It’s Time I Let Myself Fall

By Britni TheVadgeWig | Published: August 31, 2009

I’ve put off telling you guys about my new master for several reasons. First, I wasn’t sure where things were going to go. It started off as a friendly thing turned strictly a D/s thing, and I think that is what both of us expected. Second, it’s been much more quick and intense than either one of us ever expected, and it can be overwhelming at times. And third, reality itself is not entirely conducive to us making this work, though we both would really like it to and at this point have decided to try our best to do just that.

I’m still unsure of how much detail I will disclose here. It’s something very personal for me. It’s something very overwhelming and there are feelings that I wasn’t prepared for. Writing about it makes it real. It forces me to admit things to you all that I’m not entirely comfortable admitting to myself. It’s like I told Him, I’m not someone that falls easily. I don’t allow myself to. Because that makes me vulnerable to being hurt, and hurt is something that I’ve been all too often.

I’m a rational, pragmatic person that plays my cards close to my chest. I take my time and don’t rush into things. I weigh the reality of the situation. The pros and cons. The pluses and minuses. I try to make the best decision for me. There’s a brick wall around my heart. I used to be the person that wore her heart on her sleeve, fell fast and hard, and let the people she fell for into her heart fully and completely. But that did nothing but get me hurt, used, abused, and taken advantage of. And I thought that girl no longer existed.

And then I met Him. He talked to me. And the conversation was easy. And nice. And everything continued to be easy and nice, even while it moved forward at what seemed like an uncontrollable pace, much faster than I would ever be comfortable with in any other situation. The easy and nice conversation became littered with more Dominant phrases and tones and statements. And I went with it. I felt like I couldn’t help but to follow along the path that He was laying for me to take. I submitted to Him. And I stopped submitting to anyone else.

There was something about Him that pulled me in, and for some reason I didn’t fight it. Even before I’d gotten much of a glimpse beyond His Dominant side, I was hooked, though I never would have admitted that to myself. Or to Him. Or to you guys. And the more I learned about Him, the more I liked Him. But the more I learned about Him, the more I saw how many obstacles existed. My pragmatic, rational self was telling me to run as fast as I could in the other direction. But I did just the opposite. Instead of running away, I kept stepping closer.

And now I’m somewhere that I didn’t expect to be. I wasn’t prepared for this. He’s everything that I could possibly want. And it’s time that I knocked down that brick wall and I just let myself fall. And so I have. I’m still cautious. I’m still scared as hell. But this time, I’m not running away.

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10 Comments

Southern Sage

Posted August 31, 2009 at 12:02 pm | Permalink

well good luck! I hope it works out far better than you ever imagine!

Nolens Volens

Posted August 31, 2009 at 12:07 pm | Permalink

Here's to you finding it for real and keeping it this time.

Kara and Jessica

Posted August 31, 2009 at 12:08 pm | Permalink

Hi Britni, I'm happy to hear your developing a relationship that's going in a positive direction. I hope it works out well for you. I've always been one of those people that jumps into relationships without looking. Luckily I've never been hurt. Jess on the other hand was just like you. She told me I'm the first person that she "just let go with" and went with the flow. We've been together for over 6 months and things are great. I would say our only difference is we've explored getting to know each other personally first. Now that we've done that we're going to try moving into submission. Since I'm new to D/s Jess felt I should get to know and trust her first.
Thanks for another great post and both Me & Jess look forward to reading whatever you decide to share about this relationship.
Kara XOXO

blueeyedtawni

Posted August 31, 2009 at 12:41 pm | Permalink

it be a helleh of a great ride chicka glad this is turning out good for you ^_^
hugs!

Gray

Posted August 31, 2009 at 2:19 pm | Permalink

Well you know what I've got to say.. Just becareful *hugs* but have fun!!:)

Aurore

Posted August 31, 2009 at 5:01 pm | Permalink

I know how terrifying it is to knock down that wall so I commend you for being brave enough to let your defenses down. Take care of yourself. I hope things work out for you; it sounds like you are off to a good start.

Meg

Posted August 31, 2009 at 7:26 pm | Permalink

I'm wishing you all the best, Britni! I am a romantic, and my romantic heart hopes this works out well for you. <3

Confessor X

Posted August 31, 2009 at 10:03 pm | Permalink

I glad that you decided to share what you were comfortable with in this post. It shows a fragile side that doesn't show often. You're this strong, beautiful woman that is real. Thanks sweetie.

Ms Scarlett

Posted August 31, 2009 at 10:31 pm | Permalink

I think I'm still back at the wearing my heart on my sleeve stage… slightly more cautiously now, but still a romantic at heart.

I'm glad to hear you're jumping in – it sounds like you've thought about this a lot – you're not just wading in blind. Good luck and have fun!!

Amorous Rocker

Posted September 2, 2009 at 11:28 am | Permalink

Good for you for letting that wall down and taking the chance. I'm proud of you and so happy for you.