Conversations With My Mom

Mom: “So how was your weekend in Dallas? What did you do?”
Me: “We ate really good food all weekend! And we went to a sex toy store Thursday night, a strip club Friday night, and a lesbian club Saturday night.”
Mom: “Did your friends want to go to these places or were they trying to make *you* happy?”
Me: “Mom, they were totally down. We *are* friends for a reason, you know.”
Mom: “Were the guys at the strip club hot?”
Me: “It was a female strip club.”
Mom: “Oh. And you went to a lesbian club? Are all your friends lesbians?”
Me: “None of us are lesbians.”
Mom: “…okay. You and your friends are weird. So, did you buy anything? Besides sex toys.”
Me: “No, just a sex toy. And they had the condoms that I order online because I refuse to use anything else. A box of 15 for $7. So I got some of those, too.”
Mom: “Oh. Give your brother some condoms. He brought some skank home the other night but he hardly ever gets laid so who knows if he even has any condoms. I used to think he was gay.”
Me: “He’s not gay. Just picky and refuses to tolerate immature 20-year-old girls.”
Mom: “Oh! And a package came for you while you were gone. I think it’s more sex toys.”
Me: “It is. I was expecting to be sent something to review.”
Mom: “How do you review them if you don’t have a boyfriend?”
Me: “Well, most of them can totally be used by yourself. Plus, I don’t request things that I need a partner for.”
Mom: “So you just sit in your room and masturbate?”
Me: “Um… yeah? Where else would I do it?
Mom: “But how many sex toys can you actually need? Aren’t they all the same?”
Me: “No! There is vibrating, non-vibrating, g-spot, water-proof, nipples, butt…”
Mom: “Okay, okay! I get it. Please stop now.
Me: “How many times do I have to tell you not to ask qustions that you don’t want answers to?”
Mom: “I know. I should know better by now with you. Your sex toy package is on your bed.”

I love my mom.

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  1. Meg
    Posted August 3, 2009 at 9:12 pm | Permalink

    Not that I have a whole hell of a lot going on, but my Mom and I have agreed to a strict "don't ask and I won't horrify you" policy when it comes to my sex life (or lack thereof).

    I don't even take my vibe with me when I go to their house. Nope. Won't do it.

    Speaking of–I got a raise so I really need to order a new one. I'm off to re-read the message you sent me right now!

  2. Aviva
    Posted August 3, 2009 at 9:29 pm | Permalink

    My parents are ridiculously liberal about most things, but I cannot imagine in a million years having this conversation with my mom!

    Not sure I'd want to, actually… ;)

    By the way, I just found you again after the whole blog-moving kerfuffle. I was out of town for a few weeks and when I got back and looked at my RSS feeds, I was like "what happened to Britni?!" But I found you, so it's all good.

  3. dmf
    Posted August 3, 2009 at 9:32 pm | Permalink

    ha. that's marvelous.

  4. Firebolt
    Posted August 3, 2009 at 9:37 pm | Permalink

    Haha! This is awesome. My parents and I never talk about such stuff, typical conservative Indians that they are. However, I'm pretty sure my Mom knows that I know more about sex than her. :P

  5. 13messages
    Posted August 3, 2009 at 10:58 pm | Permalink

    That's one cool mom you've got there. I smiled reading the whole thing.

  6. La Roo
    Posted August 3, 2009 at 11:49 pm | Permalink

    You're great.
    Like 13 said, your mom is pretty cool.
    You should feel fortunate, not many parents are like that.

  7. Red
    Posted August 4, 2009 at 2:14 am | Permalink

    haha. sounds like me and my mom. <3

  8. Another Suburban Mom
    Posted August 4, 2009 at 5:25 am | Permalink

    Your mom sounds very cool and she seems to really make an effort to relate to you.

    You are a lucky woman in that respect, not everyone is so lucky.

  9. April
    Posted August 4, 2009 at 8:59 am | Permalink

    My mom and I talk about sex all of the time. It helps that she's not with my dad anymore. But still, I know a little more information about my stepdad than I care to know.

    ASM is right, it does seem like your mom is making an effort to relate to you. That's just awesome!

  10. Gemini
    Posted August 4, 2009 at 5:30 pm | Permalink

    OMG…I am 46 and divorced…and I expect my mother still thinks (maybe wishfully) I am a virgin…

    That conversation will go down in history as one of the most enlightened discussions between mother and daughter in the history of parenting…

    If only all parents were so enlightened…

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