Something. Anything. Nothing.

I brush my teeth too hard, intentionally drawing blood. I gag myself while brushing my tongue.

Anything to feel something. Something to feel anything.

The water in the shower is way too hot. It scalds me, turning my skin bright red. I don’t turn it down.

Anything to feel something. Something to feel anything.

I masturbate too many times. Each successive orgasm hurts worse than the last. It’s too much. I’m in tears.

Anything to feel something. Something to feel anything.

It’s cold and raining outside. I go out without a jacket or an umbrella. I’m wet, shaking, pathetic.

Anything to feel something. Something to feel anything.

I bring home a boy from the bar. I can’t remember his name. “Hit me. I said hit me. Harder. Again.”

Anything to feel something. Something to feel anything.

A bottle of wine. A bottle of vodka. Empty.

Sometimes it’s best to just feel nothing.

This entry was posted in BDSM, Depression, Self Medication, Soul Searching. Bookmark the permalink. Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.


  1. SaNo Gravatar
    Posted August 26, 2010 at 1:29 am | Permalink

    This is really powerful.

  2. that girlNo Gravatar
    Posted August 26, 2010 at 11:38 am | Permalink

    heavy feelings. i like.

  3. RayneNo Gravatar
    Posted August 27, 2010 at 12:07 am | Permalink

    I completely understand this feeling.

  4. wendianaNo Gravatar
    Posted September 10, 2010 at 11:22 pm | Permalink

    i know this feeling so very well. something to feel anything. Absolutely brilliant, thank you for writing this. it’s exactly how i feel. Exactly.

    and when i can’t find another to help me feel something, i cut. Anything to feel something.

    Thank you Brit, this is an epiphany for me. I just could never put it into words.

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