It hurts more than they say it will. Not physically, but emotionally. You may love the other half of it, but you can’t let yourself, nor can you tell him. Whether it’s what you want in the long run or not, you’re not a monster; thinking of it as a parasite is a temporary fix. But you know it’s more than that. Would it have been a little man? Or your little girl?
You hate yourself for making the choice that you did, but you know you didn’t have another. You could have told him about it, but you knew it was the only thing he wanted in the world. And wouldn’t it suck for the person you loved to be with you because he loved your accident and didn’t really love you? Yes, it would suck. You know you want someone that wants to be with YOU, and have it be because they love you, not because of what accidentally happened.
Little person, please know that Mommy loved you. Daddy did, too, even though he didn’t know you existed at the time. Because now that Daddy knows you existed, he hates Mommy so much. He doesn’t realize that Mommy did what she did out of love for both of you. And please know that because Mommy loved you, she did what she thought was best for you. That doesn’t mean she’s forgotten you, though.
I still love you, baby. I hope you know that.