Access Granted

My dislike of and inability to enjoy anal penetration has been discussed on this blog. And it sucks, because I’ve always really *wanted* to enjoy anal penetration. There is something totally hot about the dirtiness of being fucked in the ass. It’s a violation and there is such a raw, animalistic, primal passion involved. As a submissive, there is nothing I want more than to be able to be fucked in the ass by someone, with the facade of there being no regard for whether or not I’m enjoying it. Making me feel like a complete and total whore.

But it’s just never worked for me. My first experience with anal sex was horribly unpleasant. I was 17, drunk, in the backseat of a car, and we had no lube beyond the vaginal secretions that were on his dick from fucking me. Needless to say, it was painful, awkward, and terrible. We attempted it one more time, but he was very well endowed and we still had no lube. Again, not fun.

My next boyfriend and I also tried anal sex. We had lube this time, yet he was also very well endowed which made for a pretty painful experience. Plus, I had no idea how to correctly have anal sex, so I didn’t go to the bathroom beforehand or anything. Therefore, when he pulled out, lots of shit followed. He went right to the bathroom to clean up and pretended not to notice. I immediately stripped the bed and threw the sheets into the wash. I was mortified enough to never want to have anything up my ass again. And I didn’t, for four years.

CB wanted to fuck me in the ass, and I never wanted him to. He cheated on me a lot, and would tell me that Trollface let him do it. This of course upset me, and I felt like I had to do it in order to hang onto him. He also told me I “owed it to him” in exchange for all the shitty things I had done to them (emotionally abusive much?). We were long distance at this point, so I bought a toy and lube and would practice on my own. I got pretty good and could comfortably fuck myself with my toy, and the next time I went to see him, I decided we could try it. I got sufficiently drunk so that I would be relaxed and less sensitive to pain, and off we went. We lubed up, warmed up with fingers, and did everything right. However, in another curse of a horribly well endowed man, no matter how slowly or gently he went, no matter how much lube we used, no matter how much I tried to ignore the pain, it was just too much for me. I had tears streaming down my face, and our mission was abandoned.

Anal penetration again became something (pretty much the only thing) that was off limits for me. And then I was raped in the ass. An act that had already been so unpleasant for me now had a traumatic association attached to it. Any pain that I had experienced in my previous attempts at anal sex had been completely trumped by the sheer physical pain of having something forced into my ass and the emotional pain of having been violated in such a way by someone that I trusted. However, once I started to process and heal the trauma of the rape, anal sex became something that I craved. It was something I *needed* to do. I needed to reclaim that hole as *mine*. I needed to have it penetrated on my terms, and to take control of that orifice back.

I always thought thet The Bruiser would be the one to do that for me. I trusted him, and he wasn’t so large that it would be a terrifying thought or he would rip me in half. And we discussed it, but he became uncomfortable with my reasons for wanting it and it never ended up happening. And so I’ve been working on it on my own. I bought very small plugs and got used to wearing those. I used the smaller end of the Njoy, which was slightly larger than the plugs. I began to really like the feeling of having something in my ass. And last week, I finally bought a larger, actual plug. I am so proud of myself because not only am I able to successfully and comfortably get it in, but I *love* the feeling of having it in. When the largest part of the plug slips in, I involuntarily moan and my pussy starts throbbing and dripping. And with this enjoyment of anal penetration, along with doing it on my terms, the mental block I’ve had regarding things in my ass has started to dissipate.

I think about having something in my ass as a pleasant, positive, and desirable thing. My Dom has been very helpful in encouraging me to explore that as well, and it’s another positive association made towards anal play. All of these things have me looking forward to the day when I can finally have my ass fucked on my terms, in an enjoyable way, like the whore that I am.

Photo source.
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  1. Hubman
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 4:15 pm | Permalink

    With your history (no lube + big cock + anal virgin = bad time, plus the whole rape episode) it's no wonder it's taken you a while.

    It's only been in the last year or so that Veronica has become a little anal slut, to the point that she regularly asks for it and encourages me to fuck her ass as hard as I want (and I'm not exactly small…).

    Patience, young lady. You'll find the right guy to make anal the pleasurable experience you want

  2. mrs. m
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 4:34 pm | Permalink

    i should do a history of my own asshole. it's kind of like yours.

    i have always desperately wanted to have anal sex and LOVE it.

    i think you've given me a lot to ponder, plus you've given me hope that perhaps all i need is a little more time.

  3. Southern Sage
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 5:14 pm | Permalink

    Glad you are beating the mental block, the physical will follow!

  4. Sexy PTA Mom
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 5:23 pm | Permalink

    My goodness! No wonder you have had a hard time with it. But I'm glad you're getting there, if it's what YOU want. I kind of get reclaiming it as yours. That makes sense to me. My history with it was quite different from yours, and maybe I should post about that someday. But I have never like fingers shoved in there (at all) until very recently. Suddenly, it is working for me. :) Kudos to you for doing something for yourself!!

  5. April
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 7:22 pm | Permalink

    Mind if I give you a few suggestions? I love anal sex.

    You know all about the lube. So lube it up and try it missionary. It limits the depth of penetration and gives you control. You'll be able to squeeze his midsection with your legs to signal him to stop, slow down, etc.

    Also as hard as it is try to totally relax that muscle. It is going to hurt going in but trust me, once it is actually in it can produce some of the most amazing orgasms. It's the initial entry that kinda sucks. If you can bare that for a minute it will be worth it.

    Another thing is to invest in an enema. They are cheap and as long as you don't over-do them they aren't going to hurt you. I would suggest doing that about 2-3 hours before you plan on anal sex, if possible.

    I hope that fucker didn't ruin this for you forever because it can be really fracking hot. Good luck!

  6. champagneandbenzedrine
    Posted August 7, 2009 at 8:51 am | Permalink

    Wow, amazing post (as normal.)

    I've always loved anal sex and was lucky enough to marry a girl who likes it too – but I definitely got a whole new perspective when we bought a strap-on and she 'did' me. We haven't quite got that shit down yet (the strap-on's awfully big!) but I definitely understand how taking a dick up the ass isn't the child's play they make it out to be in mainstream porn.

  7. nuclearrainbow
    Posted August 7, 2009 at 12:51 pm | Permalink

    Good for you! Amazingly large progress you made, and I really hope you're next experience will be nice and good.

    I have been lucky in the anal-sex department I think. An ex-D of mine even uses me as an "example" when he tries to get others into anal sex (for some weird reason, that guy always get relatively in-experienced girls, without actively trying it), since I can be fucked in the ass as hard as I can be fucked in my cunt (so: quite hard), without any lube. Lube actually makes is more painful for me, just as condoms.
    I also rarely had problems with shit on dicks and such, even without enema's (which I thoroughly hate, by the way, so I never use them).

    /Nuclear Rainbow

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