Men, beware! There is a predator on the prowl, and she’s only after one thing: YOUR SPERM. Forget wanting a relationship or sex or friendship with you. Nope, she just wants your sperm to fertilize her egg because all women are BABY CRAZY and only have one thing on their minds: HAVING BEBEHS. Luckily, Ask Men can help you spot these potential predators so that you can avoid being used for your man juice, lest you end up with an unwanted offspring running around somewhere. BEWARE: “SPERM-JACKERS” ARE OUT THERE, AND THEY ARE AFTER YOU.
The first one is obvious: The Lesbian. Yes, the man-hating, turkey baster-toting dyke.
She doesn’t like men. No, sir. She’s into women. However, somewhere along the way, the lesbian realized that while she won’t want you, she’ll need you — or at least your sperm. She may come out directly and ask for your contribution via fertilization or the old-fashioned way.
But as much as lesbians hate men, they still NEED men. A woman cannot get by without a man, even in some regard. And most lesbian couples clearly don’t use sperm banks or adopt children! No, they trick you into sleeping with them so they can get pregnant! You know, the “old-fashioned way.” Because lesbians are totally cool with engaging in sex with someone they’re not attracted to just to get pregnant, instead of using the many other options for obtaining a child that DON’T involve a good deep-dicking. Maybe if you’re lucky, she’ll invite her partner to join in.
There’s also The Girl Running Out of Time. You know, the desperate, crazy woman whose biological clock is tick-tick-ticking away.
She’s a dangerous one because the Girl Running Out Of Time is looking for the “just-add-water” family. Bed you, sperm-jack you and then start picking out the house, the fence and baby names. The relationship train has passed her lots of times and she is looking to derail the next locomotive coming by.
Look out, guys! This woman has been single waaay too long, so she’s gonna try to get knocked up and U-Haul your ass into a marriage you never wanted. The “relationship train” has passed her by, and since all women past a certain age that are still single MUST be desperate for a husband and a baby, this one is “dangerous!”
Then we have The Trapster.
She is out to get you and her web is a nine-pound, seven-ounce ambush. You probably know this girl from back in the day and moved on for whatever reason, but she’s still stuck on you. The Trapster still wants you and she’ll flirt and seduce just to get your sperm. Sperm-jacked = baby, and baby = you trapped forever.
The crazy bitch that just. can’t. get over you, so she plans to trick you into being with her by getting pregnant! We all know that the best way to get someone to date you is to have their baby. Women that get pregnant by someone that doesn’t want to be with them never realize that this is not a good reason to have a baby and make the logical decision to terminate their pregnancy instead!
Something tells me that the type of men that read Ask Men end up dating the type of girls that read Cosmo. Just a hunch.
I'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
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15 Comments
Where do you find these gems?
This one came from someone on Twitter. Usually, if I’m unsure what to blog about or feeling masochistic or in the mood to get ragey, I’ll just head on over to Cosmo or Glamour or Ask Men. Their entire websites are made up exclusively of crap like this.
I guess they never saw the stats about how men are actually more okay with oops pregnancies than women are, huh?
Wait, I *thought* that my only purpose in life was to trap a dude in a relationship! Because all I want is a relationship, right? Now you’re telling me I *don’t* want a relationship? My poor widdle lady brain is confused.
Oh, thank GOODNESS. I was getting really worried about being SPERM-JACKED. Oh my god. Sperm-jacked. I can’t take it.
Also, I’m surprised you didn’t write about #5, Miss Independent. ‘Cause it’s you. You hate men!
I always wanted to have a kid with a man who DID’NT WANT TO HAVE A KID WITH ME. It just sounded so…fun!
That last line is completely spot on. It’s no wonder that the people who read these magazines and take this advice SERIOUSLY have completely fucked up relationships and don’t know how to act around people. Magazine advice is completely disconnected from reality; it all exists under the assumption that all the stereotypes and bad things about both genders (because only two genders exist in these kinds of magazines, usually) are absolutely true and that’s something you have to overcome to be in a relationship. It turns relationships into war zones and that shit just ain’t healthy.
Re: us just wanting to have BEBEHS. I was talking to my boyfriend the other day and he was SO SO SURE that all women want to be mothers. I was like um, no, not really. He said that it’s something like… our mission? And that when you’re a mom you know that it’s the right thing? But I can’t think of any good examples to show him how in reality it’s just an imposition on us and not all women want to be mothers or need to have children to feel like they have a fulfilling life. Care to help?
Boyfriend is a great guy, except when he gets bigoted and anti-feminist (in some issues, like this one).
I can be your example. I have no maternal instincts whatsoever, I hate children, and the idea of pregnancy/motherhood freaks me out so badly that I go into neurotic depressions when I think about it and the fact that SO many women are under the impression that they HAVE to have babies some day. I like being not pregnant so much that contraceptives make me horny (that might sound like a joke but I’m being totally serious when I say it). This is the kind of art I make when I think about motherhood: http://zesty4515.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d27ifaa
I have nothing against children, but I do not want babies. I have never thought a baby is particularly “cute”, and being expected to “aww” over them annoys me. I’m 33. My biological clock is supposed to be tick-tick-ticking. It’s not. And I don’t have to deal with birth control because my fiance and I are both so sure we don’t want kids, he got a vasectomy.
I never wanted babies, I never liked babysitting, and I have no desire to be a mother.
I hate Ask Men so much. Every single article I’ve read on that site is vile, stupid and sexist. They make me wonder if any of their writers has actually met another human being. One of their articles is what led to my rant about how all women are not submissive on my blog.
Yup, Ask Men readers + Cosmo readers = idiots incapable of rational thought, must live on stereotypes.
~~@~~
Hmm, I didn’t know Lesbians hate men. I just thought they found them to be useless fuckers.
Very good post. Dangerous women in our world. But so beautiful …
My sperm is ready to go
I really hope that the CosmoGirls and AskingMen do date each other.
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