Tell Me What You Want (What You Really, Really Want)

There’s only one way for you to be truly satisfied in bed with a partner: Communicate what it is that you want. People aren’t mind readers. We’re not psychic. If you never tell them that you want your ass slapped and hair pulled, how do you expect them to know that? Chances are, they’re not going to figure it out on their own, especially if it’s not something you’ve ever communicated an interest in before. They may not want to scare you or freak you out. And so they never try it. And you’ll never get what you want because you never told them that you wanted it. Is there a special spot that drives you wild and your partner hasn’t discovered it on their own? Tell them that. There are gentle ways to communicate what you want without offending your partner. Make more enthusiastic noises when they do something you like. Tell them, “Just like that. Keep doing that. Don’t stop!” when they find a spot that drives you crazy. Say, “You know what would be fun…?” or “I really like it when you…” Or, in the heat of the moment, growl, “Pull my hair!” Guess what? Chances are, they’ll listen. And if they see what kind of a reaction they get from doing these things, chances are, they’ll do them again.

Furthermore, if  you’re not sure if your partner likes something or they’re not one to communicate in bed, again, you’re not psychic. You can’t expect to know what someone likes or to be able to always figure it out on their own. So why don’t you try asking? “Does that feel good?” “What would you like me to do tonight?” “What’s your favorite position?” “Tell me about a fantasy you have.” Any or all of these questions, when asked in the right environment, are non-threatening and give the person a chance to let you know at least a little bit about what they want. You’ll never know, if you don’t ask.
So, folks, the moral of the story is that people cannot read minds. You can’t expect your partner to just *know* what you want, and then complain when you’re not getting it. The key to satisfaction in bed is as simple as communicating your wants and needs to your partner. And voila. Problem solved.
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  1. Gray
    Posted August 25, 2009 at 1:46 am | Permalink

    I couldn't agree with you more! If more people would communicate what they want/desire/need, there would be a lot happier people running around!

  2. Sa
    Posted August 25, 2009 at 3:25 am | Permalink

    But first we have to admit that we have desires and fantasies. Maybe it's the European in me, but I find the American vision of sexuality very sanitized and automatic-thus the idea that intercourse is vaginal penetration only etc.-whereas in Europe we are more conscious of the hard work involved, and the many discussions that can ensue. But such fun work!

  3. Topaz
    Posted August 25, 2009 at 7:33 am | Permalink

    I like the subject. Please comment on this:

    What happens when you openly communicate (as suggested above, like that, don't stop, increased volume), but your partner takes it as criticism (why you have to direct me) rather than positive reinforcement?

    And yes, I'm asking because I've experienced this.

  4. Another Suburban Mom
    Posted August 25, 2009 at 7:49 am | Permalink

    There is noting more important than communication. However both partners have to be willing to do the work on communication for it to work.

  5. Red
    Posted August 25, 2009 at 9:55 am | Permalink

    Nothing is better than a woman (or a man) whispering in your ear, with that sexy voice telling you what then want or need. What a turn on!

  6. Kara and Jessica
    Posted August 25, 2009 at 10:05 am | Permalink

    This is something that Me & Jess do all the time so I agree with the post. Since we started exploring D/s and some other things Jess has me keep a journal where I can write the things I wish to try or I think are interesting. It's worked out great for us. Kara XO

  7. Britni TheVadgeWig
    Posted August 25, 2009 at 10:47 am | Permalink

    Sa, I agree with you. However, I do think that there are subtle and gentle ways to get someone to at least tell you a little bit of what they want, even if they are conservative, repressed, or shy about it. I think this ties in with ASM's point that both partners need to be open to communicating.

    Topaz, unfortunately, there are insecure people that are going to take this as criticism, no matter how gently we put things. And that is a problem that is with them, not us. However, the ways that I am most likely to approach it are the ones I mentioned, like dropping little hints while the sex is going on, such as, "Keep doing that" or "Don't stop" or responding extra enthusiastically to something that feels good. The "You know what could be fun?" is also a non intimidating way to bring ideas up, too.

    But some people, no matter how you approach it, or going to feel criticized and that's a damn shame.

  8. Ms. Inconspicuous
    Posted August 25, 2009 at 11:32 am | Permalink

    I agree with this–somewhat.

    But the reason that communication can be so hard is that it carries great risk as well.

    For instance, you may communicate your desires, and if your partner is utterly unable to assist you with those desires THEY will feel inadequate (maybe they really want to please you, but just can't…or can't go there), and you will start to feel resentful (because dammit, you were open and honest, and you're still not getting what you want!).

  9. alana
    Posted August 25, 2009 at 12:52 pm | Permalink

    Great post! As I get older it seems obvious that pretty much everything is based on communication. lol

  10. Hubman
    Posted August 25, 2009 at 4:31 pm | Permalink

    As you know though, communication only works when the other person is receptive to the message…

    Great post!

  11. Topaz
    Posted August 26, 2009 at 7:09 am | Permalink

    I liked your response. It acknowledges the possibility of communication breakdown and the receiver's end, not just the sender's end. I guess some ego stroking would be in order!

    Great topic, btw!

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