Same Shit, Different Site

Online dating sites are cesspools full of morons and douchebags. You have to weed through a lot of crap to even find one person worth talking to. But lifestyle websites are a breed all their own. They are still cesspools full of morons and douchebags, but they are home to a different type of moron and douchebag: the ego tripping, entitled Dominant. One of the good things about lifestyle sites is that you can usually tell pretty quickly from a cursory glance at a profile if you’re not going to be compatible with someone. All their kinks are laid out for you, and if they don’t match yours, then it’s pretty easy to determine that you probably won’t be a good match. However, these sites are still rife with bullshit. Especially as a female sub, I’m contacted by Dominant males constantly. What many of them fail to understand (ignoring the fact that I’m not actually currently seeking a Dominant) is that just because they are Dominant and I am submissive does not mean that I will automatically submit to them. I am not submissive to every Dominant. It just doesn’t work that way.

Another assumption that’s made is that I’m automatically going to *want* to be their slave simply because they contacted me and expressed their interest. I should be so lucky as to be able to serve them, you see. They send an initial message outlining exactly what they expect and are looking for, telling me that they can’t wait to hear back from me, because obviously that’s exactly what I want. Before they’ve even spoken to me or introduced themselves, they are already laying out in strict detail what the boundaries and dynamics of our relationship will be. For example:

“I require an object for total objectification and control, 24/7 permanent. This involves loss of identity and gender, and stripping away of all human habits. I am serious and experienced and seek trainable and usable property.”

That’s all well and good. And I require a man with a six figure income whose shit smells like roses, and is willing to execute a freak lightning “accident” that caused permanent disfigurement of Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, AKA “Speidi.” Whatever happened to, “Hi, my name is John. It’s nice to meet you?”

This next guy at least told me his name, but again, he makes a lot of assumptions about what I will want and be willing to do for him This message is jaw droppingly presumptuous, especially for a FIRST MESSAGE.

“My name is [Dom] and I am from [City], FL. I was taking a look at your profile and really liked what I saw. It seems you might be looking for the same type of situation I am. I am not new to the scene and know exactly what I want from this site. I am firstly looking for a slave that can hold a conversation with me and laugh and play with me. I will be the very dominant one at home and in public, but I will not draw attention to it and want to be able to go out with my slave and hang out with my friends. I want her to be able to hold conversations with my friends and be smiling most of the time. I don’t want only a doormat with no personality or somebody that acts like a robot. Yes, I believe in 100% obedience from a slave, but I also want a slave that can talk with me about day to day things when she is permitted to do so. So with that said, here is also what I expect from my slave-

I believe a slave is always obedient to her Master. I believe that a slave has no limits except for the ones which her Master places on her. I think a slave should be punished and disciplined through means of spanking, whipping, corner time, tied up and blindfolded for extended periods of time, degradation, etc. My slave will be there to serve and please me at all times. My needs will always come before hers. She will follow My long and in-depth set of rules. She will keep a clean house, always have food prepared for me, and will always be available to me in every way. Also, my slave will never be shared with other men. I may from time to time have my slave be with other women, but not men. Also- my slave will be height/weight proportionate. Sorry ladies, but if you can’t take care of yourself, how are you ever going to take care of your Man? I’m not talking about being a supermodel, as I am not the most in shape person in the world, but just please don’t message me if you are extremely overweight.

I do have the means to relocate somebody if I am to find the right person. I look forward to hearing from you and setting up a meeting to discuss this arrangement further.”

But the thing is, I could enter into three different relationships with three different Doms and the dynamics and rules of each of those relationships would be different even if all three were, for example, 24/7 relationships. The same formula doesn’t work for every relationship; the two people involved have to work out what works best for them. You can’t just send someone ground rules and expectations and think that they are going to immediately submit to them simply because you are D and they are s. You have to earn someone’s respect, trust, and submission. It’s not just handed to you.
Another common message involves the assumption that I am willing to relocate in order to be their 24/7 live-in slave. This is, of course, without ever having spoken to them before. They send you a message that says, “Hi, would you be willing to relocate to Timbuktu to be my full-time, live-in slave?” Well sorry buddy, but how the hell would I know? I’ve never spoken to you! Here is someone that sent me not just one of those messages, but five (his username also included the phrase “Dirty Old Man” which did not do him any favors):

“Hi, are you willing to relocate to [place]?”

“I asked if you would be willing to relocate to [place]?”

“If you do not let me know if you are willing to relocate, I cannot begin to consider your ownership.”

“Waiting to hear from you.”

“I liked your profile and wrote to you, including my picture, asking if you can come to Fort Myers. If your profile’s legit, I think we’d enjoy one another – a lot. 3 or 4 messages and you didn’t respond. Is your profile legit? Are you seriously interested in developing this type of relationship? “
Finally, I snapped and sent this:
“I didn’t respond because I wasn’t interested. I don’t respond to people that ask if I’d be willing travel before they’ve even spoken to me. It’s making an awful lot of assumptions with nothing to base them on.

Yes, I am a real person, yet asking me if I’m willing to relocate or travel before even sending an actual message automatically makes me delete it. Furthermore, your tone is inappropriate and you have not earned the right to speak to me in that way.

If you send 3 or 4 messages with no response, it usually means the person is not interested. If they are, they’ll answer you. Your persistence ends up being annoying and creepy and off putting. Now you’ve gotten the response you so desperately wanted.”

And yet, he still did not get it:

“If you are not willing to relocate, I don’t see a reason to continue this conversation.” [WHAT conversation?!]

People like this don’t realize how stupid they sound. I don’t know you. If you asked me right now if I would be willing to move to Timbuktu to serve you, of course I’d say no. But if I got to know you and liked you and felt that you were the person I wanted to be with, who’s to say that I wouldn’t be willing to relocate? So right now it’s a no, but in the future it could be a yes. But their impatience and need for instant and immediate gratification eliminates the possibility of that completely.
The thing is, the messages that catch my attention on a lifestyle site tend to look a lot like the ones that catch my attention on a vanilla dating site. They’re the ones that take the time to introduce themselves, make it obvious that they took the time to read my profile, and have something interesting and different to say. They don’t address sex at all. The only difference is that on the lifestyle site, I have the ability to click on their profile and see what they’re into and know right off the bat if our kinks are compatible with one another. But we’ll never even get to the kinky stuff if we don’t connect on a basic, personal level. Capture my mind first and the rest will follow. That’s a tip more guys, both kinky and vanilla, could stand to learn.
  • Share/Bookmark
This entry was posted in BDSM, Make Me A Match, Rape Culture, Relationships. Bookmark the permalink. Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.


  1. Red
    Posted September 9, 2009 at 12:31 am | Permalink

    I couldn't agree more. I had a guy email me on a vanilla site with "I HAVE REALLY SMOOTH HANDS" like, wtf?? Thankfully I haven't gotten any particularly annoying emails on fetlife…yet…

  2. theybelongtous
    Posted September 9, 2009 at 1:15 am | Permalink

    You're so smart. Are you willing to come to Cali so I can hug you? Please respond. Thanks!



    (Sorry, couldn't help it.)

  3. Sa
    Posted September 9, 2009 at 7:13 am | Permalink

    I love the assumption that if you are submissive you are automatically a house slave, cleaning all day long. What an appalling message.

  4. Ms. Inconspicuous
    Posted September 9, 2009 at 9:54 am | Permalink

    Ugh, I *hated* that on lifestyle sites–especially since rejecting someone meant that they would pretty much automatically question your "dedication".

    "Do x and x and x right now."

    "Um…I just met you. No."

    "I guess you aren't really a submissive then…"

    "No, you're just a DB-Dom (Douchebag Dom)."

    [True story: I once put on a profile that I was "open-minded"--which is true. A guy messaged me wanting to see me fucked by his dog. I declined, saying that was beyond my comfort and it didn't turn me on. He then went on a long diatribe about how I really wasn't "open-minded" at all... Uh. Okay, buddy.]

  5. champagneandbenzedrine
    Posted September 9, 2009 at 10:03 am | Permalink

    Isn't the whole point of a D/s relationship that the Submissive's needs are being met? These asshats are so wound up in what THEY want that they forget to inquire into what the so-called submissive is looking for in a relationship.

    It's the same mistake you see on Craiglist dating – idiots who write reams and reams about what they want from a dating partner (like that old height/weight appropriate) without explaining what they offer themselves.

    Relationships, even D/s ones, involve two people.

  6. eva
    Posted September 9, 2009 at 10:26 am | Permalink

    Ha ha fucking hell. I've had men emailing me on myspace asking me to marry them and such, I always thought of those messages as spam, and didn't take it seriously.
    It's worrying to think about the fact that there's REAL people behind messages like that. Why do they bother?? Will they eventually find someone who will travel to their country and marry them/fuck them/clean for them/give them their money/etcetc.. ??

  7. Jormengrund
    Posted September 9, 2009 at 10:33 am | Permalink

    As a uy talking here, I've got to say that I'm appalled that there are people out there who think that they are actually GOD incarnate.

    After all, I'm that person, dammit!

    Seriously.. To be able to go onto a website for the express purpose of meeting someone speaks volumes in and of itself.

    How exactly can you portray yourself as the most desirable person that you'll ever meet when you live in a city of over 2 million people, and you're looking to the internet to meet folks??

    Yeah. I'm disillusioned, but I'm also a bit of a realist.

    I'm just lucky and glad that I've found someone who's willing to put up with me, and that I can make her happy more often than I piss her off!

  8. Ghouldilocks
    Posted September 9, 2009 at 7:12 pm | Permalink

    THANK YOU. This is exactly what I've been dealing with on Fetlife. I get all these annoying messages from 40+ year-old men (I'm only 18!), who have no picture, trying to get me to submit to them. I'm not even a sub!

    And their messages are often only about a sentence long and poorly spelled.

    Sorry, Mr. 50 Year-Old Man With No Picture Who Lives Like A Billion Miles From Me, I will not be your slut. But thanks for playing! *deletes message*

  9. Sexy PTA Mom
    Posted September 11, 2009 at 1:57 pm | Permalink

    Oh my gosh! I'm sorry, but that guy who wanted you to travel was such an unbelievable idiot. Yes, I want a Master who is dumber than dirt. However did you know? Made me laugh, though. I'm glad you've found so much better!!

One Trackback

  1. By No Means No, Regardless of the Forum on April 18, 2010 at 8:59 pm

    [...] These advances often cross the line from unwanted to downright unacceptable. I’ve written a few posts about people crossing the line when it comes to online chat, and many other bloggers have [...]

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *


You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Subscribe without commenting

  • This site contains adult content and is not intended for anyone under the age of 18. Under 18? Click here:


  • Britni TheVadgeWig

    PhotobucketI'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
    Photobucket Photobucket
  • Because I Am a Shameless, Broke-Ass Bitch

    All donations are welcome, of course! You can always buy me something off my wishlist, as well.

  • Get Yourself Off

    Good Vibes PinkCherry Sex Toys Love yourself. Everyday. Tickle. Photobucket ER-150x250-1a_3 / JT's Stockroom
  • Photobucket
  • See My Writing At

    Photobucket Photobucket
  • Watch Them Get Off

    visit Photobucket visit
  • The What

  • The Who

  • Go Back In Time