I am FUCKING SICK of products meant for women to change the look, smell, taste, and feel of their genitals. Beyond the basic hair removal and the porn aesthetic of hairless, petite, “cute,” vulvas and labia that are shoved in our faces, there are a plethora of other ways that you can fix those pesky problems with your vadge.

Don’t like the way your vagina smells? Get a douche! Because your vagina should smell like “fresh scent,” or “island splash.” Why on EARTH would anyone ever want a vagina that smelled like, you know, vagina? Forget the fact that douching kills the good bacteria that kills the bad bacteria and keeps your vagina healthy. And the fact that it screws up the pH of your vagina. Or that vaginas, like ovens, are self-cleaning. If douching kills the good bacteria, this means there’s more bad bacteria, which probably makes your vagina smell bad. So, in effect, douching actually causes the problem it’s trying to prevent. ALSO, NO ONE SHOULD EVER HAVE, OR WANT, A FLORAL SCENTED VAGINA.
Don’t like the way your vagina tastes? Get a breath mint for your vagina! Yes, that’s what your vagina needs: a breath mint. Because, just like vagina shouldn’t smell like vagina, it also shouldn’t taste like vagina. Never mind the fact that there’s sugar in these mints, and sugar feeds yeast, and excess yeast in a vagina creates: A YEAST INFECTION! Screw the health of your vadge. What really matters is the TASTE of it. AND IT SHOULD BE MINTY FRESH.
Is your vagina too loose? Try a tightening cream! So much less expensive than vaginal rejuvination! You can buy Hold Tight, or, my personal favorite, Liquid Virgin. Because, god forbid, your ELASTIC VAGINA stretches out during sex! Or, you know, is a little looser after pushing an 8 pound baby out of it. And because people don’t have genitals of varying sizes. No woman ever thinks a man’s penis is too small or too large– it couldn’t be possible that maybe vaginas vary in size, too. No, every vagina should be tight tight tight. Like a virgin. Virginity is hot, man. All that pain, and bleeding, and awkwardness of having no idea what you’re doing. It’s something that you should want to recreate every time! And everyone knows that the opposite of tight like a virgin must be loose like a whore, and no one wants to be a whore, AMIRITE? Or, you could always just restore your virginity. To avoid being stoned to death for being a sluthoor, obvi.
Are you unsatisfied with the color of your pubic hair (that is, if you still have any! And if you do, WHY!?)? That’s what pubic hair dye is for! God forbid you get *gasp* grey hairs down there, because you’re, you know, GETTING OLDER. That’s so freaky and abnormal! Or, OMIGOD, WHAT IF HE FINDS OUT THAT YOU’RE NOT A NATURAL BLONDE WHEN HE SEES THAT THE CARPET DOESN’T MATCH THE DRAPES? He’ll TOTALLY dump you! The solution is, clearly, to color your pubic hair. Chemicals near your vadge are ALWAYS a good idea.
Maybe you’re satisfied with the color of your pubic hair, or that’s a non-issue, because you remove it all (pubic hair = gross. Remember that). But maybe you’re not so happy with the color of your labia. You want your labia to be pink and cute and “youthful” looking. You should try “genital colorant!” It’s really important that you restore that “youthful pink color” to your labia! Again, you can’t have a man notice that your vagina is OLD LOOKING, or that it’s color changed after childbirth! It is IMPERATIVE that you keep your vagina looking young and pink. Because PINK is the only right color for labia. Even for women of color, and women of different ethnicities and races. You MUST have a pink vagina, or suffer the shame of having an ugly vagina! And NO ONE wants that!
Maybe your labia are fine, but your butthole isn’t pink enough. Anal bleaching cream is the perfect product for you! I know you’re really concerned about the color of your butthole and all, so now you can make it an acceptable color! There must be *something* about pretty, light, pink anuses, especially since they’re the only ones that Rock Hudson would bang. This means that you MUST have a pretty, pink butthole. This is very important. Especially since you have someone staring at your butthole *so much*, and if it’s not the right color, they’ll NEVER do you. FIX IT.
Are you upset because you can’t find your g-spot to produce those amazing, superhuman, squirting orgasms you hear so much about? Well, something must be wrong with your vagina, but there’s a solution: The G Shot! Have collagen injected INTO YOUR VAGINA, so that you can fix this defect of yours! Even though there’s no scientific proof that the g-spot exists and it’s widely debated, and some women may or may not have them, or some women’s may just be more sensitive than others’, if you can’t find yours I’m sure it’s just a biological flaw. NBD. Go ahead and inject botulism into your vagina to rectify that flaw RIGHT NOW. Especially because there’s such proof that it works and it gets such a ringing endorsement from Margaret Cho.
FUCK. THAT. NOISE. WE DON’T NEED ANY OF THIS SHIT. Our vaginas and vulvas are fucking PERFECT. And it’s crap like this that gives women a complex about what they look like. It’s the reason that I thought my vagina was abnormal for years. It’s harmful and shameful and unacceptable and promote a totally unrealistic standard of beauty for our genitals.
Ladies, your vaginas are perfect just how they are. I promise.
Photo source.
This entry was posted in Caterwauling About The Patriarchy, Griping and Kvetching and Bitching, Public Service Announcement, Standards of Beauty. Bookmark the permalink. Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.


  1. Welcome to Chicago, Jillinois
    Posted January 11, 2010 at 6:43 pm | Permalink

    Mine will be perfect after I get it bedazzled.

  2. mrs. m
    Posted January 11, 2010 at 6:53 pm | Permalink

    lol! this is why i love you! i've never had vadge issues, but i've always felt my nipples were too small, or at least i did. one day, i decided to do just what you suggested, fuck the haters! my nipples are lovely!


  3. Librarian Babe
    Posted January 11, 2010 at 6:56 pm | Permalink

    Bravo! Loved this.

    Several years ago I read up on labiaplasty online because my inner labia are long and I was contemplating surgery. I always felt self-conscious about them. But thankfully I have wonderful men in my life who are appalled at the idea of me changing my vadge. :-) Acceptance is such a better route.


  4. Sa
    Posted January 11, 2010 at 7:16 pm | Permalink

    I just…why would you want to change the way it tastes or smells? And it can clean itself!!!! It's a wonderful thing.

    What breaks my heart is hearing little girls tell me they are ugly "down there". Not even 10 and they believe that vaginas are disgusting.

    You'll note that no penis is flavoured, though.

  5. Jess
    Posted January 11, 2010 at 8:57 pm | Permalink

    I love this post! Your passion is so evident!

  6. Another Suburban Mom
    Posted January 11, 2010 at 9:13 pm | Permalink

    My vagina is fabulous and brings great joy to all who enter.

    I do think you should do a fabulous post of a variety of vagina's, a plethora of pussies, a convention of cunts, if you will.

    Perhaps ask your adoring readers to send you vagina photos and publish them here.

    I would volunteer if you did that.

  7. Jess
    Posted January 11, 2010 at 10:17 pm | Permalink

    I'd volunteer too :)

  8. The Duchess
    Posted January 11, 2010 at 10:23 pm | Permalink

    This is fantastic.
    Let's just leave our vajayjays alone, shall we?

  9. river
    Posted January 11, 2010 at 10:25 pm | Permalink

    I totally agree and most women I know do too. But I still shave. Don't you? How many of us don't shave at least something down there (oops, sorry!)? Probs not a lot, especially if you are under thirty.

    Riva of BR

  10. theybelongtous
    Posted January 11, 2010 at 11:52 pm | Permalink

    I love this post.
    That is all.


  11. Vanilla Kinks
    Posted January 12, 2010 at 12:43 am | Permalink

    Wonderful post!

    I don't alter my pubic area at all. That's right! I don't even shave it! *gasp* Have men turned me down because of this? Yes, but just as many men accept because they miss a hairy cunt.

    My cunt is perfect just the way it was made. I can't see doing any of the things you said would improve it.

    Vadge love!

    (PS: I'm with Veronica. If you did a vadge post, I'd send in a picture!)

  12. Ms. Inconspicuous
    Posted January 12, 2010 at 1:33 am | Permalink

    I agree in the general sense. I do wonder, though, where the line is between applying an artificial and ridiculous beauty standard, and modification for self-expression.

    For instance, I think the aqua-blue and hot-pink pubic hair dyes (by the same company as the others, I believe) could be kinda fun in a funky, "I wanna dye my bush electric blue" kind of way.

    Same with intimate piercings…it's not wrecking a perfect vagina or improving an imperfect one–it's another form of self expression; this time centered around the genitals.

  13. ignorantarmies
    Posted January 12, 2010 at 2:22 am | Permalink

    Like penis enlargement, vagina improvement is an almost perfect sellers market. It's taboo, so very hard to get any kind of reasonably reliable information about it, its very personal and sensitive and almost everybody is prone to be insecure about it. You can just go and tell people: "This makes you better." and hit their fear spot.
    And I don't think that the rationale is "do this, or no one will want to fuck you". For one thing, fashion doesn't need rationales. You do these things because they are the things to do. And if everybody is having colorless sphincter, you just have to fit in.
    But more than that, if anyone actualy sees your vagina or anus, how likely is it that you are not already intimate with them? Porn actors and strippers excluded. It's sad that things like these are included in how we should be, in our selfworth. And I suppose it's much worse for women than for men.
    On a more upbeat note: I can imagine various interesting uses for tightening cream and among all the predominantly cosmetic products, this one seems justified. This is of course conditional on how unhealthy it is, but that goes for everything. It's a bit like lube, you apply something to make the sex enjoyable. If it does that, I don't see the problem.

  14. Sa
    Posted January 12, 2010 at 2:24 am | Permalink

    Ms. Inconspicuous: I think dying your pubic hair or adorning your labia with piercings is about pride in your genitals, not modification per se. Most people don't highlight a part of them they find disgusting.

    It's a complicated question, though. The number of aggressive discussions I have heard between women who go bare and women who prefer keeping pubic hair show this: you've bought into the porn fantasy, how can men fantasize about little girls, etc.
    Hard to tell how fabricated our desires are in genera.

  15. Mallory
    Posted January 12, 2010 at 10:34 am | Permalink

    I've had two guys ask me to alter the appearance of my vadge (through the amount/location of shaving) and guess what? Those guys were total dicks! My current man likes it just the way it is, no matter if I shave or not. If someone wants you to change your vagina, he/she isn't worthy of it in the first place.

  16. Garnet Joyce
    Posted January 12, 2010 at 2:54 pm | Permalink

    Amen sistah!

    FYI: vag tightening products just dry the vag out to make it seem tighter. Because nothing is hotter than really dry uncomfortable sex

  17. Aurore
    Posted January 12, 2010 at 8:35 pm | Permalink

    I agree with Veronica – I would totally send in a pic.

    I am amazed to know someone came up with a "mint" for your vagina. Who buys into this crap?

    Personally, I'm advocating for a return of hair – I am just too damn tired of shaving/waxing/etc…to appeal to men.

  18. ignorantarmies
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 2:21 am | Permalink

    Then don't. I guess the number of men who have a shaved pubes fetish is rather small and the rest should not see it as the make it or break it point if at all worth apealling to. Sex can be nice shaved and non shaved, vaginas look pretty in the bushes and on the plain. It's one more thing to play with and certainly not subject to global social standarts.

    I guess if this post shows us anything than that extending the social practice of judging as good or appropriate into the underwear and bedroom is a bad idea.

  19. Truly
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 3:33 pm | Permalink

    What a screwed up time we live in. This post is hilarious, but sad, sad, sad. I've been thinking about writing something about this same topic—about labiaplasty in particular—but haven't been able to find any good stats on how common it is in this country.

  20. Sequoia Redd
    Posted January 14, 2010 at 12:59 pm | Permalink

    yay vaginas!

  21. Curvaceous Dee
    Posted January 17, 2010 at 12:16 am | Permalink

    I love you. And I love your vagina.

    xx Dee

  22. Rex
    Posted January 26, 2010 at 6:16 pm | Permalink

    One of the best things that life has to offer is the wonderful smell and taste of a vagina. They are all different and unique, just like the women who own them! My girlfriend wonders about me, because I really prefer her straight from a day of work, rather than scrubbed, coiffed, and perfumed. I tell that it is a natural aphrodisiac, and it is true!

    Now I will admit that I encourage shaving, but for me, it is just so I can actually see the beautiful shape and color and state of arousal better. I am a very visual creature, and the sight thing just compliments my appreciation of the otherwise natural vajayjay.

  23. thepinkpoppet
    Posted January 26, 2010 at 8:32 pm | Permalink

    Very, very good post. This should just about be required reading for all women to hold their "girl card". It took me years and years to realize that I am perfect just the way I am. Thanks.

  24. Adriana
    Posted January 26, 2010 at 10:49 pm | Permalink

    I, too, struggled with vaginal/vulvular(?) acceptance when I was younger. Now, I recognize I look how I look and I smell and taste how I smell and taste. It helps that I'm with someone who enjoys all those things.

    But I wouldn't bash the dyes just yet. I love the idea that I could dye my pubes bright brink, not to cover up a grey or anything.. but just the same way I like to dye my hair.

  25. sweettart
    Posted January 27, 2010 at 3:40 am | Permalink

    First of all – I love sarcsm. I love it even more when it drips and makes ya wet.

    Secondly this was an education. I guess I've been lucky that I've never really suffered from any sort of self-consciousness about my vagina or vulva. I didn't even know there was such thing as pubic hair dyes!!! HA!

  26. Fred
    Posted February 7, 2010 at 9:19 pm | Permalink

    I don't care what you have to do down there ladies but if you want your man to go down on you you BETTER make sure that pussy smells at the least like nothing at all and it tastes like nothing at all.

  27. Bass Man
    Posted February 7, 2010 at 9:34 pm | Permalink

    Fred, Fred, Fred. I feel sorry for you.

    I spent all day yesterday licking my girlfriend off my lips. Every time I did or smelled my hand I had a very content smile on my face and a tent in my pants.

    You're missing out my boy.

  28. Sexie Sadie~
    Posted February 7, 2010 at 11:28 pm | Permalink

    THis is a great post, Brit. I had NO idea that a G-shot existed. I am flummoxed! Why the hell would anyone do that? But I suppose people can be talked into anything when they are shamed into thinking they aren't right the way they are.


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