Loose Associations

I am a very sexual person. This can be a problem when it comes to dating and boundaries, especially with men. People tend to misinterpret this and assume that I’ll sleep with anyone, that I’m a huge slut, or that they can say whatever they want to me. Just because I’m open to talking about it and have some non-typical views on it does not give you the right to disrespect me. The way a guy responds when the topic of sex comes up says TONS about them and whether or not they’ll even have a chance with me.

I don’t mind talking about my likes and dislikes and things, but I talk about sex in a very professional, respectful way. This probably comes from working in an adult toy store and having to be respectful and professional when speaking about sex with customers. When you ask me what my favorite toy is and I respond that I love my Hitachi, it is not okay for you to respond (on our first, second, or third conversation) with, “I wanna watch u use it on urself,” or, “o yea? u cum hard?” Dude. I’m not trying to have cyber sex with you right now! And people don’t seem to get that my tone of professionalism and my cold responses are implying that they are stepping over a line. But working in the field of sex and sexuality has given me the ability to talk about sex in an intelligent way and to be comfortable expressing my views, likes, and dislikes. Since not a lot of women are like that, many people tend to assume that it means that there are no boundaries and they can be disgusting.
If someone approaches the topic in a healthy, respectful, intelligent, and fun way, I’m all for oversharing! But most guys don’t understand that boundary. Once they hear you comfortable talking about sex, they think that take that as their cue to say whatever they want. It’s possible to have a talk about sex, sexuality, likes, dislikes, turn ons, turn offs, and experiences in a way that is strictly conversational and is not meant to turn into a “talk dirty to me” kind of thing. Sex is an important part of chemistry and relationships, and when I’m getting to know someone that I may be interested in dating, why can’t sex be a topic of conversation without it turning into creepy, perverted statements on the guy’s part? Why can’t two adults have a healthy conversation about sex when they are getting to know each other without one of the parties (usually male) assuming that they can bring up inappropriate statements that are all cyber/phone sex-like or assuming that just because a woman is open to talking about sex that it means that she’s going to jump into bed with them and is a huge whore.
Talking about it and doing it are two different things. Don’t assume that because a woman is sexually open-minded and open to discussing sex casually means that she’s ready for you to say gross, disgusting things to her, come onto her, or stick your penis inside of her. Slow the fuck down. Back the fuck off. If you can’t handle talking about sex in a mature and respectful way, chances are that you won’t be hearing back from me anytime soon, and you can almost guarantee that you won’t be getting a date with me.
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  1. {{ d a n i m o }}
    Posted May 28, 2009 at 5:32 am | Permalink

    hear, hear. it's a different matter if you're talking with someone in person and they can reasonably deduct from your behavior and demeanor (above and beyond your words) that you want to discuss matters more fully, that they might have a chance with you somewhere down the line. but if you're trying to find a date online and they bring up sex with you before you imply anything about sex with them, umm, what do they think they're doing? are there really women in the world who find that an attractive quality in a date? even most masochistic types don't like to be degraded and disrespected by strangers. surely online date-seekers must know this! but alas, humanity is a big, dumb fart.

  2. Nelfy
    Posted May 28, 2009 at 8:05 am | Permalink

    Sometimes I read you blog and think to myself 'I'm learning so much'. I don't know why guys are that way, but I'd find it disgusting too. On the other hand, I don't know why some people can't talk about sex in an open, neutral way, without giggling, laughing or making stupid jokes. I get that talking about personal sexual experiences can be embarrassing, but when you just talk about sex in a broad way, I don't get that.

    I don't know why, but to me, being able to talk about what I like(d)/don't like(d) without it leading to sex is the same as actually having sex without it automatically leading to orgasm. It's a nice experience without any pressure.

  3. April
    Posted May 28, 2009 at 9:11 am | Permalink

    I agree that it's disgusting and completely inappropriate.

    Based on this post and a few others, it sounds like you have this problem often. I've tried online dating in the past and had this happen only a few times.

    I'm curious to know how your profiles are set up. If you have provocative pictures posted and you talk about sex/sex toys in your "about me" sections, some guys probably misconstrue that to mean that you are only looking for sex and it's ok to talk to you like that. Because some guys are idiots like that. They'll look over all the other stuff that shows what an intelligent, interesting woman you are and only see sex, sex, sex. I'm not saying that your profile is set up this way because I've never seen it. If it is I'm not saying that it's *your* fault that they're talking to you like this and I'm not saying that you're asking for it.

  4. Welcome to Chicago, Jillinois
    Posted May 28, 2009 at 10:10 am | Permalink

    Totally with you on this. Same goes with walking into a bar and instantly guys you barely know hug you or take your hand or touch you in some way. I HATE that. Just because I'm out or wearing a zexy outfit or talking about sex does NOT give you the right to instantly touch me or say X,Y,Z to me. Respect, dudes.

  5. Change
    Posted May 28, 2009 at 5:24 pm | Permalink

    Its the physical response of your sex talk, leading to arousal, which then leads to wanting sex and all the other things you mentioned. So while i understand what your saying, its easy to understand why it happens. The part your forgetting is the difference in physical response when men hear anything sexual, as opposed to how women respond.

  6. poptrashtart
    Posted May 28, 2009 at 10:16 pm | Permalink

    @ Change- I don't buy it. In fact, I think that's an insult to rational men- you're basically saying that they just can't help it. They can't think logically with their brains when their dicks are hard- and that's just not true. I think it's possible that maybe these men have been conditioned to think that when women talk about sex to them, the women are expecting some sort of perverted response instead of thoughtful dialogue. But that's still no excuse for totally ignoring what someone is communicating with you and instead using it as an excuse to whip it out.

  7. Britni TheVadgeWig
    Posted May 29, 2009 at 10:33 am | Permalink

    Change, I'm sorry, but no. Guys have self-control. Just because they may be getting turned on or start thinking dirty thoughts does not give them permission to be disrespectful and cross all lines of tact and social graces. You aren't giving men enough credit. In fact, with your argument, you could say that a guy couldn't help raping a girl because she was talking about sex and he got so turned on he just couldn't help himself.

    Nope. Control your id impulses and animalistic urges. We're human beings, not animals, and we should have some semblance of self control and manners.

  8. Epiphora
    Posted December 28, 2009 at 5:00 pm | Permalink

    Yes yes yes yes yes and YES.

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