Relationships of any kind come down to needs. Are the needs that you want met by the sort of relationship you’re in being met by that relationship? And if the answer is no, it’s time to move on. This goes for romantic relationships, friendships, workplaces, and any other kind of relationship that we can have with another person. I am very capable of having D/s relationships that are just that. The person is my Dominant. He is not my partner. I am very capable of having romantic relationships that are just that. The person is my partner. They are not my Dominant. Each of these kinds of relationships have different needs of mine that they need to be meeting. A few weeks ago, I ended things with the Dom that I had been involved with for failing to meet the needs that a fulfilling D/s relationship meets for me. So what exactly are those needs?
I need attention. I’m a needy person when it comes to attention, and oftentimes D/s relationships involve receiving quite a bit of attention from my Dom. Whether He is giving me tasks, checking up on the progress of those tasks, asking to see where I am/what I’m doing/what my plans are, there tends to be a lot of communication and interaction in these relationships. I like that. I like attention and do not like to feel neglected.
I need to be kept in the loop. If someone doesn’t want to give me many details about their personal life, I do understand that. And that is fine. However, I need to have at least a general idea of what is going on so that I understand the situation. For you to tell me that you’re busy and then disappear for days on end, yet never give me even the slightest idea as to what you do or what’s keeping you so busy, it’s hard for me to be patient and understanding to the situation. How can I be understanding of a situation that I’m entirely unaware of?
I need to feel like you have at least a passing interest in knowing something about me. If the only time you contact me is to complete tasks and once those tasks are completed you hang up/go offline/stop texting and I never hear from you again until the next time, I get the feeling that I could be any girl willing to submit to you and that would be fine. I have to feel like it’s *me* that you want submitting. That you wouldn’t want just any submissive. But if you know nothing about me and show no interest in knowing anything about me, I may as well be just any submissive willing to complete the tasks that you have an interest in having someone complete for you.
I need the relationship to be mutually beneficial. I need to feel like my needs are being met in this relationship, too. It can’t be all about you. You can’t only appear when you want something from me and then immediately disappear when you’ve received it. What do I get out of that? If I never receive anything in return, why am I even bothering to complete tasks for you? If I never get any form of reward, even something as small as attention from you, there is no point in me continuing in this relationship because I’m not getting anything out of it. At that point, it becomes you taking advantage of me, and sorry but I don’t play that game.
I don’t think that what I ask for from a Dom is really all that much. You can disclose whatever you want about yourself to me, but at least let me know what’s going on. Check in on me, and not just because you want something. Reward me for making you happy and doing what you ask of me. And make me feel wanted and needed by you. Make me feel like you’re proud of me and that I make you happy. Because as a submissive, that’s my ultimate goal. To make my Dom happy and to make him proud of me. Those needs can be met with just a few texts/emails a day. Of course, they can be better met by much more than that, but I don’t demand or ask a lot. I’m easy to please when it comes to being my Dom.
And of course, the needs that I want met from a romantic partner are similar, yet different. The need for attention, to know what’s going on, to feel like you care about me, for a mutually beneficial relationship, those needs all remain, though in different forms. But there are more needs that need to be met by a romantic partner. Love me. Protect me. Do things for me. Be my friend AND my lover. Respect me. Treat me as an equal. Be my PARTNER.
Ideally, I would love to find a Dominant and a romantic partner in the same person. One single person to meet all of my needs. Someone that wants me to be their slut and their whore, that wants to use to however they see fit, to have me give them complete and total control over my mind and my body. But someone that wants to wrap their arms around me at night and kiss me, to take care of me, to come home to me every night and wake up to me every morning and to be my best friend.
I ended things with my previous Dom because he wasn’t meeting *any* of my needs, submission or romantic. But I also ended things with him because I found someone that meets *all* of my needs. Submissive and romantic. I still have a Dom, but this time He’s more than just that. He’s also my partner. Of course, it’s never as simple as it seems, and time will tell where we go from here. But for the moment, I am happy. And I am fulfilled. And I am content.
All of my needs are finally being met.
I'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
Good Vibes 
7 Comments
You make a lot of good points. Also, congrats!
smiles at you.. much congrats
hugs!
I absolutely agree with you! And I'm thrilled for you too!
I'm so glad you found what you are looking for. I hope it works out with you. That ideal person you described for me is Jess. She's the love of my life, my best friend and someone who can take control of me. I'm not to the level of D/s a lot of other submissive are, but I'm getting there. However at least Jess is having me research D/s so I can find what I truly want. She knows I need to enjoy my submission to a certain extent or else I won't want it.
Anyway, great post and I agree with everything you said %100.
Kara XOXO
Congratulations Britni! you deserve every atom of happiness that's coming your way.
"…make me feel wanted and needed by you. Make me feel like you're proud of me and that I make you happy." You've summed up what I need from DL (even though we don't have a D/S relationship). Friend and lover? Respect? This is what I need from H.
Your post, this situation, has helped me put things into perspective after a good while of trying to understand the nonsexual sides of my relationship.
That you found all these things in one person is phenomenal. I'm so happy for you. And you've made my day for helping me (man, I love the blogosphere!).
I'm so happy all of your needs are finally being met. I'm so happy you've found what you need. I'm also happy that you finally wrote about him.