Conversations With My Parents, Or Why I Need To Move Out

My mother is nosy, to say the least. Living at home is a pain in the ass sometimes, because even though I’m 25 years old, my parents don’t always remember that. My dad is better about it than my mom is. My mom knows that I get sent sex toys to review, because I had to tell her why I received so many packages, despite not having a job and being broke. She knows that I managed an adult toy store, so telling her that I own sex toys really isn’t a big deal.

[A package arrived for me.]
Mom: “What did you get? I want to see!”
Me: “I got this. It’s a waterproof blanket.”
Mom: “Like, for messy sex?”
Me: “Yes.”
Mom: “Why would you need that?”
[I try to think of a way to avoid telling my mom that I am a squirter.]
Me: “Well, since I am sent the toys I review for free, I can’t always pick what I get sent. Sometimes they send me things that I don’t need, or really want.”
Mom: “Oh.”
Mom: “What is this red case that’s always on your bed?”
Me: “A case.”
Mom: “Is it for makeup? You don’t wear makeup.”
Me: “*sigh* Mom…”
Mom: “How many different toys do you really need?”
Me: “You’d be surprised.”
Mom: “Aren’t they all the same?”
Me: “No. There’s vibrating and non-vibrating. Curved, not curved. Hard, soft. Stuff for nipples. Butt toys…”
Mom: “Ew. Stop. Butt toys? I don’t want to know any more. That’s gross.”

Mom: “Give me your keys in case we find a car we like when we go look today.”
Me: “Here. I can’t get this off, though.”
[I show her the small key on my keyring, which is to the lock that goes on my collar.]
Mom: “What’s that for?”
Me: “Mom, it’s mine. Can’t I have a little privacy?”
Me: “Mom, stop! I’m 25 freaking years old!”
Mom: “Fine. You’re not getting a new car then.”
Me: “Really, Mom?! Fine. It’s to the lock that goes on my collar. Profligacy locks me into it.”
Mom: “You’re disgusting.”
[I've just packed to head to the airport to visit Profligacy.]
Mom, lifting my luggage full of sex toys: “Why’s this bag so heavy? What’s in here?”
Me: “Stuff.”
Mom: “Stuff? …I don’t want to know, do I?”
Me: “Nope.”

Dad, asking me what I want for dinner: “So, what are you thinking….”

[His eyes trail off to the thighcuffs sitting on my dresser, waiting to be reviewed.]
Dad: “What are these? For working out?”
Me: “Yeah, sure.”
[I have not stepped foot in a gym in the 2 and a half years I have lived at home. Dad, realization spreading across his face, drops it abruptly.]
Dad: “So, pizza?”
Me: “Yeah, pizza’s fine.”
Mom: “So, what did you get in the mail today? Or should I not ask?”
Me: “I got the toy I won in that contest. [I show it to her]. And something from Profligacy.”
Mom, looking at the mess of cuffs on my bed, picks up a wrist cuff: “This?”
Me: “No. I already had those. These.”
[I pick up the ankle cuff and show it to her.]
Me: “They match.”
Mom: “Is this, like, S&M stuff?”
Me: “Mm hm.”
Mom: “That’s what you and Profligacy are into?”
Me: “Mm hm.”
Mom: “I hope he doesn’t hurt you or anything.”
Me: “Nope.”
I’ve told her 100 times not to ask questions she doesn’t want to know the answers to. She never learns.
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  1. Meg
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 12:27 am | Permalink

    Fortunately, my mom has learned not to ask me (not that I have a lot to tell). She does not know that I have sex toys (all two of them!) and she will never need to know.

    She once said, "Frankly hon, there are some things I don't need or want to know. Live your life."

  2. Epiphora
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 12:33 am | Permalink

    LOLLLL. I don't mean to laugh at your misfortune, but the pizza one and the last one amuse me greatly. The rest? *bangs head on wall*

  3. Colleen
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 12:40 am | Permalink

    You and I?

    Like sisters in misery.

    I feel you.

    Oh god I feel you.

    25 and at home and parents and explaining yourself and no privacy and…

    Let's make a young adults commune with privacy and sex and love and privacy and pizza and bondage areas and iron work beds and pretty boys and hot dykes and no questions about all the sex toys on your bed, desk, bookcase, floor, lamps, wall, ceiling, and dressers… and call it Heaven on Earth.

  4. Rockin' With a Cock in
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 12:47 am | Permalink

    Ahhh…this post was great. I will share my one and only related conversation that occurred as I was moving out. I have a toybox. It's a toolbox, really. I bought a lock for it and always kept it locked when I lived with the parents.

    When I was moving, my mom was helping me pack. She picked up the toolbox (which wasn't that heavy since it only had 4 toys in it) and asked, "Is this full? It feels pretty light." She wanted to pack more stuff into it.

    Me: "Oh, it's ok how it is."
    Mom: "Well can I see if I can pack more stuff into it?"
    Me: "Sure."
    Mom: "It's locked."
    Me: "Oh? That's neat."

    I was glad that she didn't go further with asking. :D

  5. jayndoh
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 12:51 am | Permalink

    Oh, oh wow. I did like the Dad one w/pizza, made me smile. I feel for you, I really do.

  6. BELLA
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 5:05 am | Permalink

    Oh how I can relate. My Ma found one of my sex toys I had accidentally left out (I don't think I was even 20 yet) and I blamed my best friend for giving it to me as a joke!

    While your post is pretty humorous, the unsaid agony of being a young adult that still lives at home rings loud and clear. I love my Ma to death and if it weren't for her I would not have a roof over my head, but someimes we want to strangle each other.

  7. Sa
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 6:22 am | Permalink

    My sister is the nosy one. One day she opens my bedside drawer (I mean, really) and finds sex toys. She immediately runs to my mother (she is twenty BTW) and tells her, horrified. My mother doesn't even lift her head from her booka and says: "Good for Sa. You should look into dildos, maybe you'd be less tense."

  8. Another Suburban Mom
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 7:08 am | Permalink

    As a mom, I can see that they are curious about what you are doing and concerned for your well being.

  9. sarahbear
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 7:22 am | Permalink

    Hehe. I don't live with my parents so I don't have that issue, but I don't think I would even if I did. My parents are pretty non-caring about that sort of thing. I bought my younger siblings(who are over 18 but lived at home) sex toys and stuff for Christmas and no one batted an eyelash.

    I show my mom stuff I got all the time and talk to her about it. She's commented that if I need all this stuff that my husband must not be doing his job, but I just tell her how much fun it is and how it spices things up. She's terrified of the Pure Wand and thinks it looks like a door knob.

  10. Saraid
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 10:03 am | Permalink

    I actually tried to tell my mom I reviewed once in the name of being "open" with her. She just freaked out and I haven't mentioned it since. She would die if she knew the amount I have.

  11. theybelongtous
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 10:55 am | Permalink

    My mother and sisters know I review toys. And they know (some of) what I have, as they read the blog. They have not asked questions about anything nor have they commented about them. I expect Sis2 to ask at some point, but who knows.

    When I lived with my parents right after I got home from the military, my Sil2 found a toy of mine and reported it to my brother. Who reported it to my parents. Who reported it to the pastor of the church. And I got hauled in to be chastised. None of them appreciated it when I told them all that what happened behind my bedroom door was between god and me, and it was none of their business what it was. I certainly didn't ask what they did behind their bedroom door.


    I have always been the black sheep though.


  12. Wilhelmina
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 12:02 pm | Permalink

    hahaha! oh, dear… = why i don't think i can ever live with my parents AND have privacy / not be treated like a kid. you sound like you're very patient with them.

    i ended up telling my mom i review sex toys, and the following comments ensued…

    Mom: don't you ever get tired of doing that? you're not really helping anyone by doing that, are you?
    Me: and people are "helped" by movie reviews, how?

    Me: *blogging in the living room* (4 people + tiny apartment = no privacy) Mom, can you not look?
    Mom: Why can't I look?? If you're writing something that you have to hide, then you just shouldn't write it!
    Me: *sigh*

  13. Topaz
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 12:47 pm | Permalink

    Oh, thanks for the chuckle! I don't live with the folks anymore, but oh, the days I did were interesting, and I should tell you it doesn't stop when you move…
    But your parents are a lot more open than most others would be. It's a blessing that they accept your sexual side.
    But all in all, entertaining stories! It shows a side of you I haven't yet seen. Thanks for sharing!

  14. alana
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 1:42 pm | Permalink

    This post is really funny and hopefully your mom gets the hint sooner or later.

    Oh, and Sa's mom sounds awesome.

  15. sqweakygurl
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 9:36 pm | Permalink

    I fortunately live thousands and thousands of miles away from my mom, so i never really worry about what she may and may not know. she doesn't ask and i don't tell, Sometimes i want to scream 'I’m in to BDSM!" and get it over with. But I’m not trying to press my luck. LoL

    I feel you though britni parents just don’t understand :\

  16. JonsBabydoll
    Posted January 22, 2010 at 12:14 am | Permalink

    Oh trust me, it doesn't get any better once you are away. I live with my Daddy, thousands of miles AWAY from my mother.

    We will be having a normal conversation, take this…

    Me: Was [cousin's] birthday party nice?

    Mom: Yeah [cousin] got some great gifts. It's always nice to see family.

    Me: Mmmhmm.

    Mom: So are you the Domme or a sub?

    Me: [shocked face] WHAT?

    Mom: You know, are you the Domme or the sub?

    Me: Um, the sub.

    Mom: *sighs disappointingly*

    O. M. G. They won't learn. Never will learn. Imagine if she knew I identified as a slave and not a sub! lmao. Goodness, I really don't want to think about that one…

One Trackback

  1. By You Say “Dyke” Like It’s A Bad Thing on September 1, 2010 at 12:02 am

    [...] the Queer Thing is the one thing she can’t come to terms with. She knows I review sex toys. She knows I’ve done “S&M” (her words, not mine) stuff. She knows I met the girlfriend of a guy I’d been kind of seeing. [...]

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