I shut down and I shut people out. I isolate. I read a lot, and I write a little, but I don’t really want to talk. I don’t want to have sex. I just want to be alone. And when you’re in a long-distance relationship, it’s even harder to deal with these things. I can’t lay in the same bed as Him so that He knows I’m still there. I can’t sit in the other room and watch TV while He works on His computer. I shut off, and I shut Him out.

He handles me better than anyone I’ve ever been with. He doesn’t blame me. He doesn’t get mad at me. Sure, He misses me. Sure, He feels disconnected from me, and worries that I’m drifting away. He misses playing on Skype and seeing my face and hearing my voice and hearing about my day. And this time, He missed getting to see me in person. You see, we were supposed to spend Valentine’s Day together, but a meltdown on my part prevented me from getting on the plane. And He forgave me, and we were able to use my ticket to get me up to see Him in about a week.

He really is my Daddy. He knows what I need, and He takes care of me when I come to Him for it. He lets me be when I need my space. He knows when to push me and when to step back. When I get like this, the D/s aspect of our relationship falls to the back burner, as I don’t have the energy or motivation to take rules and follow orders. And so, He doesn’t push. He knows I’ll come back.

He said to me last night, while I was wallowing and beating myself up over being a bad sub and a bad girlfriend, and apologizing to Him for the fact that these phases would probably always be a part of our relationship, “So be it. I want all of you.” No one has ever said that to me before, and it was both the nicest thing I’ve ever heard and exactly what I needed to hear.

Have I mentioned yet how amazing my partner is? Because He is. Amazing.

“It’s me, I’m a freak,
but thanks for lovin’ me
‘Cause you’re doing it perfectly. “

-Adam Lambert, Whataya Want From Me

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  1. Another Suburban MomNo Gravatar
    Posted February 22, 2010 at 7:15 am | Permalink

    That is so lovely. I am glad that you two will get to spend your time together.

  2. AprilNo Gravatar
    Posted February 22, 2010 at 7:38 am | Permalink

    It’s so awesome that you’ve finally found someone who treats you well and understands you perfectly. I’m truly happy for you! I hope you have a great time when you see him next week.

  3. SarahbearNo Gravatar
    Posted February 22, 2010 at 7:59 am | Permalink

    That’s the type of person everyone needs. Chad has said very similar things to me on more than one occasion. We’ve all got our faults and flaws. I’m glad that you two were able to sort things out and you’ll be able to see him soon. =)

  4. AmyNo Gravatar
    Posted February 22, 2010 at 8:39 am | Permalink

    Aw, you’re making me tear up! Every relationship has problems but wanting to deal with those problems rather than just run away are what elevates it from a good relationship to a great one :)


  5. MargaretNo Gravatar
    Posted February 22, 2010 at 11:13 am | Permalink

    So fucking glad you two worked through this.

    Lovin’ you, hun.


  6. BlowJoyNo Gravatar
    Posted February 22, 2010 at 12:13 pm | Permalink

    Fabulous. So happy to hear it. xoxo

    • BlowJoyNo Gravatar
      Posted February 22, 2010 at 12:17 pm | Permalink

      Also, I’m stealing that image. It’s perfect. Thanks.

  7. PandaDementiaNo Gravatar
    Posted February 22, 2010 at 5:49 pm | Permalink

    It’s amazing when you find that person that just *gets* you and loves you unconditionally. You wonder how you survived so long without them.
    I’m glad you two found each other.

  8. ProfligacyNo Gravatar
    Posted February 22, 2010 at 10:02 pm | Permalink

    [Nausea Warning: If sickly sweet turns your stomach, look away]

    The only thing better than having a woman love me like you do, is having a woman that can so eloquently, and easily with a few simple words, reach into my chest and pull out my heart strings to show me that they are in fact beating and alive.

    I guess I have already answered the question in that song. And of course my giving up is not likely since all of ME, is already with you.

  9. SulpiciaNo Gravatar
    Posted February 22, 2010 at 10:13 pm | Permalink

    AH… Yes. To have those moments (many of those moments) and be loved not despite them, but because they are a part of who you are… That’s pretty fucking awesome. I hope you get on that plane and have that time together… XS

  10. Nadia WestNo Gravatar
    Posted February 22, 2010 at 11:03 pm | Permalink

    This is so sweet! I know the feeling. I have meltdowns myself and MasterDoc has been amazing through it. When I get that despondent he tells me that he’ll keep loving me no matter how much I try to make him stop.

    So good to hear there’s more than one Dom out there who understands mental illness and takes good care of his sub. :-)

  11. KeithNo Gravatar
    Posted February 23, 2010 at 2:30 am | Permalink

    How fantastic! That really touched a chord with me, partly because there’s a bit of me which always feels protective but also because I know what the depression is like. Like you when I get depressed I shut down and don’t want to do anything at all; if it’s really bad I retreat to bed and just shut everyone & everything out. Luckily that latter phase never lasts long and my wife (of 30 years) is always there to help pull me out again. Sadly the depression may not ever go away, so here’s wishing you luck to keep that wonderful relationship.
    PS. Oh and thanks for the nice words on my blog, Britni!

  12. Joanna CakeNo Gravatar
    Posted February 25, 2010 at 2:25 pm | Permalink

    You know how I feel about my Ruf. It is the most amazing thing to have someone who wants to actively help you get through the bad stuff and loves all of you no matter what x

2 Trackbacks

  1. By Escapism on March 2, 2010 at 2:26 pm

    [...] I feel like it wouldn’t be right to write another post without addressing the bruhaha that took place in the comments section of this post, not by directly tackling any specific comment, but by opening up a little more about something I alluded to in this post. [...]

  2. By Up and Go on May 29, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    [...] falling into that black hole again. The one that I always seem to end up back in, just when I think I’m almost out. I feel like a shell of a person and my [...]

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