Set Back

I’ve been doing really well. In fact, I’ve been happier and healthier than I’ve been in a really long time. I’m not really sure what happened tonight, but I broke. I broke for the first time in a long time. And it was kind of like breaking a dam. It’s flooding tears nonstop. I don’t think I realized how much hurt and sadness I was still carrying around in me until tonight. The extent to which it’s still there actually scares me, because I thought I was doing better. I thought I was moving on. I thought I was happy. This breakdown caught me completely off guard and I’m not sure where it came from. I know I had the emotionally roughest day of my life at work, but that shouldn’t have triggered what just happened to me.

I don’t want to be sad anymore and I truly thought I wasn’t. I guess I thought wrong.
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  1. Daniela
    Posted July 24, 2009 at 3:47 am | Permalink

    You have every right to be sad, depressed and angry about what happened to you. I won't even try to say "time heals all wounds," because we know it's bullshit. At most, it will dull the pain, which helps a little, but still isn't what you need. I'm sorry this happened to you in the first place – the fact you pulled through and are where you are not speaks volumes for your strength.

    Things are never going to be the same after what happened, but I guess you have to take each day as it comes. Each day that you survive and eventually thrive is a day that the rape loses more power over you. That asshole wanted power. You refuse to give it to him. That is the best you can do.

    I long for the day when you can finally, finally leave where you're living now and the toxic environment it creates. Until then, you'll just have to keep on trucking along and make the best of what life throws at you. You've done well so far.

  2. April
    Posted July 24, 2009 at 7:02 am | Permalink

    Blame it on hormones. We're women, Brit! We're entitled to cry for no damn reason at all. Shit, sometimes I call in sick to work just to spend the day at home crying while watching sappy Lifetime movies. The next day, it's all good.

    You weren't wrong. You're doing great! You just had a shitty hormonal woman day. That's all! =)

  3. Topaz
    Posted July 24, 2009 at 8:54 am | Permalink

    Likewise, I would have the odd moment of cracking, but they are few and far between. Haven't had one in a long time, but if I did, I would afterwards after the fact that it may never stop, but the greater part of my life is not plagued with sadness. If we didn't have the emotional bursts, I think it would be less human of us. Sometimes our mind/body just need to remind us and get it out so we can start off fresh.

    Regardless, I hope you're feeling better now.

  4. Aurore
    Posted July 24, 2009 at 9:08 am | Permalink


    There's nothing wrong with breaking down and even though it caught you off guard, it is letting you know there is still work to be done.

  5. alana
    Posted July 24, 2009 at 12:26 pm | Permalink

    I agree with everyone. When I got really upset the other day it was over something small, but I cried like crazy.

    Sometimes you just got to cry.

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