Fear and Loathing

I stared at the screen and felt a wave of terror wash over my body. I looked over my shoulder to make sure no one was there. It was a feeling I hadn’t felt in over a year and a half. Looking at the screen, I couldn’t take my eyes off of It. Sitting in my inbox was His Name. The one I’d worked so hard to stop seeing in my nightmares. The one that, even after all this time, still sunk my heart to the pit of my stomach. The one I thought I’d finally freed myself from. But abusers never really go away, do they?

I didn’t open the email then. I couldn’t. I let it sit. I opened my inbox every 10 minutes, just staring at the message, terrified of what it might say, but infinitely curious to find out. And, so, I clicked.

“Hey! I was sorting through some really old stuff and found messages from you. I realized that we hadn’t spoken in a long time and wanted to see if all was well!”

How could something that sounded so benign and friendly have such sinister intentions? Such a negative effect? I didn’t reply.

Two days later came the next one, and the real reason he had contacted me was made crystal clear.

“I thought I’d let you know what I’m up to! I’m working for Some Company in Some City, Massachusetts. Allison and I broke up recently, and I’m single for the first time in years. It’s weird. How’s your love life?”

I read his intentions loud and clear. Allison, the other girl who’d been a victim of his abuse, had finally left. She’d stayed in his grasp much longer than I had, though there’s no guaranteeing how long I would have been there if my mother hadn’t forced me to move across the country to get away from him. He’d lost control of his victims. He needed to try and get some back.

Then came the Facebook friend request. I thought I’d blocked him, but it turned out he had created a new account. I don’t know if it was just to find me or if there was some other reason, but I know that I have no desire to find out.

“I’ll be back down in Florida in a couple months, when [my best friend] heads down for work. Maybe we can meet up?”

No, no we can’t meet up! Why does he keep terrorizing me? When will he go away? When will I wake up without the fear of seeing his name in my inbox? On my Facebook? Sending me an IM? Will I ever wake up without that fear?

This entry was posted in Griping and Kvetching and Bitching, It Felt Like A Kiss, Relationships, Soul Searching and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.


  1. MaxieNo Gravatar
    Posted July 8, 2010 at 9:52 am | Permalink

    Do NOT let him take control. No matter how it happened, you’ve broken the cycle. You are strong enough to keep it that way. You have a life now. You have reasons to say no, to stay away. And you will be able to.

    Always have faith in yourself. He has no power over you.

  2. twgNo Gravatar
    Posted July 8, 2010 at 10:10 am | Permalink

    Two things, one funny, one serious.

    1. This also reminds me of the friends of mine who get involved in these sort of weird friendships with guys they really like but who don’t want to date them … so the guy will maintain exactly as little interest in them as he can to keep them around. It’s so manipulative and sketchy, and you have to wonder how they are to girls they’re actually interested in?

    2. That picture reminded me of the jewelry commercial where the girl is scared of thunder (really, btw?), and then the guy gives her a ring and says, ominously, that he’s right here, and he ALWAYS WILL BE. CREEEEEPYYYYY.

    To wrap up, though, it sucks that he wrote you and I’m sorry you had to deal with it.

  3. Outspoken CliticNo Gravatar
    Posted July 8, 2010 at 11:09 am | Permalink

    This still happens to me, three years after getting away. I don’t have any advice, since I don’t know how to deal with it myself, but I understand.

  4. EpiphoraNo Gravatar
    Posted July 8, 2010 at 4:05 pm | Permalink

    What a fucking moron.

  5. DJCinSBNo Gravatar
    Posted July 8, 2010 at 5:38 pm | Permalink

    All I can say is “What a jerk.” Hang in there.

  6. JM BlackNo Gravatar
    Posted July 24, 2010 at 3:58 pm | Permalink

    You might consider, rather than counseling, self-defense training. I’m not talking about some local karate club (most of which are worse than a waste of time).

    Instead, take a look at IMPACT, an international non-profit dedicated to teaching people how to defend themselves physically and emotionally. (“No one should have to live in fear.”) Here’s a link to the L.A. chapter’s website: http://www.impactpersonalsafety.com/

    Might be what you need; might not. Just want you to know that there are options to living in fear/dread/anxiety.


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