I Get the Feeling This Guy Talks A Lot…

The world’s most long-winded and totally odd/pointless initial message. Enjoy:

Hello there. You seem like an interesting character. Let me tell you a story.

When I was 19 I dropped out of college in Western Mass and moved to New York City on a whim. It was a great idea. I was still young enough to think I was invincible, and crazy enough to make it work. Having grown up in an extraordinary rural setting, the city was everything I ever wanted out of life. I immediately set out to find work and kick ass.

On my third day there, I was out job hunting with the buddy who had moved with me. We had taken a break to have some breakfast and sit down for a bit. I was enjoying my street bagel, chatting away and getting some too hot city sun, when suddenly, a shadow fell over me. Looking up, I made eye contact with my very first street crazy. He took this as an invitation to speak, and asked me what I considered to be an alarmingly important question.

“Conan, what is good in life?”

Now, there are many things I don’t know. How to parallel park, or make an omelette among them. But I knew the answer to this question. I knew it without even thinking.

“To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of the women.” I responded. It’s the only right answer you see.

At this moment, the eyes of this homeless man seemed to clear. It was as if he had been wandering the streets of Manhattan for years posing this question to passers by, and either being ignored or not hearing what he needed to. He emphatically agreed with me and left, possibly possessing a clarity he had not known in some time. I like to think that he remembered his way home, took a shower, and reunited with his family. Or strolled over to NYU to see if his credits had started to expire yet. Ten years later, I still want to believe I saved that man, merely by having seen Conan the Barbarian an untold amount of times.

My life isn’t always that interesting these days, but it still has it’s moments.

This is the demonstrating I read your profile portion of the event.

I happen to feel as though the Oxford comma has had it’s time, and now must go quietly into the night. I find myself constantly at war with a lot of my friends over this issue, but what can you do?

I appreciate you like baseball, but I’m originally from New York, and bleed pinstripes. It’s very uncomfortable every time I cut myself.

If you believe there’s a such thing as a vodka martini, we seriously need to sit down and talk about cocktails. Trust me, I’m an expert.

We seem to appreciate a lot of the same media. I have no real follow up statement to that, but I do think it’s swell.

Alright. This was super long. I must go and try to find a job now.

How do you even respond to that?

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  1. Jess manifestoNo Gravatar
    Posted August 6, 2010 at 12:15 am | Permalink

    Heh, actually I think he sounds interesting at the very least. I’d meet him.

  2. SapioSlutNo Gravatar
    Posted August 6, 2010 at 12:22 am | Permalink

    Marry me and have my babies?

  3. To InfinityNo Gravatar
    Posted August 6, 2010 at 12:45 am | Permalink

    “My life isn’t always that interesting these days, but it still has it’s moments.”

    I wish my life was as interesting as his used to be.

  4. DamianNo Gravatar
    Posted August 6, 2010 at 12:50 am | Permalink

    “The Oxford comma has had its time.” The man is an idiot.

  5. BobFNo Gravatar
    Posted August 6, 2010 at 6:34 am | Permalink

    There is an art to how we open a conversation online. Not sure there are any rules, per se, but this one could have used a bit more editing. For me, it is important to demonstrate that I can think and write in sentences longer than two words and that I have taken the time to read the profile. I have little show for the effort, however. :(

  6. twgNo Gravatar
    Posted August 6, 2010 at 10:11 am | Permalink

    Hahaha. I’m sending you my horrible long email. It’s worse. Feel free to post it.

  7. HugoNo Gravatar
    Posted August 6, 2010 at 10:18 am | Permalink

    The last sentence covers all you need to know, Brit.

  8. Outspoken CliticNo Gravatar
    Posted August 15, 2010 at 5:55 pm | Permalink

    OK, this is hilarious because I was recently with my cousins who had just watched Conan the Barbarian and we spent all day walking around going “Conan, what is best in life?” in the weird voice.

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  1. By The Best Dating Site Message in the History of Ever on August 6, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    [...] forwarded me a message that she got on Match.com, and it might be the best thing I’ve ever read in my life. Subject: [...]

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