Tonight I had very vivid dreams about being raped or sexually assaulted. In the dream, I somehow knew it was a dream, yet I couldn’t make myself wake up. In one of the dreams, Chris Colfer, who plays the gay kid on Glee, came up behind me in a crowded bar, blindfolded me, and choked me (yeah, I don’t know why, either). I tried desperately to get away and could not, and no one stepped up to help me. Finally I managed to yell, “Will someone help me?!” Two of The Bruiser’s friends then came up and took off my blindfold and laughed at me, yet somehow that solved the problem. I was mortified.
Sometimes, when I see someone from behind that has a bald head, my blood runs cold and my stomach drops. I have to remind myself that it isn’t him. Sometimes, when someone comes up behind me and talks too close to my ear, I feel sick. Sometimes, when I read about sexual assault, I have flashbacks. Sometimes, when I watch sexual violence or something involving someone being restrained in some way on television, I cry.
I just wonder when it will stop. Will it ever stop? When do I get to be normal again? Will I never be normal again? There is nothing as scary as being violated while you are utterly helpless, your body being taken from you by someone when you don’t want it to happen. I found out this morning that he is moving away in two days; his house was taken from him. I’ll never have to see him again. Yet that’s somehow not comforting. Last week, Facebook suggested that I friend him. Seeing his name and face on my computer screen gave me chills. Even when I’m not physically in his presence, I’m somehow still haunted by it. It’s like a web I can’t escape from, no matter how hard I try.
I just want it all to go away and I worry that it never will.