Bartender found me on Facebook recently and sent me a message. Now, let me preface this by saying that there are a lot of reasons that he was not the right person for me. He’s a really good guy that has made some really bad choices in his life. And I loved him very much. However, he was a convicted felon (multiple times over), spent time in jail while we were together, and was generally just not the kind of person that I want to spend my life with. While he was in jail, he wrote me letters, and it was tragic. I lost so much respect for him and felt like an asshole for it. His spelling and grammar skills (or lack thereof) were horrifying. When these Facebook messages came, I could only laugh. Please, enjoy.
Wht up Britini…..How are you …I see your in your fav place of all time Boston.You look cute. Ru still into guys or are you a full time lesbo …i mean that in a good way….Love U B
That was the first message. Notice that my name is spelled incorrectly. In fact, I’m pretty sure *his* name is spelled incorrectly on his Facebook account. I remember it being spelled with a ‘y,’ but for some reason it’s with an ‘i’ now. Whatever. Also, I don’t know how he can mean the question, “Are you a full time lesbo?” in a good way, but I digress.
Let’s look at the next one.
Well im happy ur back in Boston you used to talk about it all the time..Who are you living with up there …I deff miss you. I really liked you brit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He “really liked [me]?” Um… from what I remember we were in love with each other, and I stuck by him when he was in jail and raised his 14-year-old daughter for him while he was incarcerated. Or, you know, maybe I just “really liked” him. Also, one exclamation point would have made his point just fine. He did not need to add 984658 more.
Moving on.
[Daughter] is Good she is big going into 11th grade we had a long talk about you the other day….She liked you alot….She wants to be a Therapist because of you…I messed up w you …I did not realize what I had with you….Your a super hot piece of ass….I mean you are way more than that but just saying …you were hot…u called me fat…
The fact that I had that much of an impact on his daughter’s life actually makes me really happy. She was a great girl that loved her dad but resented him, too. I made sure she knew that I wasn’t walking out of her life just because I was walking out of her father’s, and that she could always call me. Glad to hear she’s doing well.
I really enjoy the next part, though. He “messed up” with me and “did not realize what [he] had” with me, which is unsurprising to hear. I was probably the best thing he’d ever dated in his life. But then to add that I’m a “super hot piece of ass” completely ruins any sentiment there. I’m laughing so hard right now. These are the men I choose to date. Clearly I have terrible taste in men. I also want to erase every one of those excessive and inappropriate ellipses.
For the record, I called him fat ONCE and it was when I walked in on him cheating on me and I said it in anger. In reality he wasn’t fat, just out of shape with a bit of a belly, but we all know that’s my thing, so I didn’t really think he was fat. I was just trying to poke at his biggest insecurity and hurt him because he had just hurt me.
At least now I have confirmation that I’m a “super hot piece of ass,” though, and was probably the best thing that ever happened to a convicted felon. Fantastic!
I'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
Good Vibes 
9 Comments
“u called me fat” is just so out of nowhere. I can’t figure out how it’s connected to the previous clause.
The “super hot piece of ass thing” is cracking me up. It reminds me of the guy I once dated (and was crazy about) who e-mailed me out of the blue after not speaking for months. He informed me he was looking at porn a ton because his sex life with his girlfriend wasn’t good, and he missed sex with me. Um… okay?
You should have replied to the first message with, “Yes, I am a full-time lesbian now. I eat, drink, sleep, and breathe lesbianism. My job is being a lesbian. I refuse to write sentences without the word ‘lesbian’ in them.” Etc.
QFT
I agree it’s funny how he called you a hot piece of ass when trying to be sweet. I have several dyslectic friends, and also friends with messed up families and childhoods who didn’t get a proper chance of learning what they should in school. Not being able to spell proper doesn’t always have anything to do with intelligence. I don’t always think it’s a good thing to pick on, even though I clearly see the comedy value of it.
When you say felon, you mean the super bad, maybe even violent kind, right?
Cause like… Technically, you’re one, too. You’ve just not been convicted. I’m one, too. I’ve just not been convicted. I’m sure you know what I mean by this, but if not, feel free to drop me a line and we can debate it. I’m not being intentionally offensive, so I hope you don’t take it that way.
I mean, clearly that wasn’t the only reason to get away from this guy. I’m just sayin’.
Drug related offenses mostly, but there was other bad stuff, too. He’d spent about 15 of his adult years in prison, and went back while we were together.
I think the most important thing we can all take away from these messages is that there absolutely needs to be a drink called the “Britini.”
I really liked you..we had a good thing..i was such an idiot..i can’t believe you like ponies.
OMG i like ponies too!!!!11!!!!
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