It hurts more than they say it will. Not physically, but emotionally. You may love the other half of it, but you can’t let yourself, nor can you tell him. Whether it’s what you want in the long run or not, you’re not a monster; thinking of it as a parasite is a temporary fix. But you know it’s more than that. Would it have been a little man? Or your little girl?

You hate yourself for making the choice that you did, but you know you didn’t have another. You could have told him about it, but you knew it was the only thing he wanted in the world. And wouldn’t it suck for the person you loved to be with you because he loved your accident and didn’t really love you? Yes, it would suck. You know you want someone that wants to be with YOU, and have it be because they love you, not because of what accidentally happened.

Little person, please know that Mommy loved you. Daddy did, too, even though he didn’t know you existed at the time. Because now that Daddy knows you existed, he hates Mommy so much. He doesn’t realize that Mommy did what she did out of love for both of you. And please know that because Mommy loved you, she did what she thought was best for you. That doesn’t mean she’s forgotten you, though.

I still love you, baby. I hope you know that.

This entry was posted in My Body My Choice, Soul Searching and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.


  1. Curvaceous DeeNo Gravatar
    Posted July 5, 2010 at 4:53 am | Permalink

    *hugs* So very many *hugs*.

    xx Dee

  2. KittieNo Gravatar
    Posted July 5, 2010 at 5:58 am | Permalink

    I’ll just send a huge, huge bunch of hugs.

  3. Jess ManifestoNo Gravatar
    Posted July 5, 2010 at 8:45 am | Permalink

    Wow. I didn’t see that coming.


    • Britni TheVadgeWigNo Gravatar
      Posted July 5, 2010 at 12:01 pm | Permalink

      I didn’t, either. It kind of snuck up on me.

  4. TragicNo Gravatar
    Posted July 5, 2010 at 8:56 am | Permalink

    I’m so sorry Britni. Some can, and some can’t, some of the time and sometimes not at all. I couldn’t either, and I cried and I completely lost myself for a year. Please don’t crash, you aren’t alone. Some people understand, and some don’t, but you are worthy and you did what you needed to do. Please, just hold on and stay strong. You are never alone.

  5. Sophie DelanceyNo Gravatar
    Posted July 5, 2010 at 10:15 am | Permalink

    Wow, Brit. This was really sad. I still think of mine, even though it was very very long ago. It does get a bit easier over time, but there’s a part of me that will always feel how describe in this post. As much as it hurts, it was for the best.

  6. AuroreNo Gravatar
    Posted July 5, 2010 at 10:39 am | Permalink

    I can’t imagine how hard it was to make that decision, even knowing it was best for everyone involved.

    You are a strong person and I admire you for sharing this with us. Take care of yourself.


  7. AnnabelleNo Gravatar
    Posted July 5, 2010 at 12:19 pm | Permalink

    *hugs* :-(

  8. MortalNo Gravatar
    Posted July 5, 2010 at 12:57 pm | Permalink

    I’m just a random poster on your blog.
    But I think you made the right choice.

    • Britni TheVadgeWigNo Gravatar
      Posted July 5, 2010 at 1:00 pm | Permalink

      I know I made the right choice.

      • MortalNo Gravatar
        Posted July 6, 2010 at 6:04 pm | Permalink

        That’s the most important thing.
        I’m so sorry this is happening though.

  9. MaxieNo Gravatar
    Posted July 5, 2010 at 1:01 pm | Permalink

    I still hate myself for both of mine. It’s been fifteen years, and I’m married to the man who was the father, but we don’t have children. It’s affected me so badly I don’t believe I deserve them.

    I have nightmares too.

    Sending so many hugs and so much love.

    • KittieNo Gravatar
      Posted July 5, 2010 at 1:53 pm | Permalink

      Oh Maxie, it is fine to feel sadness and maybe even remorse once in a while, but hating yourself for these decisions is unhealthy. Nobody should bear that alone. Have you ever thought of counseling to deal with your feelings?

      I send another bunch of hugs your way. We all deserve to be happy and to be loved, especially by ourselves.

  10. quizzical pussyNo Gravatar
    Posted July 5, 2010 at 1:14 pm | Permalink

    This is so honest and beautiful. Thank you for sharing it. It’s so obvious you did make the choice out of love.

    nthing all the hugs.

  11. SamanthaNo Gravatar
    Posted July 5, 2010 at 1:30 pm | Permalink

    Oh Brit…I’ve often thought that I would also make the same choice if I had to decide, and I know that it wouldn’t be easy…but that it would be probably be the right option. If you feel like you made the right choice, then you did…and as the above poster wrote, most definitely with love. *hug*

  12. MargaretNo Gravatar
    Posted July 5, 2010 at 2:04 pm | Permalink

    This completely breaks my heart.
    So much love for you, hun. So much love.


  13. BlaizeNo Gravatar
    Posted July 5, 2010 at 4:34 pm | Permalink

    Mine would have been 23 and 20 by now. But they’re not. Thank you for posting this.

  14. NelfyNo Gravatar
    Posted July 5, 2010 at 5:52 pm | Permalink

    I’m sorry you have to go through this! *Hugs*

  15. MoonshineSunlightNo Gravatar
    Posted July 5, 2010 at 8:17 pm | Permalink

    I think I love you for posting this. It’s so brutally honest and pulls at my heart like a lot of things don’t. You really are amazing.

  16. MegNo Gravatar
    Posted July 6, 2010 at 12:12 am | Permalink

    Just a simple hug. (((Britni)))

  17. Nell GwynneNo Gravatar
    Posted July 6, 2010 at 6:15 pm | Permalink

    *epic motherfucking hug*

One Trackback

  1. [...] doesn’t want to be with them never realize that this is not a good reason to have a baby and make the logical decision to terminate their pregnancy [...]

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *


You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Subscribe without commenting

  • This site contains adult content and is not intended for anyone under the age of 18. Under 18? Click here:


  • Britni TheVadgeWig

    PhotobucketI'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
    Photobucket Photobucket
  • Because I Am a Shameless, Broke-Ass Bitch

    All donations are welcome, of course! You can always buy me something off my wishlist, as well.

  • Get Yourself Off

    Good Vibes PinkCherry Sex Toys Love yourself. Everyday. Tickle. Photobucket ER-150x250-1a_3 / JT's Stockroom
  • Photobucket
  • See My Writing At

    Photobucket Photobucket
  • Watch Them Get Off

    visit Photobucket visit
  • The What

  • The Who

  • Go Back In Time