I may be the luckiest woman in the world. My boyfriend is more understanding than I could ever have expected anyone to be. We’ve been having a total lack of sex lately, and it makes both of us feel like crap. He does everything he can not to push or pressure me or make me feel guilty, but I still feel like The Worst Girlfriend Ever. The other night, after yet another rejection of his delicately wandering hand, I broke down.
I rolled over and explained to him what it was like for me. I told him that my whole body recoils when I feel him touch me in a sexual way, but it’s not that I’m not attracted to him. I told him that sometimes I do feel a desire for sex, but I’m so thoroughly exhausted that just thinking about the energy it would take to roll over and have sex for 20 minutes doesn’t seem worth it, and so I don’t. I told him that I didn’t recognize my sexual self anymore and that it scared me because I didn’t know what was wrong.
That’s when he threw down an offer: take sex off the table for at least a month. Every night, we’ll just make out—nothing else– for several minutes before we go to sleep. Eventually, maybe we’ll incorporate groping into it, but we’ll let it progress naturally. No expectations, no pressure. I guide the progress, and I decide where it goes and how fast we move. It’s all up to me, and I don’t have to fear that kissing will make him think that we’re going to have sex (which is what I had been feeling, so I’d even been avoiding kisses any deeper than a peck).
I couldn’t believe what had just come out of his mouth. Who was this man? How is he even real? How could he be so perfect? What did I do to deserve this? I don’t have the answers to those questions, and I don’t even care. All I know is that I have him in my life, and he’s willing to work with me on this sex thing until we find a solution. He has the patience of a saint, and for that I could just… well, we’ll start with giving him a big ol’ kiss and see where it goes from there.
I'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
Good Vibes 
6 Comments
What a great idea to take the stress off the situation for awhile. A few years ago I went through a period where my libido flagged. I found an herbal pill that I took and it helped. I can’t remember the name now, but I looked online and there are quite a few that must have reviews about them available. Also, there is a new arousal gel for women that I think I will try if my libido declines again. I have heard good things about that product. The other thing I do now is read erotica on a regular basis. If you are going over sexy scenarios in your mind, very often your body wants to be on the same page. Try it!
This is actually pretty standard sex therapy advice (See for example ‘Let me count the ways’ co-written by Marty Klein.) He may have read it on a sex advice website or in a book somewheres.
Yeah, I know that but I’m more grateful that he’s understanding and willing to work with me and even bring it up first.
I’m so glad you have someone this understanding in your life.
Hugs…
It’s good that he’s so understanding right now….and I know it’s hard to communicate when even you don’t know wtf is going on. But just put that above even kissing.
It’s not easy dating someone with this sort of disability/condition. Sometimes hubs and I go *months* without sex…but I kinda view it different from you. You’re still somewhat “new” whereas we’re an old married couple, lol. But yeah….my sex drive can be mostly just gone for weeks and weeks on end, nobody can bring it out. Masturbation and orgasms on my own are quick, to-the-point and more for the end result than anything else.
This happened to me after I had Holden. Even know I can go a solid week without thinking about sex. Ryan is super understanding too and it really helps. I’ve found that even if I’m not in the mood, I get in the mood rather quickly. It’s just that space between thinking about it and doing it that I struggle with. I wish I wasn’t like that, but I don’t really know what else to do. Good luck.