I Love You Just The Way You Are

I knew that posting this was going to get more than one comment regarding the “fat and ugly” comment made by my brother. I was prepared for more than one person to comment and say, “Hey, calling a girl fat as an insult isn’t okay.” And I agree. I knew in posting it that I was going to be called out. But I also hoped that my commenters/readers knew me well enough by now to know that I don’t look down on someone that is fat. That I don’t think fat is a bad thing. That I think fat can be beautiful.

But apparently some people didn’t realize this about me, and called me out anyway. And that’s okay. I’m not mad that I was called out at all. In fact, I feel terrible. I feel like I insulted people that I considered friends. These comments actually made me cry, because I felt like someone that I had always tried to avoid being. Because the thing is, I HATE the fact that women are judged based on their weight or size. I HATE that thin is good and fat is bad. And I disagree with it completely. However, I’m not perfect. None of us are. And I am just as capable as being catty as anyone else. The truth is, I was hurting. And I hurled the easiest insults possible at someone to feel better about myself. Whether my brother said them or I did, the fact is that they *were* said. We are all catty at one point or another. I’m not perfect, and neither is anyone else.
I’m sorry if I offended any of my readers. When the post was being written, I had a feeling that someone would say something. I just hope that you all know me well enough to know that an insult that I bestow on one person because I am hurting does not translate to my view of the entire world. I’m so, so sorry if anyone took offense to that.
And if we are going to be on this subject, I’d like to take a minute to address another kind of comment that I don’t want to tolerate on this blog. If I post something and you think the person is unattractive, that is fine to say. However, using “she looks like a man” as an insult is NOT okay. It’s an insult to women, and especially transwomen, everywhere, on several levels. First of all, it implies that looking like a masculine woman is unattractive. And the truth is, you have no idea how hard that person has worked to look as feminine as they do. What if they were born male and this is the most feminine they’ve ever looked? Or what if they *want* to look masculine? “Feminine” is not a compliment and “masculine” is not an insult when it comes to females. Calling someone a “man” or a “tranny” or a “dude in a dress” is not something that I want to tolerate on this blog. Whether someone is a female born woman who doesn’t fit our societal definition of femininity or a male born woman who is trying her hardest to fit into our societal definition of femininity, or someone doesn’t *want* to fit into our societal definition of femininity, someone’s gender expression does not deserved to be mocked. 
I have no problem with you feeling that someone featured on this blog is unattractive. If you think they are too thin, too fat, too “masculine,” or have any other criticism, that’s fine. You are more than welcome to voice that. But let’s try to do it in less offensive ways. And that includes me, not just my readers. I want my blog to be a place of acceptance, where everyone can feel that they are loved and are beautiful just the way they are, even if not everyone else agrees.
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  1. Sa
    Posted May 26, 2009 at 3:38 am | Permalink

    Hey Britni, I noticed that insult as something completely out of character for you, which says a lot about your openness and generosity. We all make mistakes when we are vulnerable. Thanks for clarifying and have a great week.

  2. Red
    Posted May 26, 2009 at 4:10 am | Permalink

    The only point I want to make is that the insult was slung at the wrong person. Its not her fault that he's an asshole.

  3. Britni TheVadgeWig
    Posted May 26, 2009 at 4:14 am | Permalink

    Red, while part of your point is correct, you have to remember that she has been a friend of mine for over 10 years, and she looked me in the face and promised she would never do that to me. And then she did. So I have a right to be angry at him for many things, but I also have the right to be angry at me for lying to me to my face and betraying my friendship as well.

  4. Red
    Posted May 26, 2009 at 4:18 am | Permalink

    You're right. Cut 'em both out…cancerous as they are. Easier said than done? Sure. Necessary for mental/emotional health? Probably. Any of my business? Nope, not really.

  5. Welcome to Chicago, Jillinois
    Posted May 26, 2009 at 9:03 am | Permalink

    But why wouldn't you hold him up to the same standards that you do her? It seems you are so upset that she would tell you she would never do X, and then she did, so you cut her out of your life and no longer consider her worthy of your friendship. Totally fair. But why not do the same to him?

    There once was this douchebag who had a gf and cheated on her all the time, they were constantly on and off. One of the girls he cheated with was my good friend. It was wrong of my friend to cheat when they were on, but he was constantly telling her "You're the only one that understands me," "When my gf and I make love, I think about you," etc. She should have cut it off early, he wasn't gonna be healthy enough to give her what she wanted from a bf. Long story short, they broke it off but the gf found out. Who do you think she went after? My friend. She wrote her a huge email about how it's ok for bf to make mistakes, because he's got issues, had a bad childhood, whatever stupid excuses she could make. But how DARE my friend be so low? You and my bf could NEVER have what WE have.

    Funny how she could be so empathetic, caring and forgiving to the dude, but completely overlooked that maybe my friend was hurting too, was being fed these same lines by the bf to make her feel special, that she was his victim herself. No, it's easier to demonize the other woman. In fact, you MUST demonize the other woman if you're going to justify staying with the guy.

    I say we must hold people up to the same standards. Why should lovers be held to lower standards than friends? Shouldn't they be held equally, if not HIGHER?

    Wow, this was long.


  6. Meg
    Posted May 26, 2009 at 9:40 am | Permalink

    Brit–I'm a fat girl and the "fat and ugly" actually walked right by me. I didn't even think about it. I know you well enough now to know that you don't think these things of people, and I didn't find it insulting. You were quoting your brother.

  7. April
    Posted May 26, 2009 at 10:21 am | Permalink

    I don't understand why anyone outed YOU for that post. YOU didn't say it. YOUR BROTHER DID! Are people thinking you're wrong for not saying something to your brother? Well you're not. He wasn't necessarily calling the other girl fat, he was just telling you that the definition of fugly could mean fucking ugly or fat and ugly. Maybe he thought she was fucking ugly and not fat and ugly. Who knows? And really, he said it to make you feel better. I'm so damn sick and tired of people being SO OVERLY SENSITIVE to things. And this is ridiculous because YOU DIDN'T SAY IT and you didn't even agree with him. If anyone has a problem, they should take it up with your brother.


  8. Eliot
    Posted May 26, 2009 at 10:24 am | Permalink

    Aw, now, I didn't mean for you to cry, sugar. I really was just curious to read your reply. Hell, I've used fat as an insult! Oh, look, it's the pot calling the kettle porky! lol

    Like you said, no one is perfect. And we're not going to be accepting of everyone all the time. It's impossible, and I'm not entirely sure it's ideal. Our personal feelings sometimes get in the way. But that's cool because we're human.

    Btw, I got your e-mails, and I will reply to them just as soon as I'm more fully awake.

    Lots of love heading your way, darling.

  9. Kat
    Posted May 26, 2009 at 10:24 am | Permalink

    Hey Brit, I often follow your blog and I can definitely relate to what you said. I have been in your position many times and although a comment like that is cruel, you said it because you were hurt and looking for some sort of relief. You apologized and it's honestly no big deal! We all have the tendency to say things like that, especially when there's men like the bruiser around!

    XO* Kat

  10. Eliot
    Posted May 26, 2009 at 10:29 am | Permalink

    April: Although she didn't use the insult herself in that post, she has used it in a past post, and this latest one just reminded me of that. So, while I wasn't necessarily outing her for that particular post, it was the catalyst that led to my comment. I suppose I could take some blame for still being a bit sensitive about my weight, but I didn't call her out for an apology, I was wanting her take on how she reconciles her conflicting viewpoints. I had a feeling it was just an insult, but I wanted her to expand on her use of the word as an insult.

  11. April
    Posted May 26, 2009 at 11:25 am | Permalink

    Eliot: I have been reading this blog for quite some time now and I've never read any post where Britini has been nothing but a fat-positive person. She's posted several posts with pictures of over-weight people and how we should celebrate them. So I'm curious to know which post you're speaking of.

  12. alana
    Posted May 26, 2009 at 12:07 pm | Permalink

    Hey I’m fat and I didn’t think anything of it, but it’s nice of you to take the time to apologize for something someone might have been hurt by.

    I think that’s where April is missing the point. It doesn’t matter if you’re generally fat positive. If you say a comment that hurts a person’s feelings, it’s proper to apologize. It doesn’t cost you anything and it shows the high level of your maturity. I am sure those people who made the “she looks like a man” comments didn’t think they would be hurting any specific person’s feelings. Does that make their comments any more of less acceptable? I think not.

    So thanks.

    And I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but I thought Welcome to Chicago made an excellent point.

  13. April
    Posted May 26, 2009 at 12:27 pm | Permalink

    Alana, I think you're missing the point, Britini didn't make the comment. So it was VERY unfair for anyone to say anything to HER about HER making the comment.

  14. alana
    Posted May 26, 2009 at 3:05 pm | Permalink

    I was just about to argue that this is her blog and she has sole responsibility for what she decides to post or not (just as it's mine on my blog), but I don’t think it’s necessary and I don’t want to argue about it.

    Sorry if you don’t agree, but I still give mad props to Britni for taking the time to reassure her readers she didn’t mean anything hurtful. Even though I wasn’t offended, it’s nice to know that if I was she would genuinely care. It’s nice is all.

  15. April
    Posted May 26, 2009 at 3:50 pm | Permalink

    Alana: I wasn't trying to argue with you. Nor was I trying to argue the point of what she decides to write about on her blog, as that's not what I'm talking about and it's really not relevant. I was saying that although it was a nice gesture for her to apologize, it was unnecessary. Why? Because she did not make the comment.

    You wrote in your last comment, "If you say a comment that hurts a person’s feelings, it’s proper to apologize." I completely agree with that, and I practice it as well. However, people's feelings (not yours) were hurt by what Britini's BROTHER said. She didn't say it.

    Yes, she wrote that it's wrong for her brother to have said it. But I think she's being entirely too hard on herself. People read that post, blew it completely out of proportion, and came down on her like it came out of her mouth. She has been nothing but an open-minded, completely positive person in every way when it comes to people of different sizes, sexes, genders, religions, races, etc. (she loves everyone!) So when I read these comments in which people were coming down on her for something she didn't say or even agree with, it bothered me.

  16. Eliot
    Posted May 26, 2009 at 6:07 pm | Permalink

    April: I've spent some time going through her archives as I do not remember exactly which post, but I can't find it. All I remember is that it was some time ago. Anyway, it was another one of those catty insults flung at a girl an ex of Britni was dating. As Britni explained in this post, her cattiness has nothing to do with her viewpoint regarding fat people in general. I understand where she's coming from so it's all good.

  17. Lori D
    Posted May 26, 2009 at 7:54 pm | Permalink

    This is why I call it MY blog. People can go f*** themselves if they don't like what I write, though I do my best not to hurl slurs in my writing. I love your blog because you're not afraid to speak your mind. It's goddamned refreshing.

    …and as for getting called "dude" or gendered male, it's nothing I haven't heard before. Only those I have respect for matter.

  18. {{ d a n i m o }}
    Posted May 28, 2009 at 6:03 am | Permalink

    i definitely saw your reaction to the "fugly" comment as simply honest. i know how out of character it is for you to say or not correct a comment like that. i know how fat-positive you are and, believe me, i think you do an extraordinary job of combating the media and society's hateful attack on the female body. i thank you for introducing me to blogs like fatshionista and fat-positive articles and being so keenly aware of your privilege as a thin woman. you are truly a rare gem.

    i also understand this came at a time you were hurting. i had to say something about such an unwonted post, though, if nothing else to keep you on your toes as i expect you'd do for me. people like us are so damned brilliant and educated (*snort* i'm so modest for us ;P) and we're casually expected to know everything about everything and never have the tiniest fuck up. that's a lot of pressure and sometimes, you just need a little help from your friends; i know i do. :)

    i was actually surprised to see someone comment that one of the vile excuses for a human being you blogged about recently "looks like a man." i'm glad you addressed that without calling anyone out or criminalizing them, and i'm glad you explained your point so well. kudos!

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