I have this kind of weird bond with The Bruiser. This, of course, is totally one-sided. He treats me like shit. Calls me when it suits him, and I always answer. No matter what. No matter the time, the day, the circumstance. He calls, I answer. He knows that he has me whenever he wants me. And I hate that. Because I deserve better than that. I don’t want to date him. I don’t even really want to fuck him. I just want his respect.
I guess that’s what I’ve always wanted. I’ve remained his “friend” because I hoped we could get back to where we started, before we ever slept together. Or even less than that. Just, you know, acknowledge that you’ve met me before when in public. That’s too much to ask, of course. And no matter how many times I say to him, “Just say HI to me! Just acknowledge me when we see each other out!”, the fact that I continue to answer and go over even when he doesn’t do that proves that he doesn’t have to. I know this.
I’ve made a lot of excuses for him. I’ve put up with a lot of bullshit from him. I know he has “issues.” But I’ve also seen who he really is. I know he’s scared. I know he has a great heart. I know that he likes me more than he’d ever admit. But none of those things can make up for the way he’s treated me. I’ve put up with so much bullshit.
I’ve sat at bars where he’s ignored me all night, only to text me on his drive home, “Come fuck.”
I’ve left promising dates because he called.
I’ve gotten up and left after fucking, because he wanted to sleep alone.
I’ve bought him presents because I knew they were things he wanted.
I’ve been disrespected more by him than I was by the guy that abused me. And I’ve continued to make excuses for him. Because the thing is, I’ve seen a side of him that he doesn’t let many people see. I get why he acts the way he does. I know the motivations, and I understand that he pushes people away when they get too close. So, I rationalize for him.
He’s scared to get hurt.
His wall is built too high.
You don’t know what it’s like when it’s just the two of us.
All I want is sex; it’s fine!
But it’s not fine. I don’t care how well we get along when no one else is around. I don’t care what the reasons for his actions are. I don’t care if every single one of his friends agrees with my assessment of the situation. The fact is, I’ve put up with his shit way too long. I can love someone with all my heart, but I can’t fix them. And I can’t wait around for them to fix themselves. I can be willing to overlook as many flaws as they could ever have, but if they’re not willing to treat me like a human being, I’m allowing myself to be abused. Here I am, the domestic violence counselor, teaching women how to be assertive and what not to allow, yet I allow myself to be treated that way in my own life.
There’s a lot about myself I have to examine. I’m an awesome person. I deserve love. Profligacy loves me. There are other people that would give their right arm to date me. So why do I gravitate towards the ones that don’t want me? Why can’t I handle rejection? Why do I make excuses for people, instead of refusing to recognize that all I’m really doing is allowing myself to be abused? Again?
All I know is that there comes a point when enough is enough. I want to say that I’ve reached it, but I’ve said that before. All I can do is delete the number and hope that when it calls again (as it always does), I’ll be strong enough not to answer.