Euphemisms

There are all kinds of euphemisms for things. Especially sexual things. Because we’ve made sex this dirty, taboo thing, we need words for things that don’t evoke those embarrassing images and reactions! “Vajajay.” “Down there.” “Member.” “Love making.” But apparently, the numerous euphemisms that already exist for sexytime were not good enough. Glamour had to suggest some new ones for us! Because, remember: we are not mature adults and it is way too embarrassing to use the proper names for things.

1. “Eating out.” Apparently, this is unacceptable terminology. Granted, it’s one of my least favorite phrases (and activities (on the receiving end)), as well, but that’s why I stick to “oral sex.” Because that’s what it is. Or, if I’m feeling fancy, I’ll throw out “cunnilingus,” though you’d be surprised how many people don’t know what that means. “Going down on” me/her/someone also works. Do you know what DOESN’T work? Glamour‘s suggestion of “treasure hunting.” Or, for the people that give terrible head, “Scavenger hunting.” YES! Cunnilingus is totes like a treasure hunt! I mean, I know my vag is full of gold dubloons and jewels and what not, but that doesn’t mean I want to share them with Mr. Jack Sparrow down there. I have a new suggestion: “mash on her gash.” That sounds so much more appealing, and not at all reminiscent of bleeding wounds, don’t you think?
2. “Come.” “Come,” the verb, not to be confused with “cum,” the noun. Apparently, “come” sounds “so porno.” Okay, then. I’m a fan of “get off,” and I’m still not sure what’s wrong with “orgasm,” but since obviously there’s something wrong with it, let’s see what Glamour suggests we say instead, shall we? “Finish” with an alternative “go/went/gone.” I don’t like “are you finished/are you going to finish” because that implies an ending point. Bitch, just because I had an orgasm does not mean I’m “finished!” Keep fucking going! And “go/went/gone” makes me think of urination. “Are you gonna go?” Go what? Pee? Right now? Um, sure, if that’s what you’re into. I can get down with watersports.
3. “Boner.” Because “hard” is clearly not okay, nor is the proper term of “erection.” Instead, Glamour suggests we call a hard penis “it.” No, I’m not kidding. As Ashley put it (heh), “Calling an erect cock ‘it’ sounds like some kind of B-movie monster. COMING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU! ‘IT: COCKZILLA FROM OUTERSPACE!’” Like, BEWARE THE ONE-EYED MONSTER! ‘IT’ IS OUT TO GET YOU!’ When, really, all “it” really wants is a nice warm home inside a mouth, vag, or asshole. Is that really too much to ask? And this article was written by a guy! What guy wants his dick referred to as “it,” like it’s some freak object? Apparently, this guy.
4. “Queef.” Look, it’s an awkward word for an awkward sound. But not more awkward than the alternative suggestion: “hippo giggles.” Excuse me a minute, I have to let loose some hippo giggles.” “Haha, did you just hear that hippo giggle?” WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Do hippos even giggle? And, if they do, why do we assume it sounds like farts?
5. “Doggy style.” Ah, my least favorite sex position (it hurts me. I’m fine laying flat on my stomach, or standing up, but kneeling and taking it from behind is uncomfortable for me). So I’m going to have to disagree with the author of this piece, who claims that this position “works for everyone.” I’ve always just called it “fucking from behind.” According to Glamour, we should call it a “power meeting.” Because we’re NOT ANIMALS, people. We are CLASSY. Especially whilst fucking. Or, we’re in a boardroom. Although, fucking in a boardroom would be pretty hot. Ooh! “Power meeting” could be the perfect term for a stealth fuck sesh during the workday! But not the perfect term for doggy style sex.
6. “Anal sex.” I do not see anything wrong with this term. At all. I also like saying “what-what in the butt” because it’s fun. “Taking it up the ass” is always a good one, too. Glamour‘s suggestion is a little more… abstract. They suggest “Lady Macbeth,” because “she’s so pushy and potentially awful, but she’s a scene stealer, and for the some, the play would be nothing without her.” Look, if something requires that much explanation, it’s a shitty fucking euphemism (pun intended). Though, “out, out damn spot” could be more accurate than intended…
7. “Pubic hair.” Also a totally fine term. “Bush,” if you really want. You know what’s NOT a fine term? “Love feathers.” WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK? What do pubes have to do with love? Or feathers? “Plumage,” their other suggestion, also sucks. I do not want to associate my body hair with peacocks (heh. I said “cock”), thankyouverymuch. Though peacocks do have those beautiful feathers…
8. “Lights on/lights off.” Again, why do we even need a better term for this? What’s wrong with “Why don’t we leave the lights on tonight?” Or “Baby, can you turn the lights off?” Why do we need fancy names like “Showtime?” HEY, BABY, IT’S SHOWTIME! CHECK OUT THESE CANS! Really?! Or “Mystery in Gotham?” I’m not having sex with Batman! Though, I’d probably rather be having sex with Batman. He’s sexy. Plus, he has a Batmobile.

Why do we need to water down the words we use to describe sex? It just makes it even more squicky, icky, and taboo. Just call it what it is, and it will be much less of an issue than beating around the bush and using childish nicknames for things that, as adults, we should be able to say openly.