I have this kind of weird bond with The Bruiser. This, of course, is totally one-sided. He treats me like shit. Calls me when it suits him, and I always answer. No matter what. No matter the time, the day, the circumstance. He calls, I answer. He knows that he has me whenever he wants me. And I hate that. Because I deserve better than that. I don’t want to date him. I don’t even really want to fuck him. I just want his respect.
I guess that’s what I’ve always wanted. I’ve remained his “friend” because I hoped we could get back to where we started, before we ever slept together. Or even less than that. Just, you know, acknowledge that you’ve met me before when in public. That’s too much to ask, of course. And no matter how many times I say to him, “Just say HI to me! Just acknowledge me when we see each other out!”, the fact that I continue to answer and go over even when he doesn’t do that proves that he doesn’t have to. I know this.
I’ve made a lot of excuses for him. I’ve put up with a lot of bullshit from him. I know he has “issues.” But I’ve also seen who he really is. I know he’s scared. I know he has a great heart. I know that he likes me more than he’d ever admit. But none of those things can make up for the way he’s treated me. I’ve put up with so much bullshit.
I’ve sat at bars where he’s ignored me all night, only to text me on his drive home, “Come fuck.”
I’ve left promising dates because he called.
I’ve gotten up and left after fucking, because he wanted to sleep alone.
I’ve bought him presents because I knew they were things he wanted.
I’ve been disrespected more by him than I was by the guy that abused me. And I’ve continued to make excuses for him. Because the thing is, I’ve seen a side of him that he doesn’t let many people see. I get why he acts the way he does. I know the motivations, and I understand that he pushes people away when they get too close. So, I rationalize for him.
He’s scared to get hurt.
His wall is built too high.
You don’t know what it’s like when it’s just the two of us.
All I want is sex; it’s fine!
But it’s not fine. I don’t care how well we get along when no one else is around. I don’t care what the reasons for his actions are. I don’t care if every single one of his friends agrees with my assessment of the situation. The fact is, I’ve put up with his shit way too long. I can love someone with all my heart, but I can’t fix them. And I can’t wait around for them to fix themselves. I can be willing to overlook as many flaws as they could ever have, but if they’re not willing to treat me like a human being, I’m allowing myself to be abused. Here I am, the domestic violence counselor, teaching women how to be assertive and what not to allow, yet I allow myself to be treated that way in my own life.
There’s a lot about myself I have to examine. I’m an awesome person. I deserve love. Profligacy loves me. There are other people that would give their right arm to date me. So why do I gravitate towards the ones that don’t want me? Why can’t I handle rejection? Why do I make excuses for people, instead of refusing to recognize that all I’m really doing is allowing myself to be abused? Again?
All I know is that there comes a point when enough is enough. I want to say that I’ve reached it, but I’ve said that before. All I can do is delete the number and hope that when it calls again (as it always does), I’ll be strong enough not to answer.
I'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
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When I read this—”You don’t know what it’s like when it’s just the two of us.”—I thought: “Oh man. C’mon Brit, you know what that means. I know you know what that means!” And then, a few paragraphs later, you said it: “I’m allowing myself to be abused.” It’s good that you’re admitting it. That’s the first step to changing the situation.
It sure is hard, though, isn’t it?
that’s a walk-away situation – for me. you just have to allow your brain to take over. balance on two hands: me – him. who weighs in with the most? hard though… cause you have named him your safe place. but is he safe all-round? tough choices. good luck, sweetie.
Is it possible that you are exploiting his hangups in order to gratify your masochism? I ask because I’ve most certainly done this.
No. I just have a tendency to want to fix people. It’s unhealthy.
“But I’ve also seen who he really is.”
This statement makes me think of parents saying of their criminally violent son, ‘He’s a good boy really… ‘.
Yeah, he’s really not and I don’t care how nice he is to his mother.
“I’m an awesome person. I deserve love.”
Yes, you are. And yes, you do.
Change his ring tone to silent so that you don’t even hear it.
Good luck with it, sweetie.
Ferns
/agree
That parent analogy is absolutely perfect. You’re reaching as far as you can to find excuses for his behavior because you don’t want to believe he’s bad for you. We’ve all done it. A good majority of women think they can ‘fix’ the men they want to be with.
I’d recommend changing your number all together and not giving it to him and avoiding places he frequents, like the bar. Yeah, it sucks, but sometimes big, annoying, inconvenient, unfair changes are necessary to do what’s best for you.
I hit send too early. I meant to say, therapy will help a ton with issues like this, and also make you a better therapist. Not sure what your state’s laws are like but i believe in mine a therapist cannot be licensed unless they go through their own therapy. You’re right about one thing – you deserve better and until you believe it, really believe it, the bruiser and other reasonable facsimiles will just do what you allow them to.
I don’t know the whole back story, but I’ve picked up bits and pieces. So all I can really say is, YES, you deserve love *and* respect. And also, even small steps forward are steps in the right direction.
xoxo
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is walk away from a situation we know is bad for us. You try to justify a reason to stay because its familiar to you even if you know it’s not good for you. And you can see all the good in a person you want, and you can understand their actions perfectly. But if they don’t treat you how you know you deserve to be treated then they’re not worth sticking around for.
I say this all from experience. I let myself be abused as well. You’re a stronger person than me. It took him telling me to get out of his life for me to actually realize everything you said in your post.
<3
I have done this. I have said “enough,” too, but it is very, very hard. I’m very lonely, but at least I’m lonely with my pride and my principles intact, and I won’t pass by someone who cares about me because I’m busy chasing after someone who doesn’t.