There’s only one way for you to be truly satisfied in bed with a partner: Communicate what it is that you want. People aren’t mind readers. We’re not psychic. If you never tell them that you want your ass slapped and hair pulled, how do you expect them to know that? Chances are, they’re not going to figure it out on their own, especially if it’s not something you’ve ever communicated an interest in before. They may not want to scare you or freak you out. And so they never try it. And you’ll never get what you want because you never told them that you wanted it. Is there a special spot that drives you wild and your partner hasn’t discovered it on their own? Tell them that. There are gentle ways to communicate what you want without offending your partner. Make more enthusiastic noises when they do something you like. Tell them, “Just like that. Keep doing that. Don’t stop!” when they find a spot that drives you crazy. Say, “You know what would be fun…?” or “I really like it when you…” Or, in the heat of the moment, growl, “Pull my hair!” Guess what? Chances are, they’ll listen. And if they see what kind of a reaction they get from doing these things, chances are, they’ll do them again.
I'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
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11 Comments
I couldn't agree with you more! If more people would communicate what they want/desire/need, there would be a lot happier people running around!
But first we have to admit that we have desires and fantasies. Maybe it's the European in me, but I find the American vision of sexuality very sanitized and automatic-thus the idea that intercourse is vaginal penetration only etc.-whereas in Europe we are more conscious of the hard work involved, and the many discussions that can ensue. But such fun work!
I like the subject. Please comment on this:
What happens when you openly communicate (as suggested above, like that, don't stop, increased volume), but your partner takes it as criticism (why you have to direct me) rather than positive reinforcement?
And yes, I'm asking because I've experienced this.
There is noting more important than communication. However both partners have to be willing to do the work on communication for it to work.
Nothing is better than a woman (or a man) whispering in your ear, with that sexy voice telling you what then want or need. What a turn on!
This is something that Me & Jess do all the time so I agree with the post. Since we started exploring D/s and some other things Jess has me keep a journal where I can write the things I wish to try or I think are interesting. It's worked out great for us. Kara XO
Sa, I agree with you. However, I do think that there are subtle and gentle ways to get someone to at least tell you a little bit of what they want, even if they are conservative, repressed, or shy about it. I think this ties in with ASM's point that both partners need to be open to communicating.
Topaz, unfortunately, there are insecure people that are going to take this as criticism, no matter how gently we put things. And that is a problem that is with them, not us. However, the ways that I am most likely to approach it are the ones I mentioned, like dropping little hints while the sex is going on, such as, "Keep doing that" or "Don't stop" or responding extra enthusiastically to something that feels good. The "You know what could be fun?" is also a non intimidating way to bring ideas up, too.
But some people, no matter how you approach it, or going to feel criticized and that's a damn shame.
I agree with this–somewhat.
But the reason that communication can be so hard is that it carries great risk as well.
For instance, you may communicate your desires, and if your partner is utterly unable to assist you with those desires THEY will feel inadequate (maybe they really want to please you, but just can't…or can't go there), and you will start to feel resentful (because dammit, you were open and honest, and you're still not getting what you want!).
Great post! As I get older it seems obvious that pretty much everything is based on communication. lol
As you know though, communication only works when the other person is receptive to the message…
Great post!
I liked your response. It acknowledges the possibility of communication breakdown and the receiver's end, not just the sender's end. I guess some ego stroking would be in order!
Great topic, btw!