Haunting Me

Tonight I had very vivid dreams about being raped or sexually assaulted. In the dream, I somehow knew it was a dream, yet I couldn’t make myself wake up. In one of the dreams, Chris Colfer, who plays the gay kid on Glee, came up behind me in a crowded bar, blindfolded me, and choked me (yeah, I don’t know why, either). I tried desperately to get away and could not, and no one stepped up to help me. Finally I managed to yell, “Will someone help me?!” Two of The Bruiser’s friends then came up and took off my blindfold and laughed at me, yet somehow that solved the problem. I was mortified.

Sometimes, when I see someone from behind that has a bald head, my blood runs cold and my stomach drops. I have to remind myself that it isn’t him. Sometimes, when someone comes up behind me and talks too close to my ear, I feel sick. Sometimes, when I read about sexual assault, I have flashbacks. Sometimes, when I watch sexual violence or something involving someone being restrained in some way on television, I cry.

I just wonder when it will stop. Will it ever stop? When do I get to be normal again? Will I never be normal again? There is nothing as scary as being violated while you are utterly helpless, your body being taken from you by someone when you don’t want it to happen. I found out this morning that he is moving away in two days; his house was taken from him. I’ll never have to see him again. Yet that’s somehow not comforting. Last week, Facebook suggested that I friend him. Seeing his name and face on my computer screen gave me chills. Even when I’m not physically in his presence, I’m somehow still haunted by it. It’s like a web I can’t escape from, no matter how hard I try.

I just want it all to go away and I worry that it never will.

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  1. BerylNo Gravatar
    Posted May 2, 2010 at 8:55 am | Permalink

    I’m sorry. I’m sorry your peace of mind was stolen from you. I’ve been reading your blog a long time and I see a strong woman capable of taking it back. Just be patient and kind with yourself. You will when you are ready. It takes time.

    xox Beryl

  2. Complicated KittenNo Gravatar
    Posted May 2, 2010 at 10:03 am | Permalink

    You have gone thru such a violent terrible experience. I pray that you find comfort and heal. After experiencing my own recent nightmare, I am enrolled this coming week in a women’s self defense class. I hope to learn a few new skills to protect myself.


  3. BlowJoyNo Gravatar
    Posted May 2, 2010 at 10:06 am | Permalink

    Time to talk to someone professionally, sister.

  4. Nadia WestNo Gravatar
    Posted May 2, 2010 at 10:10 am | Permalink

    I can relate to this so much. When I see a blond-haired man in his 40′s, I pause in fear because it makes me think of the guy who assaulted me. He’s active in sex blogger circles (less than before but still) so I come across his web presence all too often.

    Hugs. Here’s to hoping these memories fade.

  5. EveNo Gravatar
    Posted May 2, 2010 at 2:02 pm | Permalink

    That sounds a lot like what I go through. I used to have nightmares about my dad, and I still get a rush of adrenaline anytime I see someone who looks like they could be him. Rape and assault scenes in movies make me feel shaky. I also feel slightly uncomfortable around men who are middle aged and have pot bellies like my dad, even if I know they’re good people (like my mom’s brother, which makes me sad).

    I don’t know if it ever goes away completely, but it definitely can get better. Much better. Personally, EMDR was one of the biggest things that helped me not be triggered as easily or have as many intrusive thoughts, along with talk therapy, talking about it with my friends, and blogging about it. It takes time and work, but I think you can do it. As Beryl said, be patient with yourself, and don’t be afraid to ask for help! Also, the fact that you’re not keeping silent about it is a very big deal and shows that you have a lot of strength and courage. That’s worth being proud of!

  6. alanaNo Gravatar
    Posted May 2, 2010 at 5:36 pm | Permalink

    I just don’t know. Hang in there.

  7. alphafemmeNo Gravatar
    Posted May 3, 2010 at 12:21 am | Permalink

    I worry about that too :(

  8. la petiteNo Gravatar
    Posted May 9, 2010 at 5:38 pm | Permalink

    I think the main thing that hurts us when we’ve been violated is that we fear that our bodies will never be sacred again; that everyone can and will hurt and/or rape us.

    Its a loss of security that WILL surely fade my dear, I promise. You actually are safe and your body is sacred and still yours. We all suffer at some point or another but the most we can do is use it for the best purpose possible and use it to help us grow. Here’s comfort-hugging you from afar. <3

    /la petite

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