More Normal Than You Think

“If loving you makes a slave of me, then I’ll spend my whole life in chains.”
-Sophie B. Hawkins

One of the things that I always say when people inquire about the dynamics of my relationship with Profligacy is, “I think people picture this scary Dom with a flogger in His hand 24/7, but it’s really not like that. We’re more normal than you think.” Reading a post on rayne’s blog recently, she said exactly the opposite thing regarding her relationship with her Master.

“I guess our life kind of is a 24/7 scene when Master’s home. Which is more often than not, these days… He almost always has something to hit me with in His hands. If He doesn’t, He uses His hands.”

I laughed a little when I read that, because it’s so different than what I’m always trying to make people understand about my relationship. It also reminded me how much D/s relationships can vary. On a recent post, Epiphora commented that she liked reading that “there are times when we slip out of our roles and are just two people in love. He’s not ‘scary Master’ and I’m not ‘helpless, obedient sub’ at all times, and it’s unrealistic to expect us to be.” I think a lot of people unfamiliar with D/s have an image of these relationships in their heads that isn’t what the reality of them often is. However, that’s partially our fault, for only talking about or showing the BDSM aspects of our relationships, and not the other parts, as well. I notice it most when reading blogs written by female Dominants, but I often wonder how people can miss the love that comes through the words being shared. I can sense it easily.

And Profligacy and I have a lot of love. In fact, I’d consider this to be the most loving, affectionate, vom-inducingly sweet relationship I’ve ever been in. We tell each other we love each other all the time. He protects me and takes care of me, looks out for me, and coddles me. If you were to see us in public, you wouldn’t see anything more than two people that are madly in love with one another. Yes, I stand up and place His napkin in His lap before sitting down. Yes, He orders for me, and so the menu remains unopened on my plate. Yes, He speaks to the server for me, unless I am directed to answer.
But these are the little, every day rituals that keep our D/s dynamic in place. They’re rituals and protocol that are like second nature, because I’m so used to doing them. And for me, performing those rituals is nothing more than my way of showing Profligacy how much I love Him. He wants me to do these things for Him. And as a show of my love for Him, I do. And over the course of an entire meal, save for those small little gestures that I’m required to perform, we’re completely normal. I call Him, “Sir,” in conversation, but the conversation is easy and pleasant. I can express my feelings and opinions. We can wax poetic about this, that, and the other thing. Just like every other couple.
At night, when we crawl into bed together, I may be chained and locked to the bed, but there’s more to our bedtime interaction than just Profligacy locking me into bed. That physical act of Him placing the lock and chain onto my collar is one of the most intimate that we exchange. It’s a sign of my devotion to Him, and His ownership of me. It’s not so much an “I possess you” thing as it is an “I want you to feel safe, and I vow to protect you” thing. Once I’m locked in, I curl up on His chest, or spoon into that nook that I fit into so perfectly. We never stop touching each other, even as we sleep. He kisses my forehead. I stroke His belly. And yeah, we fuck a lot. But that’s normal, too!
I write Him love letters that are as sugary sweet as anyone else’s. We even made photos out of them! But yes, we have scenes. Our relationship ebbs and flows, with there being times when we’re more formal with our dynamic and He is stricter with me. But there are times when we’re looser and more lax about it. I still expect to get a text that lets me know that I’m going to be beaten when He gets home, because that’s what He wants. I still expect that on a regular basis, I will be treated like every bit His little whore and cum slut, because that’s what I am. I still expect to be called in to the bathroom to get pissed on without any warning, because that’s what He felt like doing to me. But those things also reinforce our dynamic and make everything more intimate and more intense, like I described in my post on traumatic bonding through aftercare. Those things make us love each other more, and make us bonded to each other more.
Not every D/s couple is as affectionate and blatantly loving as we are. There are many different ways to have a D/s relationship. This is the way that works for us. And truthfully, it’s the first time that either one of us has experienced such tenderness within the dynamic; Profligacy isn’t used to wanting to give such affection and loving gestures to His subs, just like I’m not used to receiving them from a Dom. But it works for us.
We’re a lot more normal than you think. I want to try and relate more of those pieces of our relationship, too, and not just the rough, degrading, painful sex. Because while the latter is very much a part of our relationship, so is the former.
Photo source.
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  1. 13messages
    Posted January 20, 2010 at 12:36 am | Permalink

    Beautifully shared. I love the love that the two of you have for one another.

  2. theybelongtous
    Posted January 20, 2010 at 1:19 am | Permalink

    I love that we get to see the soft and hard pieces of your relationship. It makes it more real to me. (Not as if how I see it matters, but ya know.)


  3. moresexchocolateandredlipstick
    Posted January 20, 2010 at 4:44 am | Permalink

    Yup, I've always known that you guys are, as you put it, vom-inducingly sweet. But that's how I like my relationships too!

    Although how you sleep with a chain on is beyond me, I'm far too wriggly for that sort of thing!

    —Amy xxxx

  4. Ferns
    Posted January 20, 2010 at 7:33 am | Permalink

    "I often wonder how people can miss the love that comes through
    the words being shared…"

    You referenced my blog in that phrase, and it makes me happy that you see what I put into it. I have an answer for your question, or a theory at least.

    I think people see what they want to see, they project based on their own experience and desires. I think that's human nature.

    You see the love and affection in those relationships because it reflects your relationship and where you are. Others see harshness and distance because that's what they desire and want to see.

    The number of times that submissive men think that I am some bitch goddess is staggering. I look at my words and I wonder how they get that impression, and it can only be because they will read into my words the thing that they want to see. It really has nothing to do with me or what I write.


  5. Britni TheVadgeWig
    Posted January 20, 2010 at 7:43 am | Permalink

    Ferns, sometimes I wonder if it's a male/female thing. I sense the love, because, as a female, I tend to be more emotional and sensitive. Men are more excited by the sexual aspects, so that's what they focus on.

    Massive generalizations, but a theory.

  6. Ferns
    Posted January 20, 2010 at 8:06 am | Permalink

    I'm reluctant to draw gender lines around it, but you could be right. I would extend it in BDSM to those males who have no experience with D/s relationship.

    I think the blatant sexuality expressed by those who are public about BDSM is also a factor. Most male submissives come into BDSM all about the kinky stuff and don't even consider that it can be part of a normal relationship. If they have never been in a D/s relationship, the context of it is not something that they can relate to. No different from virgins being exposed to vanilla sex blogs or sites, the boys who haven't had much of it seek out the 'good bits' and largely ignore the rest.

    I started my blog to try and show something a little more than the 'acts' in a femdom relationship, but those who just see the acts and nothing more are going to just see that no matter what.

    I was going to leave my comment there, but one more thing that strikes me is that the filtered/projected view is exactly why some vanilla folks would read what you and I write and see something horrible and wrong. They (male or female) are not going to see love or hotness, they will see abuse or sickness. A different kind of projection, but the same principle and certainly not defined by gender.


  7. Saynine
    Posted January 20, 2010 at 8:53 am | Permalink

    I think in a way you hit upon the crux of it all in your title. "Normal" one of the beautiful things to me about BDSM relationships is that each one seems to seek it's own "Normal".

    And anyone who cannot see the Love between you two is simply not paying attention.

  8. The Beautiful Kind
    Posted January 20, 2010 at 9:08 am | Permalink

    I found that discovering BDSM was like discovering sex all over again. It brings many symbolic parts of a relationship to life, makes them more vivid, ACKNOWLEDGES THEM. Example: you being chained to the bed at night.
    BDSM can be very intense, but it can also be fun and playful.
    I love that we have such a wide range to express ourselves – from vanilla to deep, dark spiced chocolate…

  9. Truly
    Posted January 20, 2010 at 9:22 am | Permalink

    I love what TBK said about BDSM bringing symbolic parts of a relationship to life; that seems exactly right. It's sort of like a magnifying glass that enlarges dynamics that are always there, but usually not in sharp focus. And every couple, vanilla or d/s, has rituals and rites that might seem strange to anyone outside the relationship, but that are a big part of the glue—the love—that holds that couple together.

  10. elitza
    Posted January 20, 2010 at 10:27 am | Permalink

    So very glad you posted this. Thank you again; I just love seeing this side of you two.

  11. Meg
    Posted January 21, 2010 at 1:04 am | Permalink

    Your whole relationship with Profligacy has been educational for me, having never known anything about D/s relationships and their dynamics. I always figured it was just a sexual kink, and not a whole style of having a relationship (if that makes sense). I'm glad that you guys are happy, and hope that things work out for you to live nearer each other or together. : )

  12. Sulpicia
    Posted January 22, 2010 at 3:50 pm | Permalink

    Wow. De-lurking day for me. I've often wanted to say that you have such an amazing ability to get to the heart of things, the hardest of places, in a way that reads so naturally and beautifully. You find the little corners and shine some lights. You de-bunk crap. So… I'll say thanks, again. Oh, right, and you make me laugh, too!

  13. Epiphora
    Posted January 23, 2010 at 7:23 pm | Permalink

    This may be one of your best posts ever. It's so truthful and sweet, and so enlightening.

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