How to Guarantee That I Will Never Sleep With You Again

In regards to my squirting:

“It was pretty hot and it definitely turned me on, but it was really messy. Could you maybe not do it so much next time?”

FAIL. There will now definitely be no “next time.” And people wonder why I was so insecure about it for so long.

But! It gets worse! He then let me know that I could do porn if I wanted, because squirting is quite the asset to have if you’re a porn performer. He even offered to be my agent/manager! I let him know that I was not interested in doing porn. His response?

“What a waste of talent!”

DOUBLE FAIL. Thanks for playing, though!

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  1. ParadoxNo Gravatar
    Posted September 7, 2010 at 12:08 am | Permalink

    Ugh, I hate it when people are assholes after you’ve already had sex with them. It’s like they retroactively didn’t deserve it. Taints the whole experience, no matter how awesome in bed they were.

  2. Mr MNo Gravatar
    Posted September 7, 2010 at 12:37 am | Permalink

    What an idiot!
    It’s a gift from you to him, and he should have treated it like one.

  3. Mr MNo Gravatar
    Posted September 7, 2010 at 12:39 am | Permalink

    Oh….neglected to mention…..never be ashamed of that.
    It’s beautiful.

  4. EpiphoraNo Gravatar
    Posted September 7, 2010 at 2:01 am | Permalink

    So much fail. “could you maybe not do it so much next time” just cracks me up. Like he’s trying to be nice about it but actually is just failing so miserably.

  5. ElodieNo Gravatar
    Posted September 7, 2010 at 2:19 am | Permalink

    He’s an idiot. How would you even control that? Better yet — why would you want to?

    I’m working hard at trying to relax enough to squirt regularly. Because it’s HOT.

  6. CO_SubNo Gravatar
    Posted September 7, 2010 at 3:38 am | Permalink

    I had a similar reaction from a guy once, who was positively sure I was peeing on him. I tried explaining to him about squirting, but when he still just gave me the “sure babe, what ever you say” look, I stopped seeing him. My current boyfriend absolutely loves that I squirt, and I can see how it turns him on every time it he makes it happen for me, so now I totally love being able to do it!:)

  7. MortalNo Gravatar
    Posted September 7, 2010 at 6:27 am | Permalink

    Well, it is messy…

    • alanaNo Gravatar
      Posted September 7, 2010 at 1:05 pm | Permalink

      I agree with this, but you don’t ask someone to stop a normal bodily reaction. You just invest in a waterproof blanket or a few spare towels. I’m not gonna lie, I’d be pretty irritated if I wasn’t warned (I like to be warned with men as well), but asking a woman to stop squirting is like asking a man to stop ejaculating. Not cool.

      • Britni TheVadgeWigNo Gravatar
        Posted September 7, 2010 at 4:50 pm | Permalink

        For what it’s worth, I always warn my partners ahead of time, because I know how jarring it can be if someone doesn’t know it’s going to happen.

    • ElodieNo Gravatar
      Posted September 7, 2010 at 6:43 pm | Permalink

      Anyone who has a problem with “mess” needs to just not have sex.

  8. macNo Gravatar
    Posted September 7, 2010 at 9:58 am | Permalink

    I wonder how he’d feel if he had to make less “mess”.

    Do NOT stop, or curtail. It is a wonderful thing ! :-)

  9. key stoneNo Gravatar
    Posted September 7, 2010 at 10:52 am | Permalink

    Hey just get a male escort. Your sex positive and support sex workers. U can set up boundaries ahead of time with time limits too

  10. Outspoken CliticNo Gravatar
    Posted September 7, 2010 at 11:38 am | Permalink

    Ew. This dude is gross.

  11. Sophie DelanceyNo Gravatar
    Posted September 7, 2010 at 12:23 pm | Permalink

    “Could you maybe not experience so much pleasure? You know, maybe try inhibiting your sexual response and refraining from your natural reactions… Unless it’s going to make me rich and famous! Then go right ahead. Just not on my sheets.” What. A. Jerk.

  12. twgNo Gravatar
    Posted September 7, 2010 at 12:38 pm | Permalink

    God, so put a towel down. What a jerkoff.

    And the porn thing? What the fucking fuck?

  13. Jess ManifestoNo Gravatar
    Posted September 7, 2010 at 1:23 pm | Permalink

    That’s like asking if he could make his cock less hard next time. Fail.

  14. voyeur36No Gravatar
    Posted September 7, 2010 at 6:09 pm | Permalink

    Surely if you make someone squirt, thats a compliment. Good for you Brit

  15. Nell GwynneNo Gravatar
    Posted September 7, 2010 at 7:01 pm | Permalink

    bwahahahaha. My ex (who is an MIT alum) dumped me because I “made too much noise” during sex and “got too wet”. Yes, there are ways to deal with wetness/squirting (towels: a great invention!), but asking a partner to not do it is such an epic fail.

    • ElodieNo Gravatar
      Posted September 7, 2010 at 8:16 pm | Permalink

      Enjoying sex makes you a big ol’ yucky slut, dontchaknow.

      Okay, seriously, where are these guys from? Neptune? They don’t sound like any earthlings I’ve ever met.

  16. subsarahNo Gravatar
    Posted September 7, 2010 at 11:49 pm | Permalink

    What an idiot. It took me ages to learn to be comfortable enough with my body to squirt, my ex didn’t like it so I took great pleasure one night in squirting all over his pillow.

    Then he got the boot.

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