14 Sex Moves You’ll Wish You’d Still Never Heard Of

My masochism (and awesome blog fodder) continues as I peruse the Cosmo website a little more. This time, it’s “14 Sex Moves You’ve Never Heard Of.” Let me just preface this by saying: there’s a reason you have never heard of these sex moves. And that reason is that they are the worst ideas I’ve ever heard in my life, and most of them are stupid, if not downright painful sounding. And with that, let’s get started.

First off, the intro is golden.

Since you read Cosmo, you may think you’re familiar with every sex trick in the book. Reverse cowgirl? Been there, done that. The “Tailbone Tickle”? Sooo June ’06.

Ah, yes. Reading Cosmo is bound to make you sexually prolific. Really, though, it just gives you a bunch of terrible ideas. Reverse cowgirl is not a “trick.” It’s a standard position. I had to look up the “Tailbone Tickle” (clearly I don’t read Cosmo). I was sorry I did. Moving on.

Temperature Tease
Forget about just stroking your man with a simple pair of satin panties! For a real treat, pop those silky numbers in the freezer a day before you’re ready for action. Then loosely wrap the icy fabric around his package and gently slide it up and down. “The coolness combined with the satiny smooth texture provides a surprising sensation,” explains Olivia St. Claire, author of 302 Advanced Techniques for Driving a Man Wild in Bed.

I have never done the “panty trick” that Cosmo is so big on advertising but it sounds stupid. But not as stupid as the “fronzen panty trick!” Because you know what’s fun in the bedroom? Shrinkage. That “surprising sensation” he feels is the blood draining from his erection.

Naked Chef
Incorporating food into your passion play is a classic carnal activity. Turning your bodies into a sexy buffet is a fresh, tasty spin. Take a few of your favorite erotically appealing flavor combinations, like peanut butter and honey or whipped cream and chocolate sauce. Put a dollop of, say, peanut butter on an area where you’d like to be licked (avoiding your genitals). Then dot the honey on the same spot on the opposite side of your body. Instruct your man to first lick off one flavor and then make his way over to the other, providing a pleasurable sensation for you and a flavorful sensation for him.

No, this is not a “fresh spin” on anything. Chocolate syrup, honey, and whipped cream have been “sexy bedroom fun” since, like, 1900. I mean, whipped cream bikini, anyone? FAIL.

Pleasure Map
Okay, now this is going to sound a little out-there, but trust us, guys say it feels un-freakin’-believable. Heat up some massage oil, and put it into a turkey baster. Then use the baster to draw shapes, spell out naughty words, or create trails on his body — from his neck, over his arms, then down his back, butt, and legs.

“A little out-there?” No, not “out-there,” just stupid. Asking your partner to put a tail buttplug in and bark like a dog? A little out-there. Asking them to dress up like a stormtrooper? A little out-there. Massage oil? Not “out-there.”  Plus, you lost me at “turkey baster.” I will forever have associations of lesbians and jars of semen associated with turkey basters in the bedroom.

Body Paint
For a unique sensation, use a clean artist’s paintbrush to tickle each other’s skin.

Sensation play: something you’ve DEFINITELY never heard of. And there’s no actual body paint involved in this “trick.” Another FAIL.

Naughty Pearl Necklace
Believe it or not, this country-club accoutrement can be a passion prop. Pick up a 36-inch fake strand (this trick will ruin the real deal) and wear it all day so your body warms up the balls. “When you’re ready to romp, take off the pearls and cover them generously with lube,” suggests Paget. “Coil the pearls around the shaft of his penis comfortably but snuggly enough that the beads rest against his package.”

Intertwine your fingers and place the palms of your hand on either side of his penis. Next, slide your hands up and down in a wave motion, causing the warm, smooth beads to roll over the length of his shaft.

I’m sorry, but actual jewelry is the last thing I think of when I hear “naughty pearl necklace.” Also, this sounds… awkward and possibly painful.

Scrunchie Tip 2007
If you’ve kept up with your Cosmo sex tips, you may remember reading that a scrunchie can be used on a man’s member to help him maintain an erection. Now we’re upping the ante and taking that technique in a new direction. Start by stacking six scrunchies on top of each other over his package. “Then remove them one by one using your lips and tongue,” says St. Claire. “As each piece is removed, it releases a little bit of pressure in his penis, which will make his orgasm more intense when it happens. Plus, the movement of the fabric will feel wild on his skin.”

If you have ever read articles mocking Cosmo‘s sex tips, the “scrunchie trick” is always mentioned. The fact that they UPDATED this trick makes me die a little inside. And picturing a dude sitting there with SIX SCRUNCHIES STACKED ON HIS DICK? Made me laugh so hard I had tears streaming down my cheeks. As for the purpose of the trick? Buy a fucking cock ring and get it over with.

Double Mint, Double Pleasure
You can create a pleasurable hot-and-cold double-whammy sensation with a few sips of warm mint tea. “The tea makes your mouth hot as you put it on each other’s private parts,” explains Paget. “Meanwhile, the menthol in the mint will cool down the area when you pull your mouth away, creating a hot-and-cold tug-of-war.”

So, basically it’s spin on the oft-cited, rarely-attempted “Altoid trick.” Gotcha.

Frisky French Kiss
Mix up your usual oral sex routine by having him take his above-the-neck technique below the belt. “Even if his skills are already stellar, it’s a fun, unique, and pleasurable experience to have him French kiss your down-there area the way he would your lips,” says Jane Bogart, coordinator of health promotion at the University of California at Santa Cruz and author of Sexploration. He can tickle the area with his tongue, wiggle it in a circular motion from top to bottom, and gently suck the skin.

This is what’s known as ORAL SEX. And “down-there area?” What, are we talking to toddlers?

Feel Buzzed
We’ve recommended using tongue vibes during oral sex before, but the buzzy sensations can be too intense for some people. A sexy solution: Have him lay a regular vibrator against his cheek when he’s down below or do the same to him. “This technique cushions the vibrations so they’re not overpowering,” says Paget.

Hee. I’m just picturing a dude with a vibrator resting against his cheek while he goes down on me. Hee hee.

The W
When moving down south, many women converge on their man’s General, inadvertently ignoring the surrounding areas. But his pelvic region has tons of sensitive spots aching for attention of their own. “Starting at the spot where his left thigh meets his groin, move your tongue down toward his scrotum, up between the testes, and then come down and around, finishing in the crease between his right thigh and his groin,” suggests Bogart. “The invisible lines that make up this W shape are thin-skinned and full of nerve endings, making them especially sensitive.”

I’m not seeing how we’ve “never heard of” these things. Hey, guys, NEWSFLASH: we have other sensitive spots besides our genitals! And, really, Cosmo? His “General?” PLEASE, PLEASE STOP. There are so many better euphemisms.

Dual Oral Action
This trick is so simple but so amazing. “While giving him oral sex, slide a finger into your mouth and tickle his penis at the same time you’re stimulating him with your lips and tongue,” says St. Claire. “It’s an unexpected new sensation for him.”

I’m trying to mill this one around in my head to picture trying to do this, and I’m just unable to. I don’t understand in the slightest how this works.

Stuck on You
During intercourse, you’re all wrapped up in each other. So extend that carnal concept even further by literally tying yourselves together. Take a really long piece of sturdy plastic wrap (long enough to fit around your body about eight times). Then fold it in half, twist it into a long rope that fits snuggly around both of your bodies twice, and secure it with a knot at your waist so you’re locked together.

WHAT? WHY? This is like bondage gone wrong. And seems like it would make sex so, so difficult. The name is also making me think of that movie where Matt Damon and that other dude play conjoined twins.

Passion Prop Play
To put a creative spin on standard missionary, stroke his back with a few sensual, around-the-house items. Keep a paddlebrush, a soft scarf, and a baseball (yes, a baseball) on your bedside table. While he’s on top, alternate between scratching his back and butt with the bristles of the brush, stroking him with the scarf, and rolling the baseball over his skin.

Oh, look! MORE sensation play! Why don’t you grab that paintbrush you just got and add that to the mix? And I will never, ever incorporate a baseball into my bedroom activities. Sorry, Cosmo.

Web ‘n’ Wild
For a postpassion wrap up, set up an instant-messenger account with a secret name, and tell your man to be online at a certain time. Then send him a message — pretending to be a sexy stranger — and recount all the dirty details of your last rendezvous together.

This isn’t much different from cybersex, dirty texting, or pretending to be a stranger and having your partner “pick you up” at a bar. Same shit, different name. And if you’re recounting all the details of your last fuck… doesn’t that kill the “sexy stranger” vibe?

So, have we picked up any new tricks to try?

Share
This entry was posted in Griping and Kvetching and Bitching, Mag Mocking, Sex Miscellany. Bookmark the permalink. Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.

18 Comments

  1. PetalNo Gravatar
    Posted May 18, 2010 at 12:14 am | Permalink

    I don’t think I have laughed so hard in a long time! Gotta love Cosmo eh!

  2. Nell GwynneNo Gravatar
    Posted May 18, 2010 at 2:03 am | Permalink

    that stupid “pear necklace” one has been on the Cosmo website for a while, at least a year. Bleh.

  3. EpiphoraNo Gravatar
    Posted May 18, 2010 at 4:41 am | Permalink

    Oh. My. God. The frozen panties and stack of scrunchies kill me. KILL ME. And I love how they’re just using the same shit in very-slightly-different ways. Nice, Cosmo.

  4. AmyNo Gravatar
    Posted May 18, 2010 at 5:50 am | Permalink

    I can’t believe I’ve never thought of trying a guy ‘french kissing’ my cunt. Oh wait…

    This would be the easiest job in the world, writing this stuff. I’d be amused to see if people actually tried this stuff.

  5. EvaNo Gravatar
    Posted May 18, 2010 at 7:28 am | Permalink

    How very frisky of Cosmo to suggest that it’s possible for a man to “move down south” on a woman. Seriously, I had never heard of that before, I always thought that only “the general” deserved kisses, so thanks Cosmo for letting me in on the secret tricks, what a real eye opener!
    I also especially like the “Stuck On You” trick.

    I wonder what the people behind Cosmo think of their readers, I wouldn’t want to read a magazine that treated it’s readers and thus myself like complete clueless idiots.

  6. JessNo Gravatar
    Posted May 18, 2010 at 7:43 am | Permalink

    I was thinking “His general….what? His general….? Oh. Oh, I see. His General. :/ ”

    Haha!

  7. jonsbabydollNo Gravatar
    Posted May 18, 2010 at 9:13 am | Permalink

    LMAO, Cosmo is a gem.

  8. twgNo Gravatar
    Posted May 18, 2010 at 10:12 am | Permalink

    Who in the world still even owns *a* scrunchie, let alone SIX OF THEM? Did it go back to 1989? Did I forget? Where’s my Hypercolor T-shirt, dudes?

    • Britni TheVadgeWigNo Gravatar
      Posted May 18, 2010 at 11:58 am | Permalink

      Which is why I linked to the clip from SATC where Carrie and Berger fight over scrunchies! “No one wears scrunchies anymore!”

      • twgNo Gravatar
        Posted May 20, 2010 at 9:18 am | Permalink

        Yeah, that was awesome. :)

  9. TopazNo Gravatar
    Posted May 18, 2010 at 3:12 pm | Permalink

    I love your Cosmo bits! I was laughing throughout, but “this is like bondage gone wrong,” and “you lost me at “turkey baster.” ” are just great lines. You’ve reinforced my distaste for Cosmo, lol.

  10. kateanonNo Gravatar
    Posted May 18, 2010 at 6:35 pm | Permalink

    Love it. Who writes for Cosmo? My seventh grade teacher who married her high school sweetheart? Reading this is like taking medical advice from the lady down the street who used to answer phones for a doctor.

  11. Garnet JoyceNo Gravatar
    Posted May 18, 2010 at 6:49 pm | Permalink

    Most of those are totes horrible for sure. The scrunchie bit is hillarious. I also wondered who even owns one anymore. However, don’t knock the vibrator one. I don’t tell people to use it because vibes are too strong but because it can add a little more fun to oral on both men and women. I usually recommend using a small bullet vibe on a cheek, under the chin, or even under the tongue to add a buzz to your mouth. Tis fun times!

  12. AnnNo Gravatar
    Posted May 18, 2010 at 9:41 pm | Permalink

    The two things I hate the most about these tips are the references to “your man” and “his package.” I can’t ever imagine saying, “My MAN and I were…whatever.”

    Also, is it just me or does it seem that in I Put My Panties in the Fridge and, No, They Are Not Wool So I Wasn’t Trying To Get Rid of Moths, I’m Just Insane “package” seems to refer to penis, while in the Unbelievably Stupid Tacky Fake Pearl Necklace “package” seems to mean the scrotum?

  13. ElodieNo Gravatar
    Posted May 18, 2010 at 11:40 pm | Permalink

    A man kissing me “down there”? My, what a wild suggestion! I may have the vapors!

    Not only did they call a penis a “general”, they capitalized it. He gets a General, I get “down there”? I insist they start calling the vagina “Empress” from now on.

  14. RedNo Gravatar
    Posted May 19, 2010 at 2:45 am | Permalink

    It’s just exasperating that this is the “Sex Ed” that the women of America receive. If I rubbed a baseball on my boifriend as we fucked, I think he’d think I’d gone mental.

    Why doesn’t Cosmo ever encourage women to simply ask their men what they’d like to try and to speak up about their own desires? Oh, I forgot, that would actually be helpful and encourage open, honest, adult communication. Bah.

  15. RedNo Gravatar
    Posted May 19, 2010 at 2:47 am | Permalink

    Edit: ask their partners…I realized that I was being just as heterosexist as Cosmo just then.

  16. Curvaceous DeeNo Gravatar
    Posted May 19, 2010 at 3:50 am | Permalink

    Y’know, I actually have some scrunchies. Can I just say I inherited them from my mum, and they very rarely get worn? Someday they will be fashionable again … but they’re never going on a cock, ever!

    xx Dee

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Subscribe without commenting

  • This site contains adult content and is not intended for anyone under the age of 18. Under 18? Click here:

    Photobucket

  • Britni TheVadgeWig

    PhotobucketI'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
    Photobucket Photobucket
  • Because I Am a Shameless, Broke-Ass Bitch

    All donations are welcome, of course! You can always buy me something off my wishlist, as well.

  • Get Yourself Off

    Good Vibes PinkCherry Sex Toys Love yourself. Everyday. Tickle. Photobucket ER-150x250-1a_3 / JT's Stockroom
  • Photobucket
  • See My Writing At

    Photobucket Photobucket
  • Watch Them Get Off


    visit ifeelmyself.com Photobucket visit beautifulagony.com
  • The What

  • The Who

  • Go Back In Time