I’ve been DVRing Sex Rehab With Dr. Drew, and I’ve finally pushed “Play” on the first five episodes. It’s amazing. Seriously, intense and amazing. It’s one of the most real things I’ve ever seen on TV, and I’m actually having some pretty intense reactions to it. Sadness, for the people on the show and for myself, has been the prominent one, but after the most recent episode, I’m angry. Every single girl on the show has been raped, molested, or victimized in some way. Every one of them. One of the males made a statement, thinking it was flirting, that he was going to “rape the shit out of” one of the girls. He said that he was “trying to bring joy” to her. And after she, rightfully, expressed the scary feelings and rape flashbacks that the statement brought her, he blames her for her reaction, and is scared she is going to “poison [his] food” or “cut [his] balls off.”
If that one scenario isn’t a perfect representation of society as a whole, I don’t know what is. Every one of the women has been victimized, most often by males. The males think it’s okay to say wholly inappropriate things to the female. The male sees his rape statement as something that will bring joy. And when she gets upset about the statement, he gets angry with her. He thinks it should have been okay, because she’s been flirting with him for weeks.
I want to scream at the TV right now. I want to scream at the world. I want to throw something against the wall. Men think it’s their right to take what they want from women, to victimize us. That it’s okay to make cat calls at us on the street, to call us names, to objectify us and harass us. That’s supposed to make us happy and feel good when they say those things to us. If we get upset, we’re overreacting.; we’re just a “bitch” or “can’t take a compliment.” It’s our fault that they raped us because we came on to them/flirted with them/wore a skirt that was too short/insert bullshit excuse here. And fuck that.
It’s not okay to treat us like objects. We’re actual people. We don’t exist strictly for men’s pleasure. They can’t do whatever they want to us and with us. They have no idea what it’s like to live in a world where every male is a potential rapist. Where every day when they leave their house they’re most likely going to be subjected to sexual harassment. Where the person that was their boyfriend one week can become their rapist the next. It’s not fucking fair and it’s not okay and it’s not easy and it’s not fun and it’s fucking exhausting. And it never goes away, because it’s ingrained in our society.
I don’t hate men. In fact, in many ways, they’re victims, too. They’re victims of the society that they grew up in. Their behaviors are learned. They’re taught that it’s okay to treat women that way, and that they can say X, Y, and Z and it’s okay. That they can disguise sexual harassment as “flirting” or “harmless” and laugh it off. That nothing is wrong with those actions. But there *is* something wrong with it. It’s why rape jokes aren’t funny. Because making light of rape and making jokes about it excuses it and makes it okay to laugh it off. And while I can sit here and recognize that the behaviors that men exhibit are learned, I still want to say “fuck you” to every man that’s treated me like a piece of meat. Fuck you for not respecting my “no.” Fuck you for thinking that you had a right to say those things to me, even after I told you you didn’t. Fuck you for not seeing me as anything more than something for you to objectify. I don’t care that you didn’t know any better. I don’t care that you didn’t realize what you were doing. It still isn’t fair and it isn’t right and I hate that we live in a society that treats it as such.
So today, I’m angry. I’m really. fucking. angry.
EDIT: Hubman has written a response to this post. Go check it out.
If you’re interested, or have been watching the show, Jennie Ketchum, the porn star formerly known as Penny Flame, has been writing a great blog about leaving porn, finding herself, and overcoming her sex addiction. It’s called Becoming Jennie. She also tweets. I think she’s absolutely amazing. Jennie, not Penny (though she was, too).
Photo source.
I'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
Good Vibes 
33 Comments
"Men think it's their right to take what they want from women, to victimize us."
Not all men, thank you very much.
This is why there's no effective dialogue between men and women about this sort of thing – because one side or the other always lumps an entire gender into one category.
That just alienates and infuriates the members of that gender who are actually open to discussing the problem and attempting to solve it.
Every man is a potential rapist? What, for the simple fact that I have a cock, I'm a potential rapist?
Ditto what ChampagneandBenzedrine said…
And the fact that men don't validate our feelings and allow us to express anger just reinforces the dynamic. The first step in opening up a dialogue is acknowledging that I have a right and a reason to feel this way.
And I acknowledge that men are a victim of this society as well.
And Hubman, yes, unfortunately, every man is a potential rapist. Why don't you ask women who have been raped how many of them knew and trusted their rapists. Both of my sexual assaults were perpetrated by men I knew well and trusted. And when you even have to be wary of people that you don't think you have to be wary of, yes. It doesn't mean that every man could rape me, it means that I never know which men will and which men won't.
And when I say "men" I'm saying "males, as a whole, in this society." Just because you happen to be the exception not the rule, you take it like I'm talking to you directly. What is it about what I say that causes you to get so defensive? Instead of taking it as a personal attack on YOU, step back and look at the whole picture and see if I don't actually have a point in regards to the way men, as a whole, in this society, treat women.
Of course you have a right to feel as you do. I fail to see how our comments suggest otherwise.
What makes you think I'm defensive? I'm just questioning your broad generalization of all men as potential rapists.
Britni, whichever way you spin it, you made a categorical statement about ALL men and that is an offensive and inaccurate generalization.
As for the 'all men are potential rapists' thing – that's one of the worst-written pieces of feminist dogma going. As I wrote in an earlier blog posting:
"If there's one item of outdated feminist dogma I have issues with, it's the phrase: "All men are potential rapists."
As a man, I can report that this is categorically untrue. And in the defense of whoever penned that nugget of nonsensical wisdom, I don't think that's the way they intended it to be taken, either.
No, not all men are potential rapists. However (and this is what I think the original author intended to say) a potential rapist could be 'any' man.
Serial killer Ted Bundy, for example, managed to get away with committing 30 murders and countless rapes by exploiting the fact that he was a clean cut, 'nice' guy who most people couldn't possibly imagine being a rapist or killer.
Any man could be a potential rapist. This doesn't mean that all men are potential rapists."
Seriously, if you make generalizations that are offensive, don't be surprised when the people you're generalizing get offended.
I've never been sexually assaulted so I'm sure my experiences have shaped me diffently.I wanted to say that I understand your anger, because often I feel the same way-angry that men make me feel scared when I'm walking home late by harassing or screaming lewd insults. It's not OK to treat anyone with so little respect for their feelings.
However I don't think of all men as potential rapists, maybe because I haven't experienced someone close to me switching sides and becoming a rapist. I do however see myself and other vulnerable people (such as children or homeless men) as potential victims to others. Even if one man in a hundred would ever rape, one of the more vulnerable would be his victim in all probability.
I hope this show isn't bringing back too many painful memories for you. I think anger is the best way to deal with this, because any assault, any violence, any rape is outrageous.
Britni,
I just wanted to say thank you for this piece. I watch the show too and feel so sad for those women because of what they have been subjected to.
And I agree that all men are potential rapists, but they are only potential rapists because of the society we live in. It's sad that American society has the gender dynamic that is does, but hopefully once people start listening to people like you (who express their views) it will start to change for the better.
Hellosaraid: "And I agree that all men are potential rapists, but they are only potential rapists because of the society we live in."
Could you explain that statement?
Are you clumsily trying to say (as I wrote earlier) that any one man could be a potential rapist – but most aren't.
Or are you honestly suggesting that every single man living in American society – including myself, Hubman and any other man reading this – has the capacity to force a woman to have sex with him without her consent, – or would be able (emotionally or physically) to have sex with a woman who was in a condition in which she couldn't give consent.
Because as Hubman and I are trying to explain, that's not only categorically untrue, but it is ENORMOUSLY offensive. To answer Britni's question of 'why we're taking this so personally' it's because you are, not-all-that-indirectly, accusing us of being rapists (albeit ones who haven't committed rape.)
Britni's got every right to be angry and offended at a society that seems to condone rape – but she can't claim that every single man victimizes and abuses women, because that's not true.
C and B, I'm not saying that every man is capable of, and may, rape me. I'm saying that I have no way of knowing which men will and which men won't, no matter how well I think I know them. Therefore, I have to treat every man as a potential rapist because I have no way of knowing if they are or not.
Hi Brit,
If you've been a victim – especially of somebody you trusted – it's entirely understandable to be cautious of all men (to consider them a Schrödinger’s Rapist, to quote Pheadra Starling.)
I don't have a problem with that concept (I mean, I consider all Pit Bulls as dangerous, because it just takes one chomp to change the owner saying 'He doesn't bite' to him saying 'he's never done that before.' It doesn't mean all Pit Bulls are dangerous.)
Likewise, it doesn't mean that men ARE all rapists – and that was what you said in the main body of your post, and implied by what you wrote afterward.
You're in a delicate position because you normally lead the charge in calling people out on 'indelicate' writing (like with Toy With Me's blog, and not without good reason) so people hold you to a higher standard than other bloggers.
Yes, I took this post 'personally' because you included me in the group of people you were attacking.
I was saying the same thing that Britni just clarified. Also, I feel that American society teaches men to be so hyper-masculine that sometimes they overact and thus rape a woman. I think standards and expectations for males in American society need to change in order for rape to stop happening.
You seel, Hellosaid, I think that's TOTALLY untrue. Men don't 'overreact' when they rape a women, or 'accidentally' rape a woman. They make a conscious decision to have sex with a woman without her consent.
What you write implies that it's society's fault, and not the fault of the rapist. THAT'S the thinking that opens up the other 'grey' areas and allows victim blaming to come into play (maybe he 'overreacted' because she was flirting with him.)
The only person to blame for rape is the rapist. There's no 'grey area' surrounding rape. A rapist KNOWS what he is doing is wrong and doesn't care.
THIS is why Hubman and I found what Britni wrote so offensive, since she was implying that we would be capable of committing something that we clearly and objectively know is wrong.
If you wrote that 'all men are potential rapists' because the vast majority of sexual assaults are committed by men, why don't you go the whole hog and say all African Americans are potential urban criminals, because (by the flawed statistics of a racist country) the majority of urban crimes are committed by African Americans.
I'm not saying it's not their fault, but I also think there is something that pushes men to rape a woman other than carnal desire, and that might be the fault of current society.
I'm not saying they don't know what they are doing. I'm not saying they think that "well, it's okay, my society is fucked so I can just rape her." I just think it is a factor just like anything else.
I don't believe my statements are anywhere near racist blanket statements like the one provided about African-Americans.
But I'm in no way implying that you and Hubman are capable of raping a woman, or would. You're reading something into the "all men are potential rapists" thing that isn't there. We're not saying that ALL men *would* rape. We're saying that we have no idea which ones will, and statistics show that it's *more* likely that I'll be raped by someone I know, so I have to TREAT every man like they are one.
Say you would never rape me. John Doe would, under the right opportunity. But I have know way of knowing which one of you would or would not, so I'm taking just as much of a risk, say, platonically sharing a bed with you (the non-potential rapist) as I am by platonically sharing a bed with John Doe (the actual potential rapist). Therefore, I have to be suspicious of you, even though you don't deserve my suspicion. Does that make sense? That's what the entire "every man is a potential rapist" thing is about, not that ALL MEN would rape someone.
When your first boyfriend roofies you, your good friend fingers you when you're passed out drunk, and your ex-boyfriend/friend rapes you, you start to think that anyone is capable of it, because it seems like they are.
Given your experiences, you've got every reason to feel that way.
As for "all men are potential rapists" – it's an inadequate phrase. If every time somebody uses it, they get a ton of angry comments and have to explain what they meant by it (which means something different to what it actually says) than I think it's time to retire that particular phrase.
"A potential rapist could be 'any' man" is a much clearer, more accurate explanation.
It's sad that there's generally no dialogue between men and women about this sort of thing. It's phrases like that which put men's backs up and lead some of them to dismiss feminism as 'a bunch of man-hating kooks' when they actually have a legitimate (if poorly explained) point that men SHOULD be taking on board.
Hellosaraid: "I don't believe my statements are anywhere near racist blanket statements like the one provided about African-Americans."
No, it's a blanket sexist statement.
But in your defense, I was just preempting the perennial 'if you said that about blacks it would be racist' post that ALWAYS appears in this type of discussion – like this one:
http://toywithme.com/sexuality/squirting-grosses-me-out/#comment-18176
It's like the inevitable comparison to Hitler and the Nazis that all political discussions eventually denigrate to. I think it generally means the thread has 'jumped the shark.'
Now Britni's explained herself, I'm a lot happier. I have NO trouble saying that women are allowed to treat all men as if they COULD be a potential rapist – that's sensible.
It's really offensive, however, to outright say that ALL men think it's their right to victimize women.
And even if that's not what she meant, that's exactly what Britni wrote:
"Men think it's their right to take what they want from women, to victimize us."
Britni was just making an emotional, angry rant and forgot that a lot of people in this community are very sensitive on certain issues. She's got every right to complain about living in a society that seems to think jokes about rape are 'okay' – but blaming society in general is different to personally blaming everybody in possession of a Y chromosome.
As I wrote earlier, because of some of the admirable stands she's made in calling out offensive stuff on other blogs, I (and many others) hold Britni to higher standards than other bloggers.
I do not think all men think it's their right to victimize women. My societal statement was intended to cover the men that do think it's their right — they might have been influenced by current society in their behavior. But as I said before, that does not mean they don't hold the blame.
Britni – you have every right to be angry. Rage on. Say what you want to say. Vent it.
I see both sides of this discussion, and both have value and are valid.
But, sometimes it's necessary, though possibly not politically correct for every one of your readers, to just get it off your chest, to be heard, to be validated. So go for it. I hear you.
I like Raven's comment.
I know I was the first person on here waving the 'I find that offensive' flag, but generally we are all OVERLY sensitive in this community and perhaps we'd all be advised to take people's blog posts with a pinch of salt.
I know I'm especially sensitive to criticism of what I write because I make stands like this. It's less easy to write whatever the fuck you want – the essence of good writing – when you're trying to censor yourself to stay in your audience's 'good books.'
You really came across well in your responses to these comments, Brit (Toy With Me take note – this is how you positively deal with criticism.
Great post Brit (of course this is coming from a man-hating feminist). You said it perfectly – all men are potential rapists to women because all women can potentially be raped. I understand why some people may be offended by that sentiment (though they should imagine what it’s like for a woman to have to come to grips with it herself), but it doesn’t do us any good to teach women that they should only be cautious in bars or walking down alleys at night. I get why someone may be uncomfortable with the phrasing, but that doesn’t negate the unfortunate truth of it (I hate the phrasing “pro-life” but that doesn’t invalidate the position).
I agree that people on both sides can get defensive, but I have a hard time accepting some men’s almost hypersensitivity to conversations about rape (though I’m not saying I think anyone is specifically being hypersensitive here). I shouldn’t have to explain to some men why making rape jokes aren’t okay and it’s called “rape culture” for a reason.
All people are potential murderers. You might be murdered by someone you know, man or woman.
I went and watched that episode. It made me cry. It made me angry too, what that guy said, and how he was trying to brush it off like it was just badly worded, rather than DEEPLY MESSED UP.
Of course, as has been pointed out, not all men are rapists or abusers. Plenty of them are not. My boyfriend, for example. But too many men are. Rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse are not rare, and as a survivor, this makes me angry. And that doesn't even include sexual harassment, which is even more prevalent. I first experienced that in first grade from a classmate. FIRST GRADE! This isn't just a handful of unfortunate weirdos, this is a serious and widespread problem. Too many men think it's okay to do these things, and too many men think it's funny to joke about them. It's not okay, and it's never funny. And I think society as a whole is far too excusing of the attitudes and behaviors that lead to these things.
I think the comment about murder is out of place here. Sexual assault is MUCH more common than murder. The number homicides and drunk driving deaths COMBINED from 2001-2007 in the US (201,140) is less than the number of sexual assaults and rapes JUST in 2007 in the US (248,300). That's more than 7 years of murders and drunk driving deaths to equal a year of sexual assaults and rapes. And if you take out the drunk driving deaths…just think about it.
I saw this episode too, Brit. My boi and I were having a passionate discussion right along the lines of your post. I can't count how many times I've heard the phrase "I'd rape the shit out of that girl" this year. It's being said by creepers and good friends of mine alike. It's been said by one of my good male friends who wouldn't hurt a fly.
The point is that this is the new "I'd fuck her for DAYS" comment. It's "popular" now. And it's meant to be 'flattering' girls are supposed to blush and feel sexy when this phrase is said.
No…not every man has the capacity for rape…but when "I'd rape the shit out of her" is uttered by every kind of man, it's kind of hard for a woman to feel safe.
Yes, there are a ton of wonderful men in the world who treat women with the respect they deserve. HOWEVER, there is just no denying that it is socially acceptable to talk about and treat women like sexual objects. I'm sure all you super awesome men out there know men personally who've spoken about women in a demeaning manner, and I'm pretty sure you all didn't jump to the women in question's defense. But maybe you did…and that's more awesome than I can even communicate.
Anyway, when a person's post title is "I'm Angry" I think we should all recognize that the post will be slightly biased by said anger.
Fuck right, she's angry…we should all be so angry about this!
Much has been said already and I don't want to comment on what others have said, but just want to pick up on a couple of factual pieces of information.
A bit about me first. I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse and rape as an adult woman, I'm also a psychologist & therapist who's worked with women survivors of rape and sexual abuse as well as studied forensic psychology, sex offending in particular in order to work with sex offenders. So I guess I see the 'issue' from a lot of different perspectives.
The two main points I want to pick up on are:
1. Males are sexually abused in childhood nearly as frequently as females (some would argue moreso) in the country in which I live, this is not the case worldwide. Males are also raped, however the reporting of a male being raped is far less common than a female being raped. I'm not stating the obvious to in any way negate the female experience or power dynamic in 'Western' society, I just want to remind people that experience of rape is not isolated to women. Men are just much less likely to disclose and/or report.
2. Women sexually abuse and rape. Again, I'm not stating the obvious to negate the reality that the vast majority of sexual offences are perpetrated by men – not in any way shape or form. But for me when we look at sexual offending from a gender perspective in terms of male perpetrators and female 'victims' we perpetuate the idea that female sex offenders do not exist, they do exist and in higher numbers than I guarantee most readers here realise. Focusing solely on male perpetrators allows female perpetrators to fly under the radar and therefore continue to be unsuspected, unwatched and offend.
So in effect, both men and women are 'technically' capable of rape, it is possible for both men and women to be raped – a penis is not a requirement for sexual assault. The reasons why men & women sexually offend are very complex and varied, some are treatable and some are not. That's a different days work and a near endless argument in terms of the efficacy of treatment & diagnosis of particular disorders etc.
x
I haven't seen that episode yet, but wow. I am angry too. I'm always angry when rape is thrown around like that, especially when it's thrown around as if it's a compliment. *shudder*
And, Britni, you're right. About everything.
Hey, i'm pretty sure i have never commented before, but have been reading for a while. This post really struck a chord with me today, as I was dealing with this issue this past weekend. After having a couple drinks, I was given a ride home by a couple guys that I trusted. Needless to say, they wouldn't keep their hands off me and trying to get into pants and being grabby. I finally had to scream to let me out of the fucking truck. When I went to another friend for support, I was told it was my fault because i had flirted. I'm not sure what made them think they could do it, or least of all try, but man it didn't feel very great, and I couldn't even look at him in the store today.
To all the women that commented, DMed me, or sent me personal emails telling me that this post touched you in some way, or that you can relate, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that it's something like this that can create a common bond among one gender of people.
Sex Warrior, thank you for your comment. I do want to clarify that I was in no way implying that men were *not* victims of sexual assault or sexual abuse, or that women were never perpetrators of it. Both of those things are completely true (remember, I, too, am a therapist who deals mostly with sexual assault and trauma!).
This post was meant more to serve as a comment about our society as a whole, and the way women are treated by males in society at large. Not just the *rapes* per se, but the cat calling, the groping on subways, the blatant objectifying. These are all symptoms of a much larger underlying problem.
However, you do make a good point in reminding people that it isn't just female victims and male perpetrators. Either sex can be a victim, and either sex can be a perpetrator.
Rock the fuck on, Britni.
Under what rock have I been living that the phrase "I would/could/want to rape the shit out of that chick" has become de rigeur as an expression of desire?
Rape is not, I repeat, *NOT* an act of desire, lust, sexuality or love. Rape is an act of violence and control and dominance, (not to mention insecurity and inadequacy).
The disconnect that is happening here is not one of men = predator, women = prey. The disconnect is in teaching respect and value for everyone. Britni is angry because we are living in a society that has given boys (and some stupid men) the idea that "rape" is frivolous and hip. Sadly, I believe it is hard for most men to truly internalize the enormity of the possibility of being a victim of sexual assault because it is something that, mostly, happens to women. Most men weren't taught by their mothers to cross the street when walking alone at dusk to avoid a man coming in the opposite direction in order to protect themselves against the possibility of being dragged into an abandoned building/alleyway/whatever and raped. Men, in general, aren't being kidnapped and sold into sexual slavery around the world. By and large, women are the victims of sexual assault.
I do not believe that any man *could* be a rapist. I understand the problem that good, honorable men have with that generalization. But what I say to you guys who feel insulted by such a blanket statement is this — rather than get upset at the generalization being (on its face) wrong, maybe consider why women could accept this statement as truthful or, at the very least, likely…(which, by the way, I believe Hubman and C & B have done here — I'm just saying, in general…)
brit…just because u never had a decent men in your life, doesnt mean that there are no decent men at all..
maybe you should also look in the mirror…u r peice of shit, so..u meet men who are also piece of shit..
most of the men and women are decent and yeah..most women have no problem with men…some clueless pyscho like you have this stupid imagination where all men are rapist..anyways…!!!
Oh, excellent, just when I thought reasonable discourse had been had by all, along comes a douchebag to remind me that while all men might not be potential rapists, some people are extremely capable of being hypocritcal slime balls.
Dark’s opinions are not unlike that which I would expect from a perfect rapist candidate. Of course his profile is not public because it makes it much easier to express his freedom of speech. He is free to do so.
Today, I joked about objectification on twitter, but this and entitlement, to me, are the real problems we ALL need to work on. Whether it is the guy in the monster truck that jumped the curb to get around traffic at the light today, the pretty blond who parked in the handicap spot because no one calls her on it, or the free speaker above, thinking they have a right beyond others. This is basically what we were supposed to learn is not true in kindergarten 101.
I am guilty as the next person of objectification and entitlement. I gawk profusely at women, although I try to be stealthy. I feel entitled to drink from the coffee pot at work before it’s done perking, stealing the heart right out the batch (ok, I have worse examples, but this really pisses my co-workers off, and I don’t care)
I had a friend show me pictures of a party where a friend got drunk and they took pictures of his penis with a plastic Godzilla. It was SO funny, at the time. Was it rape? Probably. My first thought? NEVER get too drunk with these folks, after I too laughed like a frat boy, I might add. Then I wondered if he got mad after, or was too embarrassed to object to the violation.
Sex is sex. Women have it. Men want it. We all use it.
Any of these examples would be different if the person who controlled it told us it was ok to do so. Who could do so without permission? Anyone, you never know. When your car gets robbed, your faith in humanity goes down a notch. It is natural. Do you get alarmed when the guy standing by the car is upset when he sees you lock the door? You bet. My life experience is different than yours. I see things differently. We all do.
Dark, I would be the excrement you speak of. Your post speaks for itself.