Mom: “So how was your weekend in Dallas? What did you do?”
Me: “We ate really good food all weekend! And we went to a sex toy store Thursday night, a strip club Friday night, and a lesbian club Saturday night.”
Mom: “Did your friends want to go to these places or were they trying to make *you* happy?”
Me: “Mom, they were totally down. We *are* friends for a reason, you know.”
Mom: “Were the guys at the strip club hot?”
Me: “It was a female strip club.”
Mom: “Oh. And you went to a lesbian club? Are all your friends lesbians?”
Me: “None of us are lesbians.”
Mom: “…okay. You and your friends are weird. So, did you buy anything? Besides sex toys.”
Me: “No, just a sex toy. And they had the condoms that I order online because I refuse to use anything else. A box of 15 for $7. So I got some of those, too.”
Mom: “Oh. Give your brother some condoms. He brought some skank home the other night but he hardly ever gets laid so who knows if he even has any condoms. I used to think he was gay.”
Me: “He’s not gay. Just picky and refuses to tolerate immature 20-year-old girls.”
Mom: “Oh! And a package came for you while you were gone. I think it’s more sex toys.”
Me: “It is. I was expecting to be sent something to review.”
Mom: “How do you review them if you don’t have a boyfriend?”
Me: “Well, most of them can totally be used by yourself. Plus, I don’t request things that I need a partner for.”
Mom: “So you just sit in your room and masturbate?”
Me: “Um… yeah? Where else would I do it?
Mom: “But how many sex toys can you actually need? Aren’t they all the same?”
Me: “No! There is vibrating, non-vibrating, g-spot, water-proof, nipples, butt…”
Mom: “Okay, okay! I get it. Please stop now.
Me: “How many times do I have to tell you not to ask qustions that you don’t want answers to?”
Mom: “I know. I should know better by now with you. Your sex toy package is on your bed.”
I love my mom.
I'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
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10 Comments
Not that I have a whole hell of a lot going on, but my Mom and I have agreed to a strict "don't ask and I won't horrify you" policy when it comes to my sex life (or lack thereof).
I don't even take my vibe with me when I go to their house. Nope. Won't do it.
Speaking of–I got a raise so I really need to order a new one. I'm off to re-read the message you sent me right now!
My parents are ridiculously liberal about most things, but I cannot imagine in a million years having this conversation with my mom!
Not sure I'd want to, actually…
By the way, I just found you again after the whole blog-moving kerfuffle. I was out of town for a few weeks and when I got back and looked at my RSS feeds, I was like "what happened to Britni?!" But I found you, so it's all good.
ha. that's marvelous.
Haha! This is awesome. My parents and I never talk about such stuff, typical conservative Indians that they are. However, I'm pretty sure my Mom knows that I know more about sex than her.
That's one cool mom you've got there. I smiled reading the whole thing.
You're great.
Like 13 said, your mom is pretty cool.
You should feel fortunate, not many parents are like that.
haha. sounds like me and my mom. <3
Your mom sounds very cool and she seems to really make an effort to relate to you.
You are a lucky woman in that respect, not everyone is so lucky.
My mom and I talk about sex all of the time. It helps that she's not with my dad anymore. But still, I know a little more information about my stepdad than I care to know.
ASM is right, it does seem like your mom is making an effort to relate to you. That's just awesome!
OMG…I am 46 and divorced…and I expect my mother still thinks (maybe wishfully) I am a virgin…
That conversation will go down in history as one of the most enlightened discussions between mother and daughter in the history of parenting…
If only all parents were so enlightened…