My friend overdosed this weekend.

They’re placing time of death sometime around Sunday night. His body was found Wednesday night, when they broke the door down because no one could get in touch with him. When I think of the scene, all I can think of is what it must have smelled like.

I recently found out that I was one of the last people to see him. I was there Friday evening. His girlfriend saw him Saturday evening, and said he didn’t talk to anyone after I left Friday. Which means that, except for his girlfriend, I *was* the last person to see him.

I know that his death is in no way, shape, or form my fault.


In his last few months, he had started to isolate. I was one of the few people still in touch with him. I would see him once, maybe twice a week. Sometimes, he would call me and be so fucked up that he was slurring and I didn’t know what he was saying. The next time I saw him, he would say he didn’t remember calling me.

He sold drugs. Pills. Coke. Weed. But, he always seemed to be on something that was one step higher than the stuff he was selling. I never pried.

Friday evening, when I was over there, was the first time he mentioned pills besides Percocet. He mentioned Roxys and OCs. Those scare me. They scare my friends. We don’t get anywhere near those (for those that don’t know much about drugs, they’re prescription opiates that are basically synthetic heroin). I didn’t even stop to consider that the explanation for how fucked up he would get, for him passing out while sitting up, lie in those pills. If I had been looking harder, I would have connected the dots. I didn’t.

That Sunday, he took too many and didn’t wake up. On Wednesday night, when no one had gotten in touch with him for 3 days and his car hadn’t moved, police broke his door down. All I can think about is that smell. No one deserves to lay there for days. No one.

I know it’s not my fault, yet I can’t help but beat myself up. He stopped talking to almost everyone, and I was one of the few that stayed in touch. Why didn’t I see? Why didn’t I acknowledge? Why didn’t I take action? I’m fucking trained in this shit! And while I always say that I’m not a therapist to myself or my friends, I can’t help but kick myself for not catching this, though I know that my isolated interactions with him were not enough to gauge the full extent of the problem.

I know this isn’t on me, and there’s nothing I could have done, but at the moment, being one of the last to see him, I feel a sense of guilt. It’ll shake eventually, but right now, it’s there.

And even though I wasn’t there, I can’t clean that smell out of my nostrils.

If anyone leaves a comment that pertains to me, or my supposed drug use, it will be deleted. You don’t know me or my habits, and I can promise you that what I’m writing about and what I do are very different. In fact, I have never touched any of the drugs that played a part in killing my friend. All I ask is that you be respectful, and please, do not tell me how I’m going to be next if I’m not careful. You’ve tried that already, and that’s not what I need to hear right now.

This entry was posted in Self Medication, Soul Searching. Bookmark the permalink. Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.


  1. Nell GwynneNo Gravatar
    Posted April 24, 2010 at 8:59 am | Permalink

    I’m so incredibly sorry to hear about that. I have had many “Why didn’t I see that coming” moments, and it’s hard to think about what might have been. *hug*. I hope you get the love and support you need to get through this.

  2. KivrinNo Gravatar
    Posted April 24, 2010 at 9:13 am | Permalink

    I’m really sorry about your friend. Start to write/ramble more, but can’t think of anything truly helpful to say. So I’ll just let you know that I’m sending positive thoughts your way. *hug*

  3. NickNo Gravatar
    Posted April 24, 2010 at 9:23 am | Permalink

    I understand how you feel. My girlfriend made a friend nearby who was a recovering addict who found out her soon to be husband was abusing behind her back. We helped her move out and get her life on track but she started acting reckless and abusing our good faith. We cut her off. Two months later when it seemed her life was turning around we planned to visit on a weekend. That Friday night she ODed on some pills a friend handed to her while they were drinking. They were regular meds. Something she apparently started abusing after recovering from her coke and heroine addictions.

    We went to the funural and her parents were very grateful for our help… but one thing that disturbed us was that they mentioned how she started turning things around when she thought she lost us as friends. Can’t help but think about how she might have lived if we kept being her friends and that fateful situation would have never came up.

    Her son was absent from the funeral as they haven’t told him. It has been about 4 months and I can’t say we have completely recovered.


  4. BrigitNo Gravatar
    Posted April 24, 2010 at 9:46 am | Permalink

    I’m so sorry for your loss. My husband lost his best friend to an opiate overdose as well. The feelings of guilt over not preventing it are still there, even though we were living in different states and could not reach him. I hope you can get all the support you need to get through this. [[hugs]]

  5. EvaNo Gravatar
    Posted April 24, 2010 at 10:31 am | Permalink

    I’ve had a friend die of an overdose not long ago as well. I don’t know if you remember the drawing I did of a friend who died, but it was him. When someone dies, it’s hard not to be full of guilt for what one could have done different or better. Feeling guilty isn’t going to change anything though, and it’s impossible to live as such a perfect superhero that if someone dies, there is nothing to be guilty about :/

  6. JoshNo Gravatar
    Posted April 24, 2010 at 11:11 am | Permalink

    I’m sorry…I teach high school and a former student of mine who transferred to another high school just OD’d on Oxys…I am sorry and know there are a lot of peopel here too who wish they connected the dots.
    At least whatever pain they were in is long gone now huh?

  7. phoenixNo Gravatar
    Posted April 24, 2010 at 11:35 am | Permalink

    I am so very sorry for your loss.

  8. SkyddsDrakeNo Gravatar
    Posted April 24, 2010 at 12:39 pm | Permalink

    As you said you already know, it’s not your fault. It’s NOT your fault. And yet, guilt seems like one of the most frequently experienced emotions when finding out someone you know has died unexpectedly. I think, perhaps, this tendency might be even more frequent in mental health professionals. People that are “trained in this shit.” Because we should have seen… we should “figure it out.” What we should really know, however, is that when someone is caught in that kind of spiral can be pretty good at keeping concerns to themselves. Or, they might let you know that “I’m fine, I’m fine! Don’t you go trying to shrink my head and shit.” And we want to believe it, because we’re close to them and it’s always harder to be objective (as objective as we can be) with someone we’re close to.

    Like others have said, though, anything I have to say isn’t likely to be all that helpful. Though I don’t really know you, my thoughts are with you during this period of mourning. Heartfelt blessings…

  9. alanaNo Gravatar
    Posted April 24, 2010 at 12:54 pm | Permalink

    Hang in there. Remember this isn’t about you (which I mean in a nice way) and we’re all responsible for the decisions we make. There’s no point beating yuorself up over something you can’t change. You will anyways though huh? Just the way we work I guess.

  10. Nadia WestNo Gravatar
    Posted April 24, 2010 at 1:16 pm | Permalink

    My best friend ever has had long term drug and alcohol addictions. I eventually had to pull away from her for my own sanity, but I felt guilty nonetheless. I only hear from her sporadically these days, and when it’s been a good year or two since I’ve heard from her I sometimes start checking the social security death index to see if she’s listed. I always hope not, but knowing how addicted she is I realize it’s a real possibility.

    You can’t save people – they have to save themselves. I always made clear to my friend that she had my support if she wanted to stop using, but she rarely made that choice for very long. Still, I hope that in the time since I’ve heard from her she’s managed to stay sober. I always hold out hope.

    So sorry to hear about your friend.

  11. PixieNo Gravatar
    Posted April 24, 2010 at 2:24 pm | Permalink

    I’m very sorry for you loss

  12. EveNo Gravatar
    Posted April 24, 2010 at 3:43 pm | Permalink

    I’m really sorry to hear about that. :(

    I’ve never had somebody close to me die, so I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like for you right now, but you have my sympathies. I think guilt is a normal reaction when something horrible happens to someone we care about because we just wish we could make it better but we’re helpless to do anything about it. I know you know this, but it’s not your fault. Not even a little bit. I wish there was something I could say to make it better. *hugs*

  13. Another Suburban MomNo Gravatar
    Posted April 24, 2010 at 4:52 pm | Permalink

    I am very sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the pain and guilt that you are feeling right now.

    I also feel bad for his other friends and family. I hate when people die young.

  14. danielleNo Gravatar
    Posted April 24, 2010 at 7:25 pm | Permalink

    Shit, that sucks. I had a friend who OD’d too, so I know how you must be feeling. . It sounds cliche, but if people don’t want to be helped, then there’s nothing you can do.

  15. RedNo Gravatar
    Posted April 24, 2010 at 10:26 pm | Permalink

    I’m so sorry for your loss. No matter how someone you care about dies, one always finds a way to feel guilty. I think it’s a human reaction. It’s not your fault; it’s just a part of grieving. Be well, dear one. ::hug::

  16. alphafemmeNo Gravatar
    Posted April 25, 2010 at 2:25 am | Permalink

    Oh sweetie I’m so sorry, that’s so devastating. I hear you on the feeling of guilt that you can’t dispel although you rationally know it doesn’t belong; I hope you can just keep reminding yourself that you are in no way culpable.


  17. BobFNo Gravatar
    Posted April 25, 2010 at 12:30 pm | Permalink

    I join the chorus of folks offering their sympathy to you and your friend’s friends and family. Reminds me of my discovery that an escort I was seeing late last year was doing heroin in my bathroom while here. She didn’t want to hear anything from me, a paying customer, about the dangers of her lifestyle. But as she became more comfortable with me, she took her habit out of the bathroom and I found how she used the cash she got from our visits to feed her needs. I even went with her once to make a buy. Our last time together she was so totally fucked up that the time together was no fun at all. All she wanted to do was sleep. I’ve tried to reach her a few times since then, but have had no reply. I can only hope that she is ok.

  18. NelfyNo Gravatar
    Posted April 25, 2010 at 4:11 pm | Permalink

    I am really sorry for your loss. I can understand how you feel, but at the same time I want to join in with everbody else who has said that it is not your fault. Addiction is something the addict has to overcome themselves, nobody else can do that for them. Even if you had known, you couldn’t have prevented him from taking pills if that was what he wanted to. *Hugs*

  19. AmyNo Gravatar
    Posted April 25, 2010 at 4:29 pm | Permalink

    I hope that you’re okay. I’m really sorry, although I hate how trite that sounds. Look after yourself lovely, I know it’s going to be shit.


  20. SuspiriaNo Gravatar
    Posted April 25, 2010 at 9:29 pm | Permalink

    I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. If you were one of the few people still in touch with him, there really isn’t much more you could have done. I wish you all the strength and support you need during this time.

  21. Essin' EmNo Gravatar
    Posted April 27, 2010 at 8:42 pm | Permalink

    Hugs. And pretty much ditto on everyone above.

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *


You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Subscribe without commenting

  • This site contains adult content and is not intended for anyone under the age of 18. Under 18? Click here:


  • Britni TheVadgeWig

    PhotobucketI'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
    Photobucket Photobucket
  • Because I Am a Shameless, Broke-Ass Bitch

    All donations are welcome, of course! You can always buy me something off my wishlist, as well.

  • Get Yourself Off

    Good Vibes PinkCherry Sex Toys Love yourself. Everyday. Tickle. Photobucket ER-150x250-1a_3 / JT's Stockroom
  • Photobucket
  • See My Writing At

    Photobucket Photobucket
  • Watch Them Get Off

    visit Photobucket visit
  • The What

  • The Who

  • Go Back In Time