The Best Dating Site Message in the History of Ever

TWG forwarded me a message that she got on, and it might be the best thing I’ve ever read in my life.

Subject: The Longest, Most Interesting Email You’ll Ever Read *laughs*

Message: Hi *smiles* My name is Pete. I’m writing because my curiosity was piqued by your profile and was wondering if perhaps we could get to know each other a bit.? *politely* Now, before I go on, I have only one thing to ask of you. Please just give this note one full read before you decide whether or not to respond? *VERY politely* So, if you’re willing to share with me a few minutes of your time, you may want to print this off, get yourself a highly caffeinated beverage and curl up on the couch *teasing*

Hopefully you’re still with me *smiles* To start, I’m a 33 year old CPA (certified public accountant) from Vermont (one of those little states in the upper right hand corner *laughs*). And, well, this online thing is a bit of a journey for me. That is, I am on a “quest for true love”, which is why I am searching beyond my “local area”. I realize that brings up the distance question, too. I realize you may not feel the same as me, but I see that as something which can be overcome *politely*

I suppose you might be interested in what I look like. I do have pictures available to send, but for now let me tell you that I stand approx. 6’1″ at about 220lbs. I have a broad / athletic build (like a linebacker, but with a neck *laughs*). Additionally, I am in the process of making several “self-improvements”, including working on getting myself in the best shape of my life (learning to skate to play hockey, etc.). I had Lasik and no longer require glasses!! *BIG smiles* But I want to stress, I am doing these things for me, not to “make myself more attractive” *sincerely* I say that because the best part of me is one which cannot be seen in a picture.It is my heart. Incidentally, and this is also going to let me know if you actually read this *laughs*, if you respond to me and ask for a picture, I will cease correspondence with you. I realize that probably makes me seem like a big jerk, but you know, there are several reasons for my taking this approach. First, if somebody’s focus is more on the physical then on my heart, then she is not the girl for me. Looks are ever so fleeting. It doesn’t matter if I look like a troll or prince charming. What matters should be my heart. Second, what I have found is that, for the most part, those people who simply respond with a request for pictures tend to be very young people, or people who are otherwise misrepresenting themselves, and “trolling” the internet for pictures. So, hopefully you will respect my position and agree that there is a better time to exchange pictures, after we are both more comfortable with each other *politely, sincerely*

I am the youngest of 7, and a VERY proud uncle of 18!! *BIG smiles* I have an awesome family and incredible friends!! Like I said above, I’ve been extremely fortunate in my life, but not just financially. I consider myself so fortunate, so blessed, to have the family and friends that I have.

For a job. Hmmm. Well, as I mentioned above, I am a CPA. I currently working for a management firm, where I do management, accounting and consulting for subsidiaries of very large corporations. It affords me compensation which might be received in a larger city, but allows me to work in a beautiful, smaller city (close to several very large ones, though, which I love to visit!). I am considering some changes in the specific company I work for, but not too big of a change.

Well, what else? Oh, in case you hadn’t figured it out, I am a hopeless romantic and do believe in true love, though not the “fairy tale” kind. I believe in REAL true love. The kind where toilet seats get left up and dishes aren’t always put away. The kind where life isn’t “perfect”, but where two people are perfect for each other. I want to find that love where I wake up in the morning next her as she sleeps, no makeup, messed up hair, etc. and just smile. Knowing I’m the luckiest guy in the world! *sincerely* I probably shouldn’t get started, because I could go for hours on this topic *blushes*

Other things about me? Well, since my profile is “hidden” (and shall stay so), I thought maybe I should tell you a little about me. The best way to describe myself is as a contradiction in terms. That is, as I noted above, I am a hopeless romantic and believe in true love. But, I also have THE most active libido in the world! (though it is only shared when my heart is “in it completely”) I love to be active (sports, etc.) and could be found driving in the winning run on my softball team or heating the game winner at the buzzer. But you could also find me sitting quietly in a coffee shop reading philosophy *sincerely* I can, and would, defend your honor, but I’m not afraid of sappy movies or even crying at them! *smiles* I am far from perfect, but try to be the best person I can be.

Who am I looking for? This is probably the easiest and most difficult question to answer. At it’s essence, it’s easy. I’m looking for my “lobster” *smiles* Sorry for the reference to “Friends”, but the way that was said on the show just puts it all in perspective. I’m looking for that girl who just makes me smile. Who has a truly good and kind heart. That’s it. The more difficult part is probably less relevant. The key is her heart. But I wouldn’t mind if she loved to travel, but also loved to snuggle up with a good movie or just to talk with a fire crackling in the fireplace *smiles* (WARNING: I am the world’s best snuggler *grins*) I guess it might be nice if she liked to get dressed up in a little black dress to go out, but can also do the jeans and t-shirt, too (I’m a jeansy kind of guy *laughs*) Hmmm. It might be nice to be able to sit and have long talks about important issues, knowing that even if we don’t agree we still listen and try to learn from each other; and know in the end that we love each other. I don’t know how to really explain all of this. I want my partner, to share life with. Someone who would love even without all the extraneous things. “Material” things are not me. I am looking for someone who will appreciate me. Does that make any sense at all???

Wow. I hope that beverage was REALLY caffinated!! *laughs* Maybe you should go for a re-fill? *teasing*

On one hand, I don’t know what more to right. On the other hand, what I’ve written to introduce myself only scratches the surface. When it all comes down to it, I’m just a decent guy with a (hopefully) pretty good heart who wants to find the woman that I can keep happy (and vice versa) for the rest of our lives. I guess I’m hoping that, maybe, just maybe, this note has piqued your curiosity enough to take a chance and get to know me a little and let me know a little about you *sincerely* So, with that, I will thank you for reading this and I look forward to hearing from you soon *smiles*


PS – I hope I didn’t bore you too much *laughs, teasing*

There. are. no. words. Except: FUCKING. AWESOME.

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  1. SatNo Gravatar
    Posted August 6, 2010 at 1:12 pm | Permalink

    At least he was “righting” *sincerely*.
    Damn, I only get the unfunny ones. THIS WAS AWESOME.

  2. MegNo Gravatar
    Posted August 6, 2010 at 1:34 pm | Permalink

    Good fucking God.

    So, in other words, he’s butt-ugly. Sorry, but the whole essay-within-the-essay about the photo thing? He’s been burned too many times.

  3. twgNo Gravatar
    Posted August 6, 2010 at 1:53 pm | Permalink

    Right? I forwarded this to everyone I knew. I love how there’s absolutely no reference to me or my profile in it, and that even though I posted pictures, I’m shallow and wrong if I ever, ever ask for any. *vomits*

    • TobeyNo Gravatar
      Posted August 6, 2010 at 5:50 pm | Permalink

      If you responded, I hope all you wrote was “Do you have a pic?” *laughs* *big smiles*

  4. SkyddsDrakeNo Gravatar
    Posted August 6, 2010 at 2:08 pm | Permalink

    That was just too precious for words…

  5. sophie2229No Gravatar
    Posted August 6, 2010 at 5:17 pm | Permalink

    20 bucks says he spams this out since there wasn’t ONE specific reference to a girl’s profile

  6. frenchNo Gravatar
    Posted August 6, 2010 at 11:16 pm | Permalink

    Okay, so I’m not the only one who’s a little creeped and “bzuh?” over that? Okay good.

    Because seriously (or is that *seriously*?), bzuh?

  7. PrettyPrettyPrincessNo Gravatar
    Posted August 8, 2010 at 11:07 am | Permalink

    Sweet baby jebus.

    I agree with the comments that this is a generic email he sends out.

    I also think that the only suitable response is one that points out that if he wants to stay true to his no pic principles he should only message people who also don’t have profile pics.

    He’s also clearly crazy. So. fucking. crazy. I wouldn’t trust this man around my CAT.

  8. arielNo Gravatar
    Posted August 10, 2010 at 5:28 pm | Permalink

    This is nothing short of amazing…and terrifying. I’m now heading to my OKCupid inbox to compare it to the weird gems I’ve been saving in there…

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