I was talking with someone from high school that actually used to be a very good friends. We hung out all the time, and I took his virginity our senior year. We were talking about stuff and I mentioned having a rough few months, as was he. He asked if I knew of any therapists in the area, and I sent him some resources mentioning that I was looking for one, too. He probed a little, and it came out that I had been trying to cope with the aftermath of being raped by myself for about 6 months now, but it was no longer enough and I needed to try something else. The following conversation then ensued (my comments and ranting are in italicized brackets):
Him: did you report it?
Me: no. we were drunk. we had dated. it was he said she said. just not worth it to me
Him: so it wasn’t a rape
Me: what? no, it was a rape. but it would have been my word vs his. i didn’t have a strong enough case for me to justify reporting it.
Him: thats what a rape is. i mean, i feel bad saying it, but it wasn’t based off of your description
Me: how was it not? because we were drunk? and because we had previously dated? when i say no, and someone holds me down and forces themselves on me, despite trying to get away and telling them to stop, thats rape
Him: no. your statements makes it sound like you let it happen [Oh, look. Classic victim blaming. Right, I *let* myself be raped. Of course! Being raped sounds TOTALLY pleasant. Let me let *that* happen to me!]
Me: are you fucking kidding me? i didn’t let it happen. i tried as hard as i could to stop it. and he just growled “i’m going to fuck you whether you want it or not”. so… um, yeah. rape
Him: hmmmm. see what if he thought it was a role play? [There must be a reason! People don't rape for no reason!]
Me: he didn’t. we NEVER role played. we never even had rough sex. he never wanted to
Him: so what drove him to something like this? with no prior history? there must be some cause [Yup, there MUST be some cause! What could *I* have possibly done to MAKE HIM do this to me? Let's try and figure this out!]
Me: so, it must be my fault?
Him: not saying it was your fault. [Yes, yes you are.] just wondering what the cause was. so with no prior history of rough or explicit sexual acts why did he randomly act like that?
Me: because he wanted what he wanted. and i said no.
Him: have you ever restricted him from sex before [Oh, because if I've never turned him down before and now I did, he must not have know that I really meant no. He must have assumed he could force himself on me anyway!]
Me: no. we were dating. we weren’t dating anymore when i went over there. we had stopped seeing each other like a week before that. i had limits that he respected because we were dating and i thought he respected me
Him: ahhhh. it all makes sense. not saying it was right, but you are def at some fault [WHAT. THE. FUCK. It "all makes sense"? THIS is an understandable reason to rape someone?]
Me: excuse me? i said no, that should have stopped it right there
Him: of course, however, he was drunk. not saying it was right at all, but you can’t say there was no fault of yours [Ah, he was drunk! That totally excuses his actions!]