My friend Chris, on children and childbirth:
“Childbirth kinda reminds me of that scene in “Alien” when it bursts out of John Hurt’s chest. They kinda look alike too. All salamander-like, slimy, screaming, with rows of teeth. I mean, for serious, children are fuckin’ FRIGHTENING. They feed on your body and then they feed on your bank account. And if you get a demon seed, they could kill you in your sleep b/c you denied them cookies before bed. Why would *anyone* want kids?!!”
A-fuckin’-men.
Also, he cracks my shit up.
I'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
Good Vibes 
13 Comments
You know, I don't mind the freakiness of babies, or the endless diaper changing so much.
I know I would hate my kids to be bored teenagers, endlessly complaining about everything. And I have never met an unbored teenager.
Also, I think many people are repulsed by other people's children and enjoy their own, so you are not alone, even among parents.
I hope parents here will correct me if necessary, since I have my kid information from years of babysitting and tutoring, rather than actually transmitting my gene pool.
One of my friends is a doctor, and he said that c-sections always remind him of Alien.
I just want children with my genetic make-up to magically appear at age 2, talking and toilet-trained.
"They feed on your body and then they feed on your bank account." truer words have never be spoken. lol
If you think that’s scary check this out, it never fails in giving me the creeps.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMpMoeIgwoQ
this is why being a step mother may just be perfect for me.
i want children, a lot, but then i think of these things and look at my step-son and realize i have it pretty damn good.
he does drain the bank account, but i get to send his ass home after a very long weekend.
Kids are gross. I’m not a huge fan of other people’s kids, but we seem to have some cosmic connection cause they always want to be my friend. Maybe I need to change deodorant or something.
I adore my monster though. As cheesy and clichéd as it is to say, he’s given my life some semblance of direction, which I really needed. Plus, I really do fall in love with Ryan all over again when I see them together.
Wow. I think I just made myself throw up.
The draining the bank account part is true. Oh, so true. (Although their mother still holds the record.) The icky, stupid parts are true too, but you get back at them by telling their friends/dates. So fun.
But I can honestly say hanging out with my 15yo son can be a lot of fun. Childish humor but a brain to engage with.
Hahah that is so funny.. =)
I just want to visit other people's kids. I can play with them and love teaching them simple tricks (like how to make slime or insect dissections). The thought of any non-adult human living with me gives me the creeps.
Also, the whole pregnancy thing makes me want to run screaming into the night. I imagine enzymes slowly melting my motherfucking bones to steal their calcium and little critters robbing from my iron stores. The whole no alcohol or weed for 9 months and the birthing thing are just cherries in the Fucked-up sundae.
Ok, seriously – it is so different when they are your own. They can still be gross – but magically there is a whole different emotional attachment there that can't be explained (there has to be or you would kill them when they were young) There is a time when all of a sudden nature kicks in and babies suddenly don't seem that bad….
I cannot explain the feeling – but hubby said the moment our oldest was born he suddenly realized there was something that was suddenly right in the world.
Hehe! I have 2 kids myself and I can see why that's funny!
Besides Veronica, my kids are the best thing that's EVER happened to me. And for the most part I want nothing to do with other people's kids!
Hehe hey that was MY Chris! On my FB status! Yaaaay!