What-What-In-The-Butt*

Okay, people, I have a confession. I am incapable of having buttsex.

It’s not like I haven’t tried. It’s not like I don’t know the proper way to do it. In fact, for 2 years part of my job description was selling people good lube for buttsex, toys to get their ass ready for buttsex, discouraging them from buying numbing agents for buttsex, and explaining, step-by-step the proper way to have painless buttsex.

The only problem? My own advice doesn’t work for me. I’ve done it all. Practiced on my own with toys, used lots of lube, warmed up with fingers, gone slowly. It’s not even like I’m uptight when trying it. I’m relaxed, sometimes drunk, whatever. I want to do it. The problem is that it always ends up with me crying and in immense amounts of pain. Even attempting to work through the pain and get used to the sensation fails.

This makes me sad. There will be no what-what-in-the-butting for me.

*Phrase courtesy of my favorite new gay boy.