I know I said I wouldn’t be writing about my personal life, but I had written this already, and I felt like it was important for me to post.

A lot of people disagreed with my decision to sleep with The Bruiser after my break-up with Profligacy. However, there were reasons for the decision. Everyone has a “safe” person. I never really did, nor did I ever really feel like I needed one. After my rape, sex changed for me. Because I was raped by someone I trusted and thought was safe, it threw off everything I knew about sex, and who I was having it with.

The Bruiser was the first person I slept with after I was raped. We had stopped sleeping together for about a month, but that week, I called him. I knew he would never hurt me. I knew that I could trust him. I knew he was safe. And he was. And is. He was furious for what happened to me, and let me cry after sex when I needed to. When it was time to take back my ass, to have anal sex on my own terms and not on anyone else’s, it was The Bruiser that I trusted with that. And he was wonderful about it when I broke down and sobbed after we were done. He hugged me and kissed me. He was safe. I was safe.

After Profligacy and I broke up, I was hurting. I wanted comfort, from someone safe. I didn’t want to go fuck someone random. I wanted someone that I knew wouldn’t hurt me. That I knew would never hurt me. I needed comfort, safety, trust, and familiarity. And so, I called my Safe Person. I called The Bruiser.

I don’t regret the decision in the least. You can disagree with it all you want. You can think I’m an idiot. But it was my choice to make, and I’d make it again if I had to.

This entry was posted in Breaking Up Is Hard To Do, Rape Culture, Sex Miscellany and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.


  1. B.No Gravatar
    Posted April 9, 2010 at 12:17 am | Permalink

    That’s knowing what you need and finding a safe way to get it, and it’s not the slightest bit idiotic.

  2. MalkuthSephiraNo Gravatar
    Posted April 9, 2010 at 1:16 am | Permalink


    It’s incredible how people always seem to think they have a right to judge others by actions they can’t possibly relate to or understand. You shouldn’t have to justify yourself to anyone, and you sure as hell shouldn’t have to be subjected to hateful and cruel comments by idiots who have nothing better to do than try to hurt people over the internet.

    For whatever it’s worth, here’s one reader who thinks you’ve got an awesome blog, and who is absolutely outraged by the insults, hatemail, and vicious criticism you’ve been getting as a result of choices that are nobody’s damn business but yours.

  3. cleofayeNo Gravatar
    Posted April 9, 2010 at 2:02 am | Permalink

    I think we’ve all that at some point. My safe person isn’t actually all that safe or good to me, but I slept with him after every break up for years. We had sex down to a science after dating for 3+ years, so I would always end up in his bed because sometimes being on autopilot with someone familiar is exactly what I need.

  4. SarahbearNo Gravatar
    Posted April 9, 2010 at 2:33 am | Permalink

    For me, I thought it was a bad idea because sex and orgasms are just another way to numb the pain (like drinking heavily, drugs…etc.). You don’t want to deal with the pain from the break up, just like I didn’t want to deal with the pain from the affair. I swear Chad and I fucked like we were teenagers for two months after we both found out about everything. Every time I would start to get upset about it or cry about it, we would have sex and I would feel better. Eventually though, I had to deal with the pain and so did he. We had to talk, not just have sex, and it was hard. We had to face a lot of things about ourselves and each other that we did not really enjoy facing. We made it through though and are much healthier in our relationship because of it.

    I get why you did it, and I’m not judging you for it. We all heal on our own time. <3

  5. JeannineNo Gravatar
    Posted April 9, 2010 at 2:33 am | Permalink

    Totally agree with MalkuthSephira.
    Nobody has the right to bitch about whatever decisions you make.

  6. RedNo Gravatar
    Posted April 9, 2010 at 3:06 am | Permalink

    You know what? This post shows exactly what you mean by this blog being only a tiny fraction of the story of your life. I don’t recall reading any of that stuff about The Bruiser before, so I was one of the people who didn’t want you to go back to him after all the pain. But your reasoning makes total sense now.

    So, I’m sorry for my “no” and my sad face and replace it with only ::hug::

  7. Nell GwynneNo Gravatar
    Posted April 9, 2010 at 8:07 am | Permalink

    This post is great. I’m glad you have that kind of person that you trust adn feel safe with in your life.

    • Saturday StevensNo Gravatar
      Posted April 9, 2010 at 11:12 am | Permalink

      My thoughts exactly, Nell.

  8. RicNo Gravatar
    Posted April 9, 2010 at 8:24 am | Permalink

    I suspect you draw so many personal comments because you are so candid that somehow people feel connected in a way they don’t with many others. So in a sense it is a compliment to your honesty and openess. But really… all the insults? Do they really believe that you don’t have the right to make mistakes? Do they really believe that they have the ability to KNOW which of your choices are, in fact, mistakes? That people who don’t really know you are somehow in a position to judge you? They are pitiful. Of course you should block them from Twitter or where ever else you choose. It is your life. for good or ill , you make your choices.

    I find your writing interesting, and I find reading about your personal life interesting. I do love your sense of style and outfits. Live your life. The hell with the critics.


  9. PixieNo Gravatar
    Posted April 9, 2010 at 8:53 am | Permalink

    I wanted to second what MalkuthSephira, in the end your decisions are no one’s but your own.

  10. JessNo Gravatar
    Posted April 9, 2010 at 11:54 am | Permalink

    You don’t have to justify yourself to us, just do what you need to do to heal. It’s your life :)

  11. Vanilla KinksNo Gravatar
    Posted April 9, 2010 at 12:55 pm | Permalink

    I don’t have much to say really other than, I have a safe person too. I totally understand that.

  12. MortalNo Gravatar
    Posted April 9, 2010 at 2:56 pm | Permalink

    I think that’s very healthy and natural. Not to mention typical. Good on you.

  13. SulpiciaNo Gravatar
    Posted April 9, 2010 at 5:52 pm | Permalink

    Hey B: I hope this is a small move to feeling OK about posting the way you used to… Even if you were clear that this was written before your decision on a hiatus. I’m also one of those people that love your blog, exactly because of your honesty and passion, your delving into yourself, placing yourself under the harsh spotlight of your own gaze. Taking all of life on and pushing the envelope and being utterly human and writing about it. I suspect that those who let out their judgements and hate-ons don’t ever really have the guts to look in the mirror and deep inside.

    Hope you are well.

  14. ButchNo Gravatar
    Posted April 9, 2010 at 5:52 pm | Permalink

    All I can say is… yay, she’s back. :)

  15. Ms.InconspicuousNo Gravatar
    Posted April 9, 2010 at 6:40 pm | Permalink

    Yeah, I completely get this.

One Trackback

  1. By Enough is Enough? on April 26, 2010 at 12:02 am

    [...] have this kind of weird bond with The Bruiser. This, of course, is totally one-sided. He treats me like shit. Calls me when it [...]

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