“R. Kelly is either a genius, or mildly schizophrenic.”*

I never paid much attention to R. Kelly or his music. I always assumed that he must be a decent artist in his genre, since he seemed to be successful. I also knew that he liked to pee on young girls, and is the worst liar in the world, because when asked if he liked teenage girls, instead of just saying, “No,” he said, “Define teenage” and asked, “How young?” Amazing in it’s idiocy, no?

And then I discovered the wonder of R. Kelly’s music and lyrics. I use the term “music” loosely, because I’m not really sure we can call what he does “singing.” It’s more like rhythmic, musical talking, yelling, and melting down, and I think he makes up the lyrics of some of his songs as he goes along. His songs definitely have themes, though. They seem to involve sex, cheating, more sex, or references to the fact that maybe he’s secretly gay. He also has a song called ‘I Like The Crotch on You.’

What amazes me even more is that people, NUMEROUS people, heard these songs and thought they were good enough to be recorded. These songs are real things in the real world, people. And I had to stop going through his songs, because there is just SO. MUCH. GOOD. there.


Exhibit A: The Zoo

“Girl, I got you so wet
It’s like a rain forest
Like Jurassic Park
Except I’m your sex-a-saurus baby
You and me hopping
Like two kangaroos
Rattling and moaning
Out here in these woods…

Ooo ooo ooo ooo
Aaa aaa aaa aaa
Those are the sounds I wanna hear…”

(Though you really should read the whole thing)

Exhibit B: Real Talk

“I don’t know why fuck with them oh jealous,
no man have ass hoes anyway


I ain’t gave nobody no damn money girl, is you tweaking…see what
your problem is you always running off at the mouth telling your girls your motherfucking business
when they don’t sleep with us,
they don’t eat with us, besides what they eat don’t make us shit…


the next time your ass get horny go fuck one of your funky ass friends shh
hell you probably already doing that shit
anyway you’re gonna burn what…
BITCH I wish you would burn my motherfucking clothes…
with cho trifling ass…”

(PLEASE listen to this whole song. If you listen to any of them in their entirety, make it this one. It is like listening to stream of consciousness yelling while someone loses their mind on record. REAL TALK.)

Exhibit C: Sweet Tooth

“Got a sweet tooth for you girl
Baby I’m tempted to taste
I can’t wait to drink your milk
Your looking like a big whole piece of cake
I’m all up in your middle
oooh it taste like skittles

Girl I’m bout to give myself a cavity
Plus I’m gonna need bandaids for my knees
Gril set the table and let me feast
Strawberry shortcake wit whipped cream
I can taste it
My mouth is watering for you…”

(I do not want to know why he is going to need bandaids for his knees. His metaphor capabilities are unparalleled, no?)

Exhibit D: Pregnant

“Girl you make me wanna get you pregnant,
Girl you make me wanna get you pregnant,
Lay your body down and get you pregnant,
Knock you up, pregnant, Knock you up…”

(Otherwise known as The Creepiest Song in the World™.)

Exhibit E: Havin’ A Baby

“Girl you got me staring at you from head to toe
When i look at you its like you got this glow
So much respect, i have for you, girl since you told, me the good news
Ever since you told me you love me more
Girl what i feel is so spiritual
And baby our lives has been changed
Now i want you to have my.. last name

I want you to, push
I need you to, push
Come on baby, push
(im havin a baby)
Im right here, push
Hold my hand, push
(im having a baby)
Baby push, push
Breathe, push
You’re almost there, push…”

(I originally thought that maybe this was the sequel to ‘Pregnant’, but apparently this was recorded first. So I guess it’s the prequel. Also, the lyrics are not only lame, but apparently he only gains respect for her and only proposes to her because she’s pregnant. Classy. As is the lamaze class in the middle.)

And don’t even get me started on ‘Trapped in the Closet’ (Parts I, II, and XXI, and Chapters 1-12, and 13). All I know is that catching your partner cheating is totally a great reason to JUMP OUT OF A CLOSET WITH A GUN.

I have decided that this is the only explanation for the awfulness awesomeness of his lyrics.

*Quote in the title is courtesy of a friend of mine that I like to refer to as The One That Got Away. He introduced me to the magic of R. Kelly’s poetic lyrics. He also reads here now, so hi, you! :)

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  1. SarahbearNo Gravatar
    Posted April 27, 2010 at 1:22 am | Permalink

    I like a few of his older songs. Like… songs that came out when I was in middle school. The new shit is just insane.

    If you’re looking for a real laugh? Look up the Dave Chappelle “Piss on You” song. I promise, you will laugh harder than you ever laughed if you know anything about the R. Kelly sex scandals.

  2. namelesschoasNo Gravatar
    Posted April 27, 2010 at 2:39 am | Permalink

    I just listen to pregnant and…and…let me put it to you this way..I was going to test a toy out after checking my reader. Was going to test…now…I agree Creepiest Song in the World™ .

  3. EvaNo Gravatar
    Posted April 27, 2010 at 6:12 am | Permalink

    I don’t know why you mock his metaphor capabilities, I thought the bit where he compared sex to two kangaroos hopping and rattling in the woods was kind of poetic..

    The pregnancy shit pushed(!) me over the edge, though. It’s so disgusting that I can’t even bring myself to listen to him sing it this early in the morning. Maybe I’ll give it a try later today.

    I looked at the link you posted about why his lyrics are shit. He can’t just blame dyslexia for the rubbish lyrics, they’re not just spelled incorrectly, they’re just really, really bad, in every possible way. Oh and also, he’s won a GRAMMY for this shit?

    And worst of all, there’s a sex tape with him and his victim, yet he was proved innocent?

  4. twgNo Gravatar
    Posted April 27, 2010 at 12:04 pm | Permalink

    If you’ve never seen the South Park Scientology episode where everyone hides in the closet, like say Tom Cruise, and R. Kelly is there and keeps pulling out his gun, I recommend it highly.

    Second “I Want to Piss on You.” It’s on my iPod.

  5. BlowJoyNo Gravatar
    Posted April 27, 2010 at 12:46 pm | Permalink

    You canNOT post Real Talk without also posting the official video for it, which is amazing.


    • Britni TheVadgeWigNo Gravatar
      Posted April 27, 2010 at 5:40 pm | Permalink

      I had never seen the official video. AMAZING.

  6. sqweakersNo Gravatar
    Posted April 28, 2010 at 2:12 am | Permalink

    Oh britni welcome to the wondrous world of modern R & B music. If you think he’s shitastic I think you would enjoy ginuwine

  7. EpiphoraNo Gravatar
    Posted April 28, 2010 at 5:36 am | Permalink


    • sqweakersNo Gravatar
      Posted April 29, 2010 at 1:59 am | Permalink

      LMAO! He has that effect on people.

  8. AvaNo Gravatar
    Posted April 28, 2010 at 6:28 am | Permalink

    I’m drunk, at the moment, so these songs are pretty funny. If I wasn’t drunk, I’d probably ranting about how this is the problem with society today.

    I actually liked R Kelly’s old stuff. Even if it all had problematic content, it wasn’t this problematic. :\

    And yet, R Kelly will always be richer than me.

  9. jacquieNo Gravatar
    Posted April 28, 2010 at 12:08 pm | Permalink

    I’m left with a feeling of “he can’t be serious. is he serious? he’s not serious. wait, is he serious?” that I think he simply must be going for.

    Either that or it’s the crack.

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